The Heart Suffers Still - Almost 2 Years Since Johnny's Stillbirth

       As we head to the beginning of December again this year, it only gets harder.... 2 years doesn't seem all that long ago to me. 2 years ago I was 35 weeks pregnant, craving peanut butter and honey sandwiches, enjoying baby movements, drinking a ton of water, and chewing ice. 2 years ago we were planning for our baby's home birth, washing and folding all of our gender neutral baby clothes, setting up the bassinet in our bedroom, and still trying to choose a girl name, just in case! 2 years ago we didn't realize what trials the next week would bring or that we would have to say goodbye to our baby so soon. We were blissfully baby bonding, blissfully awaiting the arrival of our little one, anxious to learn our baby's sex, excited to give our baby a name and to meet him or her for the very first time. 

Our Family - November 26, 2011 - 34 weeks

      It's so difficult to grieve still when the world around you seems to forget. During the first year after our Johnny's stillbirth, our family and friends seemed to remember and recognize our loss. Now, 2 years from his death, people seem to be forgetting. I am learning to find peace with this. It seems selfish to ask to world to stop and recognize the existence of a soul they never even met. Yet still, I can't help but want those who know us and knew us when we lost our Johnny, to stop and take a minute to show us they remember and show us they are praying for us. 

     This year, just like last, we plan to spend his stillbirthday (December 8th) baking him a cake, dressing warm, and visiting the cemetery for a mini birthday party. Like last year, I will write him a letter and the kids want to make him a card. All I want is to spend the whole day remembering him, taking the time to grieve his loss, and thanking God for his existence. All I want is for people to respect that this is something we plan to do each year and that his stillbirthday is still and will always be important to us. The world around us may forget, the world around us may completely move on. We never will.