22 Things About A Mother Who has Lost a Child

December 8th, 2011 - It was a day that changed me. And here I find myself, almost 5 years later, still trying to get to know the person that I am now. The most difficult part of the journey at this point has been simply being okay with who I am now. It's learning how to be a new me and stop trying so hard to be the old one. After all, sometimes it's our trials that make us who we are meant to be. Sometimes the hardest things make us stronger, bolder, more loving, more hopeful, and more empathetic to a hurting world. The key is to remain vulnerable and open enough in order to allow those experiences to make a difference.

My journey is teaching me. Every. Single. Day. Johnