The Days that Followed

     Psalm 55:22 - Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

     How can I describe the days that followed the stillbirth of my son? There is so much I could tell you. In the first days it was all I could do to get out of bed and continue through life. My daughter, Evelyn, and my son, Ezra, were lifesavers during this time. They gave my husband and I something to live for and something to make life seem somewhat normal. I can't imagine going through something like this without already having little blessings. The kids seemed to understand a lot more than I expected. Each time I would cry they would ask if I missed "Baby John". They would comfort me. How humbling it was to be the mother and yet to have my children help take care of me. My husband had a hard time returning to work. His mind was on me and his family. He had difficulty focusing and concentrating while away from us and in his line of work, his brain is a much needed tool. I hated him being gone too. Finally, he asked for more time off and told the company that if they needed to replace him in order to meet deadlines, he would understand. Weeks later, he would be jobless.
     Families from the theater group I direct brought us dinners. It was one less thing to worry about and we ate like Kings and Queens in the days following. I pumped and donated my milk to a mother and baby in our area that were in need. It was comforting to me that there was a baby benefiting from my milk. I prayed continually, looked to the scriptures, and learned so much about my God in those dark days. My main prayers were for comfort, for strength, and that someday God would use this painful experience, that He would use me for something wonderful. I remember praying out loud so often after John's death "Use me, God. Please just use me." . I prayed for my husband. I did not know how else to support Kris at first. My fear was that I would become angry with God or that I would shut Him or my husband out. He made anger impossible. Each time I opened my Bible, He would lead me to exactly what I needed to read. My friend, Rebecca, gave me a Bible that she pre-highlighted for me. The Bible had highlighted passages about God's grace (John means God is Gracious) and the promise that God will preserve His people (Israel means God Preserves). She also highlighted areas that she thought would help bring me comfort, and they did. I was thirsty for God's grace and for His comfort. He never failed me. 
    I remember how much more personal and more real Christ's death became to me. I still cry when I think of God's Love for us - so much Love that He would sacrifice His only Son for us. His Son suffered in death, mine did not. My baby only knew bliss and comfort. He was in my womb, safe with his Mother for all of his short life on earth. He heard his Daddy's voice, and the voices of his siblings. He knew only love and knew no pain. My heart suddenly began thanking my God for his Son all over again. My selfishness could not understand how He was so willing to give His child up when all I wanted was my child back. Simple, God IS Love and I am human.

Romans 8:31-32 - What shall we say then to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 

 

    I began to think of Mary. What a wonderful example we have in her. Not just that she willingly carried our Savior and birthed him, not in the comfort of her home, not in a hospital or birthing center, but in a barn away from everything she knew. She was willing to face the judgements of everyone around her for her pregnancy, she understood that He belonged to God. She was willing to let him go and let him put himself in danger to minister on behalf of His Father. She knew the prophesies, that he would be killed, and yet she never tried to stop Him from His calling. She stayed by his side when they tortured him and beat him. She watched him breathe his last breath. And in her heart she knew He would live again. I decided that if I could learn to be one half of the Mother that Mary was, I would not have failed in Motherhood. I wanted to keep fighting to be there for the children I already had and to learn to accept in grace the loss of my son.
     I remember sitting on our love seat one day filled with grief and full of pain. I cried out to God and wondered if He truly cared about my sorrow when I knew that John was safe and that he was in Heaven, when I should be comforted just by these thoughts and the promise that we would be united with him again someday. I still felt heartache. I questioned "Why?" so often. Was this sin? Did God hear me, did He want to comfort me? I opened my Bible that afternoon while my Evelyn and my Ezra took naps and I began to read the story of Lazarus. And in the midst of such a miraculous and awesome story, one thing spoke to me more than anything. Just before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, he looked around to see all the Jews mourning over the loss of their friend and it says simply that "Jesus wept". I was so amazed by this. Why would he weep if he knew he would bring Lazarus back to life in the very next verse? Then I realized that perhaps he wept because he could feel their pain. He cared for each and everyone who loved Lazarus, he wanted to take the time to grieve with them and to comfort them. I closed my Bible and I cried again, this time because I knew that God cared. From then on, each time I have cried and felt sorrow, I have known that Christ has been there beside me crying as well. Not because he misses John too, but because he feels my heartbreak.
     My fear of grief coming between my husband and I was proven to be absurd. My husband and I looked to one another for comfort and strength often in the days following the loss of our Johnny. If we could get through his death, his birth, and his burial together, then why would we give up then? Together we aimed to place our trust in God and looked for Him to get us through the hardships that followed, even the loss of a job. We prayed that God would bless our family and get us through the storm. We prayed that God would bring good from all our trials. The road would still be a difficult one but we held on to hope and decided to continue to hold on to it for as long as it took our hearts to mend even a little.

Romans 8:24-25 - For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

 

    

It Is Well (With my Soul)

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

(Refrain) It is well (it is well),
with my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

(Refrain)

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

(Refrain)

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

(Refrain)
And Lord haste the day, when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

(Refrain) It is well (it is well),
with my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul.

   If you have not read or heard the story behind this hymn, it is one of the most profound and powerful stories I have ever heard. You can learn about it here -  http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/11/01/the-true-story-behind-the-hymn-it-is-well-with-my-soul/

Remembering Johnny's Funeral Service

 Psalm 22:10 - I was cast upon Thee from the womb: thou art my God from my Mother's belly.

Colossians 3:4 - When Christ who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 

     After coming home from the hospital, it was such a blessing to hug and love on the two children we already had! I rested that day on our couch, crying often, looking at the one picture of him I had on our camera (above), and wishing I could have my baby with me until the funeral. With every tear, my son, Ezra, would come comfort me, stroking my arm and asking if I needed a tissue. My husband, Kris, immediately began planning the funeral service. In order to leave the hospital, we had to tell them what funeral home we were working with and in addition to that pressure, we knew we did not want too much time to pass before we layed him to rest. I had out-of-state family that were coming to support us and wanted to be at the funeral. His services would be held just 2 days following his birth. It was so much for my husband to bear. His best friend, John, (yes he is who our son was named after) and my Grandfather helped him with phone calls and supported him through the process. Kris and I discussed what we wanted for the services, and it was the hardest, yet easiest thing we have ever had to plan. It was hard because the realization that he was truly gone and was not coming back was setting in. It was hard because we had never in our wildest nightmares imagined we would need to plan a funeral for one of our children. It was hard because we wanted our baby to be with us, healthy and whole. What came easy was that both my husband and I had the same hopes for his funeral. We hoped all those around us would see a miracle through his life and we hoped that no one, not us, not our family, not our friends, would become angry with God. We chose to bury him at Bellbrook Cemetery next to my Great-Grandfather and just above my Grandfather's reserved lot. The funeral home was such a blessing to work with. We chose Bible verses that we wanted read and I asked my parents to sing "It Is Well" during the service. It was such a fitting hymn (my favorite), not just because of the story behind the song but also because it was sung during his birth and brought me comfort as I gave birth to him. Kris and his friend John went out and Kris bought a new suit for himself and a dress and boots for me. We chose the things we wanted our baby to be buried with. To me that was the toughest thing we had to do.
     I woke up the morning of the funeral and hated the sight of his empty cradle beside our bed and the baskets of freshly washed baby clothes that I had prepared in my pregnant-nesting stages. On top of everything, my milk came in that morning and I had to begin pumping to relieve my full breasts. This was especially difficult to face as I wanted nothing more than to nurse my baby. So many of our family and friends came to the cemetery on that cold December day to be there for us. Kris' best friend met us at our home and drove out with us to make sure we got there safe. We arrived. My feet hit the as-fault and it sunk in what that Sunday was all about. Immediately my eyes welled with tears and I didn't think I had the strength to be there or to keep my feet and legs strong beneath me. But Kris was beside me and the faces of people who loved us enabled me to move forward. When we turned into the tent, the sight of his little white coffin was heartbreaking. I have never seen one so small. We sat together as a family during the service. The minister did such a wonderful job including everything we had asked him to. My parents made it through It is Well perfectly. At the closing, everyone waited in the cold to hug us before they left. many of them took Birth Announcements I had made that included that same wonderful picture that I cherished so much. I have never received so many hugs in one day! It was therapeutic. There was no doubt in our minds that we were loved and that people were praying for us. My grandparents drove in from Georgia to be there and picked up my sister from Tennessee along the way.just knowing so many people felt that is was so important to be there was comforting.
     When everyone was leaving, Kris and I stayed to watch his casket be lowered and covered. We prayed together and said our final "Goodbye"s. I thought what I would feel in those moments would be torture and anguish, but instead I felt peace overcome me just as it had overcome me during his birth. I know there were angels beside us that day and in all the days surrounding his loss.
     After the funeral, my sisters planned a luncheon at my sister, Cristy's, home. She had been there for me through the labor and decided that she wanted to do something special for us. My sister, Jennifer, helped her with preparations after she had gotten in town from TN and the two of them outdid themselves. Cristy rented tables and chairs, they cooked so much food, and decorated every table in baby blue. There were baby blue roses at every table and today if you were to walk into my sister's house, you would still see a bouquet of blue roses displayed in her foyer. I smile now every time I see them. We sat, surrounded by love, as we ate our lunch that afternoon. I even held a baby that day, not my own, but a little girl named "Laynie" who holds a special space in my heart. She was the first birth I assisted at. I was about 16 wks. pregnant with my Johnny when she was born at home. It was so wonderful to have a connection to a baby that day no matter how much my heart yearned for my Johnny.

     James 1:3-4 - The trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Johnny's Birth Story

 Romans 5:3-4 - We glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.

       Both of my first two birth experiences were special, each in their own unique ways and I will always cherish their memories. There is nothing I would change about either of my home birth experiences! (You can read about them in my previous post.) My third birth was an experience I will never forget... full of pain and sorrow, yet full of peace. Our third child, John Israel Collier, was born still. He was taken to Heaven before I ever held him in my arms. His life, though short, was a special life, one that glorified God to all those around us. I remember when the nightmare began. I was 36 weeks along and my water broke late on a Monday night. We were planning our third home birth, and were so excited through the pregnancy since it would be our first home birth in our new house. I was concerned since I believed it was too early, but I tried to be positive and went to bed that night thinking I would need my rest for the next day. No contractions started though, not even with the dawn of a new day. On Tuesday morning, I called my Midwife and consulted with her about all my concerns. She came that morning to check on the baby and I and to help in whatever way she could. We listened for his heartbeat but couldn't find one, so we waited while I ate breakfast, drank some apple juice, and walked around the house. Then we listened again. It was when I saw the look of complete concern overcome her face that I realized I couldn't clearly recall the last time our baby had moved. We prayed together, called my parents and called another Midwife in our area (the same one that had assisted at Ezra's birth), then listened again. Nothing. We then decided to go to the hospital for an ultrasound.
     I was so nervous, but already felt in my heart that it was too late. Still the words hurt so bad when the doctor verified our fears by telling us, “I'm sorry but the ultrasound shows that there is no heartbeat.” Kris and I cried together, we were confused and hurt. They wanted to admit me right then and induce my labor. But, I needed time. I chose to go home. I was terrified to give birth to him knowing that he was now dead. I didn't believe I could do it. But, I prayed that God would give me strength, that he would help me to do this, and that the birth could be the best experience it could be under such circumstances. After going home, we ate. I did all I knew to try to aid my body to start laboring naturally. Later, I went to my local Chiropractor for an adjustment, hoping it might help. When Kris and I came home from her office, I was so exhausted and decided to sleep. That night I had very mild cramps. I was so relieved. I thought this meant I would be in active labor by morning and could still birth our child naturally. But by morning, my contractions had stopped. I decided we should try going out and walking for a while. We took Evelyn and Ezra to my parents' house and so many people in my family were calling, telling us or my parents what they thought we should do and how we should do it. It was so stressful and overwhelming. It was too much. I had to decide how long I should give my body, how long to wait before deciding to go to the hospital to be induced. I wanted so badly to labor naturally, but thought I didn't have much time before risking infection. Did I still want to have him at home? Would that be to painful a memory? Should I try to go into labor naturally and have a hospital birth? It felt like so much pressure, especially when I was scared to death to birth our son and I was already mourning his loss. I was in a state of shock. We went to get some homeopathic medicines that we hoped could help induce my labor and went home. I feel like those couple of days were the longest days of my life. After praying together that whole day, my husband and I went to the Hospital at about 6:00 pm on Wednesday to be induced and birth our son. I can't tell you why I made this decision, only that I felt convinced this would be the best thing for me.

Psalm 56: 3-4 - What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee. In God I will praise His Word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me

Deuteronomy 31:8 -And the Lord, He it is that doth go before thee, He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed. 

 

"Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest."

Philippeans 4:13 - I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.

    My parents, Kris' parents, my Midwives and so many others came and stayed through the labor. My Midwives had switched their roles and came to be there and support me in whatever way they could, they came as my friends, and fulfilled the roles of doula and photographer. Everyone wanted to be there for us and the waiting room was full of people who cared for us. It was my first Hospital birth experience and I was scared. I knew they would stick me with needles and I had no idea who would be my nurses or who would be my doctor. I had no idea how different Pitocin induced contractions would be, since I had never experienced them. There were already many praying for us and even with all the fears, God gave us strength to get through. It was the most beautiful still birth I could have imagined, and unlike any other Hospital birth I have ever heard of or seen. Yes, I hated the needles. I hated them running all their tests and taking so much blood. I hated the IV, I hated the smell, I hated that I felt like a guest under their mercy and not the queen of the hour. But, I loved the birth ball, Kris loved the kneeling pad, I was grateful that the staff was very respectful of my wishes, I loved having the support I had in the room and from the waiting room, and I feel like I did need the Pitocin this time and I was where I needed to be to birth my son. All of our prayers were answered and I know that God sent angels to be there beside us. We used the birth cards I had made when I was pregnant with Evelyn and with Ezra. Hearing God's precious words  made me feel as though He was comforting me through. It wasn't until my mother, sister, and my Midwives began singing hymns that I felt the fear begin to leave my mind. They sang my favorite hymn, It is Well with My Soul, and I felt ready.

Psalm 46: 1-2a - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear. 

Psalm 18:6a - In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple.

    I was finally ready to meet our son, to hold him for the first and last time. I remember Kris telling me while I was laboring that our son was watching me give birth to him from Heaven. How amazing that thought was to me. I remembered that just like my first two births, this was something only I could do. I knew God had appointed this duty to me and He would not give me more than I could bear. I prayed out loud as I transitioned, telling God I was finally ready, and that I wanted to meet my baby. Almost immediately,  I felt the urge to push and our son began to leave my body. I told Kris he was coming and Kris took his ready position behind me with such strength and bravery, ready to catch our son. I was kneeling, leaning on the birth ball. I felt as though I was kneeling before God, as I was praying the entire time. My Dad was now in the room beside my Mom since I had asked for him to come in. He took Kris' old position, in front of me, holding one of my hands. I know my parents were praying. I was never alone and the room was filled with love and with God's spirit. All at once, Johnny left my body. Kris caught him and I eagerly turned to hold him. My heart broke as I wept over our son's body. But past his bruises he looked so peaceful, he looked so perfect. The doctor and nurses weren't even in the room for his delivery. It was a quiet birth in a hospital setting, something I had never imagined. It was perfect.

 Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted

   Kris and I cried together. I was helped into the bed and Kris placed Johnny in my arms again. He was so handsome and resembled our other babies in so many ways. Kris went to tell everyone in the waiting room that he had come and that I was okay. The bravery and support he showed through the labor and stillbirth of our son is indescribable. The doctor and nurses came to help me birth his placenta, get cleaned up, and check on me. I held my Johnny and we spent about 5 hours with him. He was born on  Dec. 8, 2011 at 2:06 am. He weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. and was 20 inches long. His cheeks were still chubby though he was much smaller than his sister and brother. His cheeks, nose and lips were perfect. He was fragile and so beautiful. Our daughter, Evelyn, now four, came to the hospital to meet him at around 6:00 am. She had cried as she asked me the night before if she could see the baby. We decided that we should not deprive her of meeting her baby brother when she had asked to. It would be months later when she would tell us that she remembers her baby brother and thank us for letting her meet him. Those 5 hours went too fast. I was tired. I  didn't want to let him go. The doctor had been asking us to let her know when we were ready. Though I wanted to hold him forever, I felt that we should not hold onto his body too long, believing his spirit was already preserved in Heaven. I sang a lullaby to him and prayed over him before I told Kris I was ready to say “Goodbye”. Kris sang to him and talked with him before he felt ready to part. Our family prayed a prayer of dedication and we called the doctor in to take him. It was the last time I would see my baby.

 "Just as sure as I'm sure there's a Heaven, this was meant to be. No road is too long as long as you belong to me." 

    The cause of our baby's passing is still not known for sure. We did not know his sex until the ultrasound, and it was then that we gave him his name – John Israel Collier, which means “God is gracious; God preserves”. The perfect name. We decided the day of the ultrasound that we did not want an autopsy done. Our faith and trust in God told us that God did what was best for our son and for us, even if we do not fully understand why. My comfort is found in my faith that we will see our son again and he will be perfect and whole. Someday I will hold my baby again and we will raise him in a perfect world.

Psalm 31:24 - Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. 

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in His Word do I hope. 

