For Mommy; For Johnny: December 2013

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Pregnancy After Loss - The Bumps Begin

      I was about 13 weeks along with my new little gift of hope in March of 2013. The pregnancy was real and I could tell you that "No one ever wanted a baby so much." but this wouldn't be true would it? I am not alone in my pain and I am not alone in my desire for a baby. It was a Friday, the day Stage LeFters homeschool drama group rehearses. I was gathering up the children and all of our things so we could be at the theater on time in order for me to Direct. I remember being short-tempered, stressed, moody, and overwhelmed that morning without being able to control it. We made it to the parking lot and at the exact same moment that I stepped foot onto the pavement, I felt a gush of blood. My mother took our older children so they could stay at theater and a mother from our drama group drove me home as I called my husband. The bleeding continued as I sat in the passenger's seat and as I walked into my house. I barely made it to our bathroom since I was overwhelmed in tears. My husband heard me come through the door and met me in the bathroom. By then there was so much blood my leggings and skirt were soaked through. My husband held me and cried with me as we feared the worst. We prayed and he helped me get cleaned up and calmed down, then tucked me into our bed where I called my Midwife. We thought for certain that I would miscarry when the cramps began. I remember worrying over what everyone would say or think or how I would bring myself to announce our loss. We had announced our pregnancy and this time I would HAVE to tell everyone. Would we be burying yet another little one? I cried out to God telling Him that I couldn't possibly bear another loss. My friend came over when she heard the news. She prayed with me and cried with me and I must admit, I didn't give her much reason to hope. Yet, she still encouraged me with scripture and reminded me of the power of our God and His amazing grace. I am truly blessed to have such a friend. Later, friends of ours (the mother who brought me home and her husband) came over to pray with us. We prayed for a miracle, we prayed for safety and for healing. We prayed that fear would have no place in my heart. As we prayed, fear began to leave my body and it felt like overwhelming surrender to God's will. I felt peace even through the hardship.

     In the following days, I continued to bleed and to rest. Bedrest is not an easy task with other children to care for. My mother helped, my husband's mother helped, and my husband, Kris, did many household chores he hadn't ever done on a regular basis before. He stepped up and tackled both his normal responsibilities and my normal responsibilities while I was down. He was truly a Superman! Things would look up and then go back down again when I began bleeding more just one week after the bleeding had stopped. I found myself on bedrest again. My hope hung on a thread. I fought my fears continually but felt hope begin to thrive and my health to improve with prayer, good diet, and all the things we could do to help our little miracle. Pregnancy went on and bedrest ceased for a time. I refused to eat unhealthy, I refused to pick up anything heavy or to do anything strenuous, I refused to allow stress to overwhelm me. I bonded with our baby. I would sit in the bath and talk to my baby about anything and everything. I would cry to our baby when I missed their brother. I would pray over my baby. As our baby grew, we felt kicks and would even poke at him or her to wake baby sometimes so we could feel his/her movements. We looked forward to learning our baby's sex and searched for the perfect names. I worried less every day and thanked God for our little one every night. I had regular prenatals with my Midwife. She offered physical support as well as emotional support as she knows first-hand that pregnancy after loss can be very difficult. My hopes for a healthy baby grew stronger in the following months. We planned a homebirth and looked forward to a water birth in our home. This was my first pregnancy where I felt completely thrilled about my weight gain and my stomach growing. I never felt an aversion towards my symptoms of pregnancy, instead I fully embraced them. I LOVED my baby bump, I loved everything about each moment and made up my mind to cherish all of the small things. I knew too well the value of this time.

     Still, in the back of my head, I dreaded the 36 wk. mark. I did not know how I would handle pregnancy at the stage when we lost our Johnny. I did not want to allow fear to win the struggle between fear and hope that I felt inside of me. I wanted the rest of my pregnancy to be positive, I wanted to fully trust in God, and I wanted nothing to interfere with this dream, not even my own dreams.