As I mentioned in my last post, soon after losing my Johnny, I began writing a list of goals and aspirations for both myself and for him as well. These were things I wanted to do for me and things I wanted to do in his honor. They ranged from the silliest little things, or the easiest things, to large goals that I have not yet fulfilled. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed WORTH DOING.
Here is a peek at a few of these goals:
For Mommy -
Attend Trust Birth Conference 2012 in Nashville, TN
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Get my nose pierced
Exercise and set physical goals
Focus on spending time with my children and becoming a better mother
Record my music
For Johnny -
Donate my breastmilk
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Learn and memorize 'It is Well with my Soul'
Frame and hang "It is Well' sheet music in our home
Frame and hang his photos in our home
Scrapbook his story
DO something to make a difference to other loss families!
And so my journey of accomplishing these goals began.... The first of these would be attending Trust Birth Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. And what an incredibly perfect goal it turned out to be. My midwives had told me about this conference soon after Johnny's stillbirth, but I wasn't sure how our finances would look by April and I knew that our theater group would need me in April as this was performance time for the musical Annie. It slipped out of my mind, then for some reason, it came back in and made it to my list. I spoke with all of the mothers of the drama group and asked them their thoughts on my not being in town during the first weekend of performances. They all agreed that this was something special that I should do. I was able to get a ticket from another mother in my area who wasn't able to make it to the conference. I chose and signed up for the classes I wanted to take while I was there and began planning my week-long stay away from home. My sister and her family live in the Nashville area so I was also excited to be able to see them during my stay. Everything came together perfectly and I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I didn't know exactly what to expect and this would be the longest I had ever been away from Kristopher and the kids. He assured me that they would manage and that he was supportive of my going. Before I would go, we would visit Johnny's grave as a family. It was Easter Sunday.
4-9-2012
Yesterday, my Johnny would have been 4 months old. It still feels like yesterday. It was also Easter yesterday and we spent it with our family. Kris and I took Evelyn and Ezra to the cemetery. What an incredibly powerful day to go visit our son's grave - the day when we remember how our God's Son defeated death and the grave! The knowledge that He will someday do the same for our son and his grave is a wonderful promise to have! It has been a very personal way to teach our children about God's Love. I leave for Nashville tomorrow and I am so excited to go to Trust Birth Conference and to see my sister and her family! I pray that each class I take this week speaks to me in such amazing ways and that I go home knowing so much more than I do now and feeling confident in what path it is that God wants me to take from here.
Motherhood. Loss. Life After Loss. Pregnancy. Birth. Faith. Healing. Hope.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Beginning my Journey of Grief
In the months following the death of my Johnny, my family and I went on a journey. The journey called Life After Loss. If you have ever lost a loved one, you can more than likely relate to this. My journey was, of course, unique to my husband's journey, and the journeys of those around us. For me, I can honestly say, I am still journeying. When I look at all that I have gone through, all I have learned in the past year and a half, I can only thank my God for His faithfulness. I have literally been changed by my son's life and loss.
In the first months my emotions were hard for even me to understand. I tried to get back to living, taking care of my children and starting back to directing theater and all the other things I do. Anything normal seemed therapeutic in a sense, but it didn't take away any of the pain. Instead, after my day of normal work and routine was through and the house got quiet, I would cry and cry some more. Most nights, I cried myself to sleep and my husband would hold me, pray with me, or cry with me.
I hated my belly. Having an un-toned tummy was just a reminder that I had no baby to show for it. I felt as though I was being judged and watched by everyone around me. Like people would see my leftover baby weight and wonder where my baby was or why it was still there when my youngest was already 2.
I wanted to talk about him all of the time, but was scared of what others might think. How would people react when I talked about my dead son? I didn't want pity or "I'm sorry's" just acknowledgement that he existed. I didn't even know why I wanted this from everyone.
I wanted to do things for him and for myself. I began writing a list of goals - the things I wanted to do for him and things I wanted to do just for me, then I began doing them. It felt good to begin setting and fulfilling goals even if they were little things.
