For Mommy; For Johnny

     As I mentioned in my last post, soon after losing my Johnny, I began writing a list of goals and aspirations for both myself and for him as well. These were things I wanted to do for me and things I wanted to do in his honor. They ranged from the silliest little things, or the easiest things, to large goals that I have not yet fulfilled. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed WORTH DOING.

Here is a peek at a few of these goals:

For Mommy -

Attend Trust Birth Conference 2012 in Nashville, TN
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Get my nose pierced
Exercise and set physical goals
Focus on spending time with my children and becoming a better mother
Record my music

For Johnny -

Donate my breastmilk
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Learn and memorize 'It is Well with my Soul'
Frame and hang "It is Well' sheet music in our home
Frame and hang his photos in our home
Scrapbook his story
DO something to make a difference to other loss families!

     And so my journey of accomplishing these goals began.... The first of these would be attending Trust Birth Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. And what an incredibly perfect goal it turned out to be. My midwives had told me about this conference soon after Johnny's stillbirth, but I wasn't sure how our finances would look by April and I knew that our theater group would need me in April as this was performance time for the musical Annie. It slipped out of my mind, then for some reason, it came back in and made it to my list. I spoke with all of the mothers of the drama group and asked them their thoughts on my not being in town during the first weekend of performances. They all agreed that this was something special that I should do. I was able to get a ticket from another mother in my area who wasn't able to make it to the conference. I chose and signed up for the classes I wanted to take while I was there and began planning my week-long stay away from home. My sister and her family live in the Nashville area so I was also excited to be able to see them during my stay. Everything came together perfectly and I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I didn't know exactly what to expect and this would be the longest I had ever been away from Kristopher and the kids. He assured me that they would manage and that he was supportive of my going. Before I would go, we would visit Johnny's grave as a family. It was Easter Sunday.

4-9-2012
     Yesterday, my Johnny would have been 4 months old. It still feels like yesterday. It was also Easter yesterday and we spent it with our family. Kris and I took Evelyn and Ezra to the cemetery. What an incredibly powerful day to go visit our son's grave - the day when we remember how our God's Son defeated death and the grave! The knowledge that He will someday do the same for our son and his grave is a wonderful promise to have! It has been a very personal way to teach our children about God's Love. I leave for Nashville tomorrow and I am so excited to go to Trust Birth Conference and to see my sister and her family! I pray that each class I take this week speaks to me in such amazing ways and that I go home knowing so much more than I do now and feeling confident in what path it is that God wants me to take from here.