For Mommy; For Johnny: Birthdays, Traditions, and Anonymous Gifts

Two of his Birthdays have passed since I regularly updated my blog. (I WILL CONTINUE to try and do better! God may just have plans for me as a blogger yet!) Two more years without our John Israel. And yes, grief is still a part of our lives. Grief is such a complicated thing and so very different from person to person, from family to family, and from culture to culture. There really is no right or wrong way to grieve, no real method for it either. I believe that grief itself is evidence that we were simply not made for death. We were not created with death as a part of the plan. And God never desired death. Death is NOT God's Will. It never was. Yet, here we find ourselves in a world plagued with death. And death itself is the symptom of sin. How I long for a perfect world. A world where there is no more death, no more pain, no more suffering, no more sin or hate or war. This is what our God promises to His true believers through the ransom of His Son, Jesus Christ. He gives us HOPE for a restored and perfect world. Without this hope, I am not sure where I would be now or how I would be able to get through some days. I am not sure how I would be able to carry on in joy or with true happiness in this life.

Johnny and his sibling, Harvest, are now memorials in our hearts. They serve as reminders to us that the Lord is faithful in keeping His promises. He is gracious. Always. And we can trust in Him through ALL things.

This cross marked Johnny's gravesite for a long time. It was put there on his 3rd Birthday. It's being there was a reminder that OTHERS remember our Johnny with us! He was and is loved.

Our family is blessed each year to remember Johnny on his birthday and give thanks for his existence. It has actually become a joyful event and tradition for us! For the past 4 years, we have baked a cake together, taken it to the cemetery to sing "Happy Birthday", prayed together and then eaten his cake before Mommy and Daddy each take our own quiet time to remember him. The children ask questions every year, the older ones say how much they miss him, but mostly they joyfully remember their brother who sleeps safely while we look forward to the day he will be restored to us again!

Ezra, Evelyn, and Eisley getting ready to bake with Mommy on Johnny's 3rd Birthday!

3 years of remembering him and missing him.

His 3rd birthday was especially tough on me. It felt like I had forgotten how to grieve, like I was learning how to grieve in a whole new way. Our Rainbow Baby was with us, she was healthy! It felt almost selfish to still grieve Johnny's loss. But, every child is different, every life is unique and special and it is more than okay to miss a lost child while still cherishing your living ones.

For Johnny's 4th Birthday, we planned our day to do as we had done every year before. This year was different for a couple reasons. First, Eliana was with us (our Double Rainbow) and second, shortly before his 4th birthday, we were contacted by a memorial company near his cemetery. They wanted to let us know that an anonymous person wanted to donate towards his memorial for us and that they would like us to come to the office to choose his headstone so they could begin laying the foundation for his memorial and begin the memorial order. What?! I cried and cried after getting off the phone with the woman who contacted me. I was shocked. Kris felt both blessed and humbled. It was difficult for him to accept such a gift. It was overwhelming for us both. When we met with the woman at the office, we were given full details of budget, options, etc. It exceeded our expectations. Kris and I cried right there in front of her. I wrote a note to the giver and left it with her to give to them on our behalf. What else could we do? The scriptures talk about giving in SECRET. I completely understood why through the receiving of this gift. I don't think we could have accepted such a gift any other way and by it coming to us like this, it felt fully like a gift from above. Receiving a gift is wonderful, but sometimes, it IS easier to be on the giving end than the receiving. God humbles us and loves on us through one another, if we let Him, both by spreading His Love and by accepting it.

When we arrived at the cemetery that December day, this is what we were met with.

"By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." - John 13:35

We had much to THANK God for on his 4th Birthday.

Him. Who he is in our heart. What he did and does to change our lives. What his life has done for others. The gift of his foundation being laid. The gift of his memorial in the works.

The flowers and the little reminders that others had been there too. The love that has been given to us by those who remember him. Our "Sunshine Children" and the completely precious blessings that they are.