The Days that Followed

     Psalm 55:22 - Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

     How can I describe the days that followed the stillbirth of my son? There is so much I could tell you. In the first days it was all I could do to get out of bed and continue through life. My daughter, Evelyn, and my son, Ezra, were lifesavers during this time. They gave my husband and I something to live for and something to make life seem somewhat normal. I can't imagine going through something like this without already having little blessings. The kids seemed to understand a lot more than I expected. Each time I would cry they would ask if I missed "Baby John". They would comfort me. How humbling it was to be the mother and yet to have my children help take care of me. My husband had a hard time returning to work. His mind was on me and his family. He had difficulty focusing and concentrating while away from us and in his line of work, his brain is a much needed tool. I hated him being gone too. Finally, he asked for more time off and told the company that if they needed to replace him in order to meet deadlines, he would understand. Weeks later, he would be jobless.
     Families from the theater group I direct brought us dinners. It was one less thing to worry about and we ate like Kings and Queens in the days following. I pumped and donated my milk to a mother and baby in our area that were in need. It was comforting to me that there was a baby benefiting from my milk. I prayed continually, looked to the scriptures, and learned so much about my God in those dark days. My main prayers were for comfort, for strength, and that someday God would use this painful experience, that He would use me for something wonderful. I remember praying out loud so often after John's death "Use me, God. Please just use me." . I prayed for my husband. I did not know how else to support Kris at first. My fear was that I would become angry with God or that I would shut Him or my husband out. He made anger impossible. Each time I opened my Bible, He would lead me to exactly what I needed to read. My friend, Rebecca, gave me a Bible that she pre-highlighted for me. The Bible had highlighted passages about God's grace (John means God is Gracious) and the promise that God will preserve His people (Israel means God Preserves). She also highlighted areas that she thought would help bring me comfort, and they did. I was thirsty for God's grace and for His comfort. He never failed me. 
    I remember how much more personal and more real Christ's death became to me. I still cry when I think of God's Love for us - so much Love that He would sacrifice His only Son for us. His Son suffered in death, mine did not. My baby only knew bliss and comfort. He was in my womb, safe with his Mother for all of his short life on earth. He heard his Daddy's voice, and the voices of his siblings. He knew only love and knew no pain. My heart suddenly began thanking my God for his Son all over again. My selfishness could not understand how He was so willing to give His child up when all I wanted was my child back. Simple, God IS Love and I am human.

Romans 8:31-32 - What shall we say then to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 

 

    I began to think of Mary. What a wonderful example we have in her. Not just that she willingly carried our Savior and birthed him, not in the comfort of her home, not in a hospital or birthing center, but in a barn away from everything she knew. She was willing to face the judgements of everyone around her for her pregnancy, she understood that He belonged to God. She was willing to let him go and let him put himself in danger to minister on behalf of His Father. She knew the prophesies, that he would be killed, and yet she never tried to stop Him from His calling. She stayed by his side when they tortured him and beat him. She watched him breathe his last breath. And in her heart she knew He would live again. I decided that if I could learn to be one half of the Mother that Mary was, I would not have failed in Motherhood. I wanted to keep fighting to be there for the children I already had and to learn to accept in grace the loss of my son.
     I remember sitting on our love seat one day filled with grief and full of pain. I cried out to God and wondered if He truly cared about my sorrow when I knew that John was safe and that he was in Heaven, when I should be comforted just by these thoughts and the promise that we would be united with him again someday. I still felt heartache. I questioned "Why?" so often. Was this sin? Did God hear me, did He want to comfort me? I opened my Bible that afternoon while my Evelyn and my Ezra took naps and I began to read the story of Lazarus. And in the midst of such a miraculous and awesome story, one thing spoke to me more than anything. Just before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, he looked around to see all the Jews mourning over the loss of their friend and it says simply that "Jesus wept". I was so amazed by this. Why would he weep if he knew he would bring Lazarus back to life in the very next verse? Then I realized that perhaps he wept because he could feel their pain. He cared for each and everyone who loved Lazarus, he wanted to take the time to grieve with them and to comfort them. I closed my Bible and I cried again, this time because I knew that God cared. From then on, each time I have cried and felt sorrow, I have known that Christ has been there beside me crying as well. Not because he misses John too, but because he feels my heartbreak.
     My fear of grief coming between my husband and I was proven to be absurd. My husband and I looked to one another for comfort and strength often in the days following the loss of our Johnny. If we could get through his death, his birth, and his burial together, then why would we give up then? Together we aimed to place our trust in God and looked for Him to get us through the hardships that followed, even the loss of a job. We prayed that God would bless our family and get us through the storm. We prayed that God would bring good from all our trials. The road would still be a difficult one but we held on to hope and decided to continue to hold on to it for as long as it took our hearts to mend even a little.

Romans 8:24-25 - For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.