Johnny's Birth Story

 Romans 5:3-4 - We glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.

       Both of my first two birth experiences were special, each in their own unique ways and I will always cherish their memories. There is nothing I would change about either of my home birth experiences! (You can read about them in my previous post.) My third birth was an experience I will never forget... full of pain and sorrow, yet full of peace. Our third child, John Israel Collier, was born still. He was taken to Heaven before I ever held him in my arms. His life, though short, was a special life, one that glorified God to all those around us. I remember when the nightmare began. I was 36 weeks along and my water broke late on a Monday night. We were planning our third home birth, and were so excited through the pregnancy since it would be our first home birth in our new house. I was concerned since I believed it was too early, but I tried to be positive and went to bed that night thinking I would need my rest for the next day. No contractions started though, not even with the dawn of a new day. On Tuesday morning, I called my Midwife and consulted with her about all my concerns. She came that morning to check on the baby and I and to help in whatever way she could. We listened for his heartbeat but couldn't find one, so we waited while I ate breakfast, drank some apple juice, and walked around the house. Then we listened again. It was when I saw the look of complete concern overcome her face that I realized I couldn't clearly recall the last time our baby had moved. We prayed together, called my parents and called another Midwife in our area (the same one that had assisted at Ezra's birth), then listened again. Nothing. We then decided to go to the hospital for an ultrasound.
     I was so nervous, but already felt in my heart that it was too late. Still the words hurt so bad when the doctor verified our fears by telling us, “I'm sorry but the ultrasound shows that there is no heartbeat.” Kris and I cried together, we were confused and hurt. They wanted to admit me right then and induce my labor. But, I needed time. I chose to go home. I was terrified to give birth to him knowing that he was now dead. I didn't believe I could do it. But, I prayed that God would give me strength, that he would help me to do this, and that the birth could be the best experience it could be under such circumstances. After going home, we ate. I did all I knew to try to aid my body to start laboring naturally. Later, I went to my local Chiropractor for an adjustment, hoping it might help. When Kris and I came home from her office, I was so exhausted and decided to sleep. That night I had very mild cramps. I was so relieved. I thought this meant I would be in active labor by morning and could still birth our child naturally. But by morning, my contractions had stopped. I decided we should try going out and walking for a while. We took Evelyn and Ezra to my parents' house and so many people in my family were calling, telling us or my parents what they thought we should do and how we should do it. It was so stressful and overwhelming. It was too much. I had to decide how long I should give my body, how long to wait before deciding to go to the hospital to be induced. I wanted so badly to labor naturally, but thought I didn't have much time before risking infection. Did I still want to have him at home? Would that be to painful a memory? Should I try to go into labor naturally and have a hospital birth? It felt like so much pressure, especially when I was scared to death to birth our son and I was already mourning his loss. I was in a state of shock. We went to get some homeopathic medicines that we hoped could help induce my labor and went home. I feel like those couple of days were the longest days of my life. After praying together that whole day, my husband and I went to the Hospital at about 6:00 pm on Wednesday to be induced and birth our son. I can't tell you why I made this decision, only that I felt convinced this would be the best thing for me.

Psalm 56: 3-4 - What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee. In God I will praise His Word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me

Deuteronomy 31:8 -And the Lord, He it is that doth go before thee, He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed. 

 

"Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest."

Philippeans 4:13 - I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.

