A New Journey

     It was almost strange to me in the beginning - being the one who was pregnant. I had been practicing as a student doula and supporting more and more women in their pregnancies and births, but now it was my turn. It seemed too good to be true at first. At around my 8th week of pregnancy, all the new excitements had taken over me and had me smiling from ear to ear. Though fear may have been somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt so positive! In journal entries, I wrote on and on about my weight gain, my cravings, my absolute NEED for more food, and baby names. I was hungry almost every minute of the day it seemed and if I went a while without food, I felt that nausea and lightheaded feeling that pregnancy tends to bring.
     I wasn't the only one with this excitement. Our entire family seemed overcome with joy at the thought of a new baby and this excitement didn't ever wear off. I prayed daily for the strength to hope continually and the strength to conquer my fears. I prayed for our baby's well-being and protection. I began planning for my pregnancy and for our baby. I had chosen my Midwife and scheduled my first prenatal with her. I wanted a home birth again so badly. This time, I began looking at buying a birth tub for what I hoped would be my first water birth. We already knew we wanted to keep our baby's sex a surprise as we had with our first two children. This made name picking extra fun. We had a boy name chosen and set aside but we began looking at girl names. My husband really believed our little one was a girl since this is what our son, Ezra had announced to us before we knew we were pregnant. "Ellie" seemed to feel right to both of us in the beginning. So we set it aside and began playing with middle name ideas.
       But fear would make its way to the front of my mind as often as it could. I'm sure hormones and emotions didn't help me very much, but there seemed to be such a huge spiritual battle inside of me. I had thought it wouldn't begin to get hard until my 13th and 16th weeks since these were the weeks when I bled during my pregnancy with our stillborn son, Johnny. I was wrong. It didn't matter when it was, worry and doubt just attacked whenever they were able to. My husband was always so helpful during these times. He would rub me with essential oils and pray with me. Prayer always brought me peace. I remember one day when he was not home so vividly. I wasn't feeling well that day. I was fighting off normal pregnancy sickness. I felt tired and weak that entire day and was dealing with a terrible head ache. My emotions were everywhere and I was having a hard time controlling them. Worry overcame me. I went upstairs in my bedroom, away from the kids, prayed aloud, and said the words, "Nothing is wrong. Everything is okay." repeatedly until I began to believe them. Soon after was when I first made the decision and the commitment to trust in my God... NO MATTER WHAT... even if everything was NOT okay.