What Can Words Do?

Words....

Today I have decided to write about words. It seems like such a broad topic for sure. What do words have to do with stillbirth, with grief, with loss, with healing, with growth, or with pregnancy after loss?

Everything.

There is power in our words. Power to encourage. Power to uplift. Power to love. Power to witness. Power to tear down. Power to discourage. Power to hurt. Power to sin. Power of LIFE and power of DEATH.

And we take that power for granted every day.

Proverbs 18:21a - Death and life are in the power of the tongue.

     On the 10th of December, I attended a stillbirth to support a mother and a father I did not yet know. I was nervous and did not know how God would use me. I prayed I would be ready to offer the mother and father the love that they so needed. I prayed I was strong enough to be useful as a doula, as a stranger-turned-friend, and as another mother who has suffered loss. My presence alone seemed helpful to this mother. Loss moms have a very unique connection. But it was the words I spoke that the doctor took the time to notice and thank me for. Most of these words were not my own but straight from the Word of God.

        My husband and I attended the Memorial Service for their precious baby girl. During the service, there was time opened for anyone who wanted to say something in honor of their baby or in encouragement to them. After listening to the beautiful words spoken by their loved ones....I was terrified, trembling because I did not know what to say. How could I express all that was in my heart or give the right words to these hurting parents? I just could not ignore the tugging on my heart. My husband knew my turmoil and reminded me, "God will give you the words." I believe He did because I don't even remember what I said. Later, this mother would tell me that on their way home after the service, they decided the service felt complete after I spoke.

The paper lanterns released for a much loved baby girl.

     Over the past months since all of this, I have met another mother grieving the loss of her baby boy. I have seen first-hand how words spoken through social media have both helped and hindered her healing. It is my goal to be a help to women who have experienced such heartbreak. God forbid I ever hinder their road towards healing and life after loss. I pray for these mothers daily. I believe that my words, not just the words I speak directly to them, but the words I speak on their behalf, the words I speak in prayer for them, and the words I speak about them make a difference in their lives and hearts.

     One of these beautifully strong mothers is now expecting her own Rainbow Baby. She seemed nervous to tell others about her pregnancy, afraid that the words she would hear from her family or friends would not be positive ones, but fearful ones. And here I am, my Rainbow Baby is almost a year old and I am still struggling with the thought of another pregnancy announcement (which I would love by the way!) because of some of the fearful words spoken to me by my loved ones following her arrival:


"You just can't take any more."
"Your past two pregnancies have just been SO hard."
"NOW, I'm sure you feel fulfilled since you have a healthy baby again. 3 kids are enough."
"Please don't get pregnant again. I just worry about you so much!"

     Sometimes loss moms simply don't need to hear about the fears or worries of others, no matter how much we love them and don't want any more harm to come into their lives, it is CRUCIAL to speak words of a different breed. Loss moms deal with fear every day, they are already there. For me personally, it was first fear of another pregnancy, then fear of NOT getting pregnant, then fear of miscarriage, and then fear of another stillbirth.... It is up to OUR WORDS to help build them up, to help them to defeat their fears, to bring peace and to love. It's okay to keep our worries to ourselves. It's okay to simply state, "I am praying for you." or "I love you." And sometimes there may not be words that can be helpful, so it is okay to be quiet and LISTEN. Worry is not from God.

2 Timothy 1:7 - For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

     If our words do not help bring these things, then they are simply NOT from God. They are human, they are doubt, they are from a spirit very opposite from our Lord, they are not constructive to the mother who faces pregnancy after loss or the mother who grieves. If our heart is to love and help, it is important to step back, and to ask ourselves, "Are my words helping this person or causing them more fear?" If we can do this, we will offer more support to that mother than we may ever know. I want to simply encourage you and remind myself that our words matter. Our love for these hurting mothers should CAST OUT fear. Our words MUST reflect that mission. It doesn't mean that we should be naive and convince ourselves that nothing bad or negative could possibly happen. It means that even in the face of adversity or tribulation, we will hold fast to our faith, we will speak words that strengthen hearts, we will trust, we will hope.

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

     So today, in honor of hurting mothers everywhere, please take an opportunity to speak words of LIFE, of POWER, of LOVE, and of PEACE to even just one person. It could be a letter sent to someone you know who is struggling with fear or grief. It can be in an e-mail, over social media, a phone call, a text, or a simple word of encouragement given in person. I would feel so blessed if you would take this challenge and spread perfect love today and I would LOVE to hear about it!

Let's start this word revolution.

And my story of pregnancy after loss will continue soon. I promise.

My Story Continues....

     I have been struggling to continue posting and struggling to share more of my journey. Between finding time, finding the right words, and wondering if it was worth the effort, I gave blogging a rest for a while. Today, I was contacted by a reader. She is expecting her own Rainbow Baby and stated that God had used me yesterday as she read through my blog to help bring her peace. She requested that I continue writing.
     I cannot think of anything more motivating or any better purpose for this blog. I want my journey to encourage others and help strengthen hearts. Even just ONE heart is worth the effort it takes to write. So now, my story continues with the battle inside of me...
      When I look back on the rest of my pregnancy after loss, I see one dominant struggle: the battle between faith and fear. Through this constant battle, I learned to trust in the Lord to a whole new extreme. Now when I reflect on my journey, I see my character being stretched, I see God's faithfulness, I see just how much I loved my baby even though I was yet to hold her or meet her.
 
     I am a dreamer. I dream a lot even when I am not pregnant, but when I am pregnant, my dreams are more extreme, more meaningful, more real. While I was pregnant with our Johnny, I dreamed that he was born premature, I dreamed he was a boy (remember we always wait to find out our babies' gender at their birth.), I dreamed that there was something wrong with him and that he was considerably smaller than our first 2 children, I dreamed we named him John Israel and that I was insistent that he be called "Johnny". This dream became so real after we learned that he was dead at 36 weeks. Flashbacks of my dream came to me all at once and I knew that I needed to stop passing my dreams off as "just dreams" and pay more attention to them. I knew I needed to pray after such dreams. While I was pregnant with our new little one, the dreams came. In every dream about my baby, my baby was born premature. I paid attention to this and began asking my Midwife how early was too early to birth at home and what would we do in case of prematurity.

     At 28 weeks I wrote the following:

     "I am now 28 weeks along. Our baby is growing and moving more with each day. I feel so overwhelmed by such a mix of emotions lately. I am excited beyond words, just yesterday I cried tears of joy because I stopped and pondered the idea of having a baby to hold again. Beneath the excitement, there is this struggle between hope and fear. It is daily. I wish I could say that once I've made up my mind to fully trust in my God and to lay all fears aside that the struggle was somehow magically over and hope instantly wins. But, reality is that the struggle is continuous and I have to fight to keep hope not only alive but to keep the flame so kindled that it consumes my fears."

     Dreams continued. I dreamed that our baby was a girl and we named her Eisley. It was a name that wasn't even on our list but it stuck with me. I looked it up and discovered that it means "Cheerful". Eisley Hope became my new favorite girl name option and I didn't hesitate to begin trying to convince my husband. I wanted my baby's middle name to represent something special, Kris and I agreed that Hope was perfect if our baby was a girl and if it were a boy, we would use Freedom as his middle name. Hope and Freedom seemed to represent what our little one was bringing to us, what God was teaching us through our baby's existence. Hope that survives tribulations and Freedom from the fear that both my husband and I battled and would battle through the rest of my pregnancy and our baby's birth journey as well.