My Birth Stories Before Stillbirth

                                                             Evelyn Bryce - 2011

   Evelyn's Story - I was 18 years old when our first child was born. My husband, Kristopher, and I decided to have our baby at home after doing a lot of research.... I mean, a LOT of research. I was nervous and scared for the well-being of my baby and wanted to know as much as I could about my body and what I was about to go through. We believed that God designed my body to give birth and that I could do so naturally yet we both had this false picture of birth that I had to work hard to leave behind me. We also believed birth should not be treated like an emergency, unless it first becomes an emergency. A home birth was the perfect choice for us. Our daughter, Evelyn Bryce Collier, was born in our home at 11:34pm on Thursday, March 20, 2008 – the first day of Spring. She was surrounded by an atmosphere of faith and love from the very start.
    On Monday, March 17th , as I tried to go to bed, I felt like something was different. I was having a hard time getting to sleep because I was feeling what felt like cramps. By the next morning, I was laboring and my contractions were getting increasingly closer and harder. We called my Midwife and other birth attendants and they were at our home soon after that. Everyone was a little surprised that I was truly laboring since I was about 2 weeks early and this is slightly unusual for “first-timers”. (Just more evidence that every labor and birth experience is uniquely different.) My husband went to buy a few last minute things for the birth before my Midwife and birth attendants arrived. When he came home, he surprised me with a wonderful “Hang in there. You can do this. I love you.” note, a toy for the baby, and two bears: a pink bear and a blue bear. We had chosen to wait until our baby's birth to find out whether it was a girl or a boy. We were excited, it was time! I couldn't talk during my contractions, I was throwing up, and I was having contractions about 4 minutes apart. I was in active labor! I would be for 59 long hours.
    So much happened during those 3 days, I wish I could write every single detail. Though my labor was long, I would not change a thing about it. I learned so much during my labor and had such a memorable, life changing experience. The support I received from everyone around me was incredible. My husband barely left my side, and when he did, he only did so because I told him he would be of more use to me if he had some sleep. He may have been a little nervous, but he knew exactly what to say to me and was my rock through it all. Each one of my attendants gave me every minute they could and dedicated days to my labor. Their energy and time given meant so much to me. They continuously offered their support, encouragement, knowledge, and anything and everything else they possibly could. My Mom and Dad were also there. We lived in their home at this time so it was wonderful that they were so happy to open their hearts and home to the idea of a home birth. They offered help and support however they could and were so positive and encouraging the entire time.
    It was a whole new version of birth, or maybe an old-fashioned version with a bit of a modern twist! So different than the kind you see on TV or in movies, so different than the typical labor mothers in America so often experience. I was free to move around as I pleased, to get as comfortable as possible, to stand in the shower, to sit in the birth tub, to eat, and on one night, even manage to sleep between my contractions. I was free to let nature take its course instead of forcing it to happen in my (or my doctor's) time, and I never looked at the clock. I used relaxation “tools” I had prepared for myself through pregnancy. I remember realizing about halfway through the first day that I was trying to run from my contractions instead of working with them and surrendering myself to the labor process. Once I knew what I was doing, I knew how to fix it. “Relax. Don't run from this. Surrender. You can do this” I managed to calm myself through the knowledge that I had, but faith was they key through it all. Faith in myself, but ultimately faith that God was with me and had created me to do this so well!
    There were so many unique memories made during those 59 hours. I danced with my husband, played music and sang with him, hugged, kissed, prayed, went on a walk in our neighborhood... we  even colored Easter eggs around our kitchen table. Kris and one of my attendants both read scripture and uplifting quotes, poems, and song lyrics to me that I had written down on cards during pregnancy. (One of my relaxation “tools” I mentioned before.) I was tired, but never scared, I never gave up, and I never doubted that our baby would be born right there in the home where I grew up.
