A New Journey

     It was almost strange to me in the beginning - being the one who was pregnant. I had been practicing as a student doula and supporting more and more women in their pregnancies and births, but now it was my turn. It seemed too good to be true at first. At around my 8th week of pregnancy, all the new excitements had taken over me and had me smiling from ear to ear. Though fear may have been somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt so positive! In journal entries, I wrote on and on about my weight gain, my cravings, my absolute NEED for more food, and baby names. I was hungry almost every minute of the day it seemed and if I went a while without food, I felt that nausea and lightheaded feeling that pregnancy tends to bring.
     I wasn't the only one with this excitement. Our entire family seemed overcome with joy at the thought of a new baby and this excitement didn't ever wear off. I prayed daily for the strength to hope continually and the strength to conquer my fears. I prayed for our baby's well-being and protection. I began planning for my pregnancy and for our baby. I had chosen my Midwife and scheduled my first prenatal with her. I wanted a home birth again so badly. This time, I began looking at buying a birth tub for what I hoped would be my first water birth. We already knew we wanted to keep our baby's sex a surprise as we had with our first two children. This made name picking extra fun. We had a boy name chosen and set aside but we began looking at girl names. My husband really believed our little one was a girl since this is what our son, Ezra had announced to us before we knew we were pregnant. "Ellie" seemed to feel right to both of us in the beginning. So we set it aside and began playing with middle name ideas.
       But fear would make its way to the front of my mind as often as it could. I'm sure hormones and emotions didn't help me very much, but there seemed to be such a huge spiritual battle inside of me. I had thought it wouldn't begin to get hard until my 13th and 16th weeks since these were the weeks when I bled during my pregnancy with our stillborn son, Johnny. I was wrong. It didn't matter when it was, worry and doubt just attacked whenever they were able to. My husband was always so helpful during these times. He would rub me with essential oils and pray with me. Prayer always brought me peace. I remember one day when he was not home so vividly. I wasn't feeling well that day. I was fighting off normal pregnancy sickness. I felt tired and weak that entire day and was dealing with a terrible head ache. My emotions were everywhere and I was having a hard time controlling them. Worry overcame me. I went upstairs in my bedroom, away from the kids, prayed aloud, and said the words, "Nothing is wrong. Everything is okay." repeatedly until I began to believe them. Soon after was when I first made the decision and the commitment to trust in my God... NO MATTER WHAT... even if everything was NOT okay.
    

A New Pregnancy, a New Hope

January 28, 2013 -
      Last night, our Ezra decided to randomly announce that his mommy was going to have a baby and that it was a baby girl. It caught us by surprise that's for sure! I knew I was a little late but we hadn't even considered it yet. My in-laws looked at us expecting we were keeping something from them. But, we were every bit as surprised by his words as they were. On the way home from my in-laws house, we stopped at the store and bought a pregnancy test, hoping our little man was right. Who knew, maybe God revealed something to him that He hadn't yet revealed to us? This morning we discovered that he had and our Ezra was right about at least one part of his statement! I am pregnant! Becoming pregnant has always been exciting for me. It was so special when we found out we were expecting Evelyn - we would become parents for the first time! It was wonderful when the pregnancy test confirmed what I already knew in my heart with Ezra. It was exciting when I took the pregnancy test that confirmed my pregnancy with our Johnny. But, nothing can quite describe just how I felt this time. I felt rushed with joy and relief. I have never cried with so much happiness and thanksgiving! I was afraid to take the test this morning. Maybe I wasn't pregnant or maybe my hormones were not high enough to get a positive result, maybe I would only miscarry again.

  Ezra- our little prophet!

     The desire for another baby has grown so strong this past year. Losing baby Johnny left me with an overwhelming desire to mother a baby again. I think most mothers who have lost a child, miscarried, or faced infertility can understand the ache. When I miscarried in September, I thought I might miscarry again or worse, maybe I would never have a baby again. It has taken me months to truly let go and let God. I am just learning what it is to fully trust in Him. He is the giver of life. He opens and shuts the womb. How ridiculous it is for humans to believe even for a moment that we can control what only God can. He knows our needs. He knows my desire for this baby. This little one will never replace our Johnny or the baby we lost so early in my pregnancy. It will never take away the pain of a grieving mother or prevent me from wanting our Johnny again. This baby will not erase my miscarriage or the past year. But, I believe this baby is a miracle and will help my heart to heal. I will be grateful for every day with this little life and will not take it for granted.
     As much as I am excited and happy, I am nervous, I am scared. I just couldn't bear another loss. I am praying to my God that He will protect our baby and watch over this pregnancy. All I know is, I want this child so much. I want a healthy baby, boy or girl. I want a safe pregnancy and positive birth experience. Words just can't describe the desire within me and the hope that I am finding through this new life!
 

The family of snowmen Ezra and his daddy made this year.

 Look closely, the mama snowman has a pregnant belly!