A New Pregnancy, a New Hope

January 28, 2013 -
      Last night, our Ezra decided to randomly announce that his mommy was going to have a baby and that it was a baby girl. It caught us by surprise that's for sure! I knew I was a little late but we hadn't even considered it yet. My in-laws looked at us expecting we were keeping something from them. But, we were every bit as surprised by his words as they were. On the way home from my in-laws house, we stopped at the store and bought a pregnancy test, hoping our little man was right. Who knew, maybe God revealed something to him that He hadn't yet revealed to us? This morning we discovered that he had and our Ezra was right about at least one part of his statement! I am pregnant! Becoming pregnant has always been exciting for me. It was so special when we found out we were expecting Evelyn - we would become parents for the first time! It was wonderful when the pregnancy test confirmed what I already knew in my heart with Ezra. It was exciting when I took the pregnancy test that confirmed my pregnancy with our Johnny. But, nothing can quite describe just how I felt this time. I felt rushed with joy and relief. I have never cried with so much happiness and thanksgiving! I was afraid to take the test this morning. Maybe I wasn't pregnant or maybe my hormones were not high enough to get a positive result, maybe I would only miscarry again.

  Ezra- our little prophet!

     The desire for another baby has grown so strong this past year. Losing baby Johnny left me with an overwhelming desire to mother a baby again. I think most mothers who have lost a child, miscarried, or faced infertility can understand the ache. When I miscarried in September, I thought I might miscarry again or worse, maybe I would never have a baby again. It has taken me months to truly let go and let God. I am just learning what it is to fully trust in Him. He is the giver of life. He opens and shuts the womb. How ridiculous it is for humans to believe even for a moment that we can control what only God can. He knows our needs. He knows my desire for this baby. This little one will never replace our Johnny or the baby we lost so early in my pregnancy. It will never take away the pain of a grieving mother or prevent me from wanting our Johnny again. This baby will not erase my miscarriage or the past year. But, I believe this baby is a miracle and will help my heart to heal. I will be grateful for every day with this little life and will not take it for granted.
     As much as I am excited and happy, I am nervous, I am scared. I just couldn't bear another loss. I am praying to my God that He will protect our baby and watch over this pregnancy. All I know is, I want this child so much. I want a healthy baby, boy or girl. I want a safe pregnancy and positive birth experience. Words just can't describe the desire within me and the hope that I am finding through this new life!
 

The family of snowmen Ezra and his daddy made this year.

 Look closely, the mama snowman has a pregnant belly!