    My Midwife made sure I stayed hydrated and had some food in my belly the whole time, which kept me going. But, I was still tired and I felt almost “stuck” when we decided to call my Chiropractor. I also asked for my sister to join us at this time, feeling like the added moral support may help me feel stronger. After she arrived, my Chiropractor traveled from 2 hours away to attend my birth and after he arrived, he adjusted my neck. About 30 minutes later, my water broke. I labored a while longer before he adjusted my neck again, and about 30 minutes after that, my baby was finally born. I could honestly feel the difference immediately after I was adjusted, especially the first time.  I am so thankful that he came and brought with him a very  positive, helpful, and supportive attitude. Needless to say I am very supportive of Chiropractic care through pregnancy. It seemed that small adjustment aided my hormones so much!
    The most incredible part of it all was when our baby finally decided to make her grand entrance into the world. I stood, supported by my father and a birth attendant on each side of me,  sweating as my body pushed her out.(The extra support was nice since my body was very tired, but as I found out with my next labor, this is not usually needed, just a wall, a lover, or a chair to lean or put a hand on.)  First came her head, then finally her body, one shoulder at a time. My husband told me later how surprised he was when he saw that I was smiling with each contraction during the "hardest" stage of my labor. She was finally arriving and I was so ready! I looked at my dad, he was sweating as much as I was. (It was hot in the small bathroom) I remember thinking to myself that it looked like he was laboring right along with me. Kris was at my feet, watching, waiting to be the first one to touch our child. He talked to me, giving me extra strength. I remember how amazed his voice sounded when he told me he could see the baby's head, that I was almost there! Then it happened, she arrived! Kris delivered her into my arms. She was beautiful. All wet and new. I cannot describe how I felt in those first few moments, it seems almost a dream now. I was flooded by emotion. I cried tears of joy and was so overcome with love for our new baby, for my husband, and for our new little family. I felt so proud, like I had just completed a task that only I could have done, yet so humbled that this life I was holding was a miracle handmade by God Himself.  Then we announced together, “It' a girl!” My sister asked, “What is her name?” And I replied, “Evelyn”.
    After a few moments of skin-to-skin bliss, I was helped from the bathroom to our bedroom and sat in my own bed where Evelyn stayed in my arms, undisturbed, for hours. I held her close to me and the two of us, both rookies, learned the art of breastfeeding together. I was thankful to have some guidance from some of the experienced mothers there, it seemed nursing didn't come very easily me and I could definitely use some pointers. My Chiropractor checked on us before he left for his long drive back, so happy that he was able to be a part of her home birth. Then, it was time to cut the umbilical cord, which my Mom volunteered to do. I finally birthed her placenta and then Evelyn was weighed and measured and checked up on. She was a beautiful and healthy 9 lb, 21 ¼ in. baby. And to me, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I slept in my own comfortable bed that night, Evelyn beside me, undisturbed and able to bond with my new baby and my husband.
    The birth of our daughter was everything and more than I had hoped it would be. Everyone seemed to have faith in my ability to give birth, it gave me strength through even the most tiring hours of my labor. How blessed I felt, to be the one who would deliver our child into the world. Through such an amazing, trying, and empowering experience God answered the prayers I prayed often through pregnancy – that my labor and birth experience would help teach me patience and that through it, I would truly transform into a Mother. She was 9 lbs, my first baby, and I had no tearing or any other complications. She was so healthy and so alert from the start. I know now that if I had had her in the Hospital, they would have never let me labor naturally for so long. I would have been induced with Pitocin and since Pitocin induced contractions are harder than natural contractions, I may have requested an Epidural which could have slowed the labor again and also could have caused the baby's heart rate to slow. This string of events could have led to a Cesarean Section. But I was not in the hospital I was where I felt most in control, my home. It was a beautiful first birth experience and it wasn't but two weeks later when I started saying I was ready to do it all again. And I would, almost exactly 2 years later.