    My parents, Kris' parents, my Midwives and so many others came and stayed through the labor. My Midwives had switched their roles and came to be there and support me in whatever way they could, they came as my friends, and fulfilled the roles of doula and photographer. Everyone wanted to be there for us and the waiting room was full of people who cared for us. It was my first Hospital birth experience and I was scared. I knew they would stick me with needles and I had no idea who would be my nurses or who would be my doctor. I had no idea how different Pitocin induced contractions would be, since I had never experienced them. There were already many praying for us and even with all the fears, God gave us strength to get through. It was the most beautiful still birth I could have imagined, and unlike any other Hospital birth I have ever heard of or seen. Yes, I hated the needles. I hated them running all their tests and taking so much blood. I hated the IV, I hated the smell, I hated that I felt like a guest under their mercy and not the queen of the hour. But, I loved the birth ball, Kris loved the kneeling pad, I was grateful that the staff was very respectful of my wishes, I loved having the support I had in the room and from the waiting room, and I feel like I did need the Pitocin this time and I was where I needed to be to birth my son. All of our prayers were answered and I know that God sent angels to be there beside us. We used the birth cards I had made when I was pregnant with Evelyn and with Ezra. Hearing God's precious words  made me feel as though He was comforting me through. It wasn't until my mother, sister, and my Midwives began singing hymns that I felt the fear begin to leave my mind. They sang my favorite hymn, It is Well with My Soul, and I felt ready.

Psalm 46: 1-2a - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear. 

Psalm 18:6a - In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple.

    I was finally ready to meet our son, to hold him for the first and last time. I remember Kris telling me while I was laboring that our son was watching me give birth to him from Heaven. How amazing that thought was to me. I remembered that just like my first two births, this was something only I could do. I knew God had appointed this duty to me and He would not give me more than I could bear. I prayed out loud as I transitioned, telling God I was finally ready, and that I wanted to meet my baby. Almost immediately,  I felt the urge to push and our son began to leave my body. I told Kris he was coming and Kris took his ready position behind me with such strength and bravery, ready to catch our son. I was kneeling, leaning on the birth ball. I felt as though I was kneeling before God, as I was praying the entire time. My Dad was now in the room beside my Mom since I had asked for him to come in. He took Kris' old position, in front of me, holding one of my hands. I know my parents were praying. I was never alone and the room was filled with love and with God's spirit. All at once, Johnny left my body. Kris caught him and I eagerly turned to hold him. My heart broke as I wept over our son's body. But past his bruises he looked so peaceful, he looked so perfect. The doctor and nurses weren't even in the room for his delivery. It was a quiet birth in a hospital setting, something I had never imagined. It was perfect.

 Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted

   Kris and I cried together. I was helped into the bed and Kris placed Johnny in my arms again. He was so handsome and resembled our other babies in so many ways. Kris went to tell everyone in the waiting room that he had come and that I was okay. The bravery and support he showed through the labor and stillbirth of our son is indescribable. The doctor and nurses came to help me birth his placenta, get cleaned up, and check on me. I held my Johnny and we spent about 5 hours with him. He was born on  Dec. 8, 2011 at 2:06 am. He weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. and was 20 inches long. His cheeks were still chubby though he was much smaller than his sister and brother. His cheeks, nose and lips were perfect. He was fragile and so beautiful. Our daughter, Evelyn, now four, came to the hospital to meet him at around 6:00 am. She had cried as she asked me the night before if she could see the baby. We decided that we should not deprive her of meeting her baby brother when she had asked to. It would be months later when she would tell us that she remembers her baby brother and thank us for letting her meet him. Those 5 hours went too fast. I was tired. I  didn't want to let him go. The doctor had been asking us to let her know when we were ready. Though I wanted to hold him forever, I felt that we should not hold onto his body too long, believing his spirit was already preserved in Heaven. I sang a lullaby to him and prayed over him before I told Kris I was ready to say “Goodbye”. Kris sang to him and talked with him before he felt ready to part. Our family prayed a prayer of dedication and we called the doctor in to take him. It was the last time I would see my baby.

 "Just as sure as I'm sure there's a Heaven, this was meant to be. No road is too long as long as you belong to me." 

    The cause of our baby's passing is still not known for sure. We did not know his sex until the ultrasound, and it was then that we gave him his name – John Israel Collier, which means “God is gracious; God preserves”. The perfect name. We decided the day of the ultrasound that we did not want an autopsy done. Our faith and trust in God told us that God did what was best for our son and for us, even if we do not fully understand why. My comfort is found in my faith that we will see our son again and he will be perfect and whole. Someday I will hold my baby again and we will raise him in a perfect world.

Psalm 31:24 - Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. 

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in His Word do I hope.