I was terrified of getting pregnant again. My husband and I had always held tight to the view that children are a blessing. Since we had first been married, we decided to give God control over my womb. But for the first time, I did not want to give God that control. For the first time I felt like I was justified in this. For the first time the idea of preventing children appealed to me.
My husband was so patient with me. He tried to encourage me but waited for me to get through whatever this was as well. He held tight still to the truth that every child is a gift and that it was wrong for us to want to prevent a gift, but he didn't push me and respected me. I know he was afraid of losing another child or even facing a pregnancy or birth again after Johnny's, but his belief that God is the giver of life and that life is a gift outweighed his fears even in the beginning of his grieving.
I didn't want just a baby, I only wanted MY JOHNNY, MY BABY. There were days when everything inside of me screamed and ached for him alone. I couldn't imagine having another baby, wouldn't that be like trying to replace him? How would he know that I will always remember him if I had another baby so soon? How would I know that I would always remember him?
I didn't know HOW to grieve. I spoke with a few women that I knew personally that had suffered a stillbirth or lost a baby as an infant. Their words were comforting. Knowing that these women had been where I was made me feel less crazy. I looked into the 5 steps of grief. These only confused me more. Some days I would feel like I had moved into the next stage of grief, only to feel that I had slipped back a step or two the following day! I felt as though since I couldn't follow these 5 steps of grief, that I was doing it all wrong. My husband, Kris, reminded me that everyone grieves differently and that he felt the same way sometimes. I left these steps behind. It was so much less confusing. I decided to grieve in my own way, one day at a time.
In the first months my emotions were hard for even me to understand. I tried to get back to living, taking care of my children and starting back to directing theater and all the other things I do. Anything normal seemed therapeutic in a sense, but it didn't take away any of the pain. Instead, after my day of normal work and routine was through and the house got quiet, I would cry and cry some more. Most nights, I cried myself to sleep and my husband would hold me, pray with me, or cry with me.
I hated my belly. Having an un-toned tummy was just a reminder that I had no baby to show for it. I felt as though I was being judged and watched by everyone around me. Like people would see my leftover baby weight and wonder where my baby was or why it was still there when my youngest was already 2.
I wanted to talk about him all of the time, but was scared of what others might think. How would people react when I talked about my dead son? I didn't want pity or "I'm sorry's" just acknowledgement that he existed. I didn't even know why I wanted this from everyone.
I wanted to do things for him and for myself. I began writing a list of goals - the things I wanted to do for him and things I wanted to do just for me, then I began doing them. It felt good to begin setting and fulfilling goals even if they were little things.
I was terrified of getting pregnant again. My husband and I had always held tight to the view that children are a blessing. Since we had first been married, we decided to give God control over my womb. But for the first time, I did not want to give God that control. For the first time I felt like I was justified in this. For the first time the idea of preventing children appealed to me.
My husband was so patient with me. He tried to encourage me but waited for me to get through whatever this was as well. He held tight still to the truth that every child is a gift and that it was wrong for us to want to prevent a gift, but he didn't push me and respected me. I know he was afraid of losing another child or even facing a pregnancy or birth again after Johnny's, but his belief that God is the giver of life and that life is a gift outweighed his fears even in the beginning of his grieving.
I didn't want just a baby, I only wanted MY JOHNNY, MY BABY. There were days when everything inside of me screamed and ached for him alone. I couldn't imagine having another baby, wouldn't that be like trying to replace him? How would he know that I will always remember him if I had another baby so soon? How would I know that I would always remember him?
I didn't know HOW to grieve. I spoke with a few women that I knew personally that had suffered a stillbirth or lost a baby as an infant. Their words were comforting. Knowing that these women had been where I was made me feel less crazy. I looked into the 5 steps of grief. These only confused me more. Some days I would feel like I had moved into the next stage of grief, only to feel that I had slipped back a step or two the following day! I felt as though since I couldn't follow these 5 steps of grief, that I was doing it all wrong. My husband, Kris, reminded me that everyone grieves differently and that he felt the same way sometimes. I left these steps behind. It was so much less confusing. I decided to grieve in my own way, one day at a time.
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