                                                                          Ezra William - 2011
                                         

    Ezra's Story - My second birth experience was similar in many ways to my first one, but very different in others. My husband, Kris, and and I knew with all our hearts and minds that we wanted another home birth. After the experience our daughter's home birth had been, we couldn't imagine anything else. I felt so much more relaxed and less anxious about this birth. After all, I had been through it before, I knew what to expect, and I felt like after conquering a 59 hour first labor... I could conquer anything. My husband and I chose to ask one of my attendants from our daughter's birth back as the Midwife for our second birth. She accepted. We knew we wanted a quieter birth this time and made that known to her. Don't get me wrong, I did not mind all the “traffic” during my first birth, just the opposite! I loved all the different sources of support! I needed them with her birth. Something just sounded nice about keeping it a bit quieter this time, to labor by myself longer, and to spend most of the labor alone with my husband. My hope was that this labor would be only ½ the length of the first one and this time, I was blessed with a short 6 hour labor.
    I was only 1 week past my due date,  but it felt like a month! I felt big and uncomfortable, excited, and ready to have our second baby. I woke up on Friday March 27,  2010, one week after our daughter, Evelyn's, second  Birthday, and I felt the same pre-labor “cramps” I had felt with the night before I went into labor with her. I felt like the best thing for me to do was to walk in order to naturally “induce” myself into labor. (I really wanted to have this baby, and soon!) So Kris, Evelyn, and I went to run some errands. I remember telling my parents we were going to go to the store to walk the baby out! My parents had a full schedule that day and a concert that night, so my mom told me not to have the baby before they got home. (We still lived in their home at this time.) Everyone laughed. Knowing how long my last labor was made this request so comical to all of us ! While we were at the store, my contractions became strong enough that I could no longer walk or talk through them and I was afraid people would start to stare as I started wanting to vocalize my way through them. We checked out and loaded up the car. In the car, Kris, timed my contractions and they were about 3 minutes apart. I was so excited when he told me he thought it was very likely I would give birth the same day that I went into labor! We got home (I love that our destination was home and not frantically rushing to the Hospital.) I got in some comfy clothes while Kris unloaded Evelyn and called my Midwife to let her know I was in labor but that I wanted to labor a while before we asked her and her assistant to come. He also called a friend of ours to see if she could help watch Evelyn during the labor and birth. After she came, we ended up sending her to the store before the labor picked up since we had forgotten a pink bear in case the baby was a girl. (The blue bear from Evelyn's birth was set aside for this one since we felt pretty confident he was a boy.) I started to panic at the thought of another girl since we did not have any girl names that we were even considering!
    I got through each contraction very similarly yet very differently than I had the first time. I felt like a laboring pro. My back ached (I forgot how much that hurt) so I hit one of my favorite spots from the first labor – the shower. Our friend got back and took over keeping Evelyn occupied for Kris. He and I both seemed more confident, more comfortable, and more at ease this time. I remember feeling at times during the labor like it was almost going too fast, “Just go with it! Hold on to this wild ride!” I would remind myself! I labored for a while before giving Kris the go-ahead to call my birth attendants. Evelyn played outside with her babysitter, then I heard the sounds of Veggie Tales coming from the downstairs as I labored upstairs with Kris right there with me, just the two of us in the privacy and comfort of the house I had lived in since I could remember. I heard my attendants come in the house. My Midwife came in so quietly to check on me, then graciously slipped away telling us they would be right downstairs whenever I needed or wanted them. The private and quiet atmosphere was wonderful, Kris and I both loved it. I wondered how Evelyn was doing. And at about the same moment that I wondered about her, she heard my vocalizing from downstairs and was curious, so our friend brought her upstairs and asked if Evelyn could see me for a little bit. I wanted nothing more! I was in my favorite spot again – the shower. Kris held Evelyn and brought her to the partially opened shower curtain. He talked to her, explaining why Mommy was making noises as more contractions came. She reached her little hand in, touching my belly and said “Okay Mommy.” and stroked it in a comforting manner. Then she went back downstairs to finish her show. Needless to say, after this experience, I am very supportive of other children being present for their sibling's births.
    All so fast, the labor picked up and I felt like the time was soon. I got out of the shower and asked Kris to get my nightgown and my birth attendants. (I had picked out one of my favorite nighties for the birth while I was pregnant since I decided I wanted to “dress up” for the occasion this time!) I labored  a while longer, feeling the urge to push. Our friend and Evelyn came to the top of the stairs since Evelyn wanted to see me again. I told them to stay before I hopped back in the shower  for only a few minutes.  And then it progressed to the grand finale! I stepped out, put a hand against the wall, and our baby crowned. Kris and I both reached down and touched his head together being the first ones to touch our son. “It's slimey!” I said with a little giggle! And then all at once, my water broke and out came his head, and then his body! Kris caught him from behind, since I was facing the wall. I turned, stepped over his cord, and Kris delivered our second child into my arms. “It's a boy!” he told me. Our Ezra. It was 9:20pm.
    After birthing his placenta, Kris cut his cord. I sat in our bed undisturbed, nursing, holding, and bonding with my baby. Kris tucked Evelyn in bed, then helped my birth attendants with clean up. I was in a haze where everything around me except for the precious life in my arms seemed to disappear. I don't remember all the little details, only how wonderful those first moments were. We weighed and measured him. He was healthy, big, and strong at 10 lbs. 21in. When my parents got home, the house was quiet, everyone was gone except for Kris, Evelyn, Ezra, and I. They couldn't believe it when Kris met them outside and greeted them with, “Well, you have a new grandson!” They quietly came to take a peak at him and say “Goodnight.” Kris tucked Ezra and I in, making sure we were both comfortable and then we all slept. It had been a truly eventful day!

                                                            Ezra & Evelyn - Winter 2012

About Me

     My name is Anna. I am 23 years old. I am blessed with a wonderful man who has stayed by my side for over 6 years. I have 2 wonderful children: Evelyn - 5, Ezra - 3,  and 2 Angel Babies: Johnny - who went to be in Heaven with Jesus in December 2011, and another baby we never got the pleasure of meeting that we lost in September 2012. I am not sure why I am starting this blog now as it has been over a year since our son Johnny's passing. Most women who have lost little ones start an online journal almost immediately after the loss of their loved one. But I want this blog to be so much more than just the story of my Baby's loss. I want it to inspire women and encourage them. I want my testimony to bring hope to others and make a difference in even just one person's life.
     I have spent the last year going through all the "normal" symptoms of grief. I have been told that the first year would be the hardest. Perhaps that is true, but the truth is, I will never forget my son. John Israel Collier was born still on December 8th, 2011. The days surrounding his birth were the hardest days of my life. But his life and death have changed me so much and have already brought good things to my life and the lives of those around me. This is the journey I want to share with you.

                     This picture was taken in 2011, during my 3rd pregnancy with Baby John.

Psalm 51:12 - Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation; and uphold me with Thy free spirit.