22 Things About A Mother Who has Lost a Child

December 8th, 2011 - It was a day that changed me. And here I find myself, almost 5 years later, still trying to get to know the person that I am now. The most difficult part of the journey at this point has been simply being okay with who I am now. It's learning how to be a new me and stop trying so hard to be the old one. After all, sometimes it's our trials that make us who we are meant to be. Sometimes the hardest things make us stronger, bolder, more loving, more hopeful, and more empathetic to a hurting world. The key is to remain vulnerable and open enough in order to allow those experiences to make a difference.

My journey is teaching me. Every. Single. Day. Johnny is teaching me about grief, about love, about fear, about trusting in the Lord in all things, and about a HUGE need in our culture for the unifying of women and mothers. We need one another. We need one another's openness. We need one another's prayers. We need one another's hugs. We need one another's grace. We need one another's empathy. We need one another's stories. We need one another's time. We need one another's forgiveness. We need one another's love.

For other hurting mothers, I want to share a few things I have learned to be true as a loss mom. Things I didn't understand before my losses. My hope is that these things will help you offer love, sympathy, and understanding to a mother who has lost a child. And yes, she DOES need YOU.

1.) A mother who has lost a child never forgets. The hurt is always there, like a hole in her heart. A hole she wouldn't wish away even if she could because she wants to remember her child no matter how painful the ache is.

2.) A mother who has lost a child wants to hear their child's name. She wants to be reminded that other people remember her child too. It makes us feel less alone in our grief. And NO ONE should be alone in grief.

3.) A mother who has lost a child often blames herself even if the loss was completely out of her control. Even if she did everything "right" or to the best of her ability/ knowledge/strength at the time.

4.) A mother who has lost a child always misses him or her. Always.

5.) A mother who has lost a child CAN have happy memories of her child. It's okay for you to share a joyful memory with her if you have one, even if it is small.

6.) A mother who has lost a child has lost the person she was before that loss as well. Be patient as she grows in her new identity and learns who she is now.

7.) A mother who has lost a child and has other children doesn't want to hear that she should just be thankful for the children that she does have. (She is already MORE than thankful for them and understands better than most the miracle that life is.)

8.) A mother who has lost a child will never feel like her family is complete. (At least, not in this life.)

9.) A mother who has lost a child doesn't expect anyone to know what to say and sometimes it is better to simply listen and not say anything. After all, sometimes...

10.) A mother who has lost a child needs to be heard. A listening ear can make a HUGE difference.

11.) A mother who has lost a child needs to be allowed to grieve and mourn no matter how long it takes. No matter if the grief comes and goes for years and years to come.

12.) A mother who has lost a child needs your prayers.

13.) A mother who has lost a child is married to a father who has also lost a child. He deserves and needs your prayers and encouragement too. He works hard to be there for that mother. Believe me.

(photo credit: Christina Joy Photography)

14.) A mother who has lost a child and has also been blessed to have a rainbow baby (or two) is like an infertile mother who suffered from the grief and hardship of infertility and then has been blessed with children but is also still dealing with that infertility. She rejoices for the blessings but still mourns the inability to have children.

15.) A mother who has lost a child is not trying to replace that child when she has more children.

16.) A mother who has lost a child has a family who lost a sibling too. They remember that sibling. They talk about him or her often. Small things to lift the children's spirits could make a HUGE difference for that family.

17.) A mother who has lost a child needs compassion, no matter what kind of loss she has experienced.

18.) A mother who has lost a child to stillbirth bonded with her baby just like a mother who carries and gives birth to a living baby. Please don't discredit her loss by treating it like anything less.

19.) A mother who has lost a child would do almost ANYTHING to experience the things most women complain about while pregnant: nausea, hip aches, being large and uncomfortable. Be careful and consider this fact before you complain. Especially if the loss is fresh.

20.) A mother who has lost a child has also lost the future of that child. The memories, the moments, the Birthdays, the favorites, the hobbies, the pictures, the milestones.... Little things can break that mother apart sometimes.

21.) A mother who has lost a child appreciates the little things others do. Cards, notes, words, hugs, smiles,  prayers, flowers.... They may seem small to you. You may not even feel like you are helping. But, you are. Because...

22.) A mother who has lost a child needs a whole lot of LOVE.

I am so thankful for the Love that surrounds me.

It is Love that carries me through and it is Love that comforts the soul on the good days and the hard days.

(photo credit: Christina Joy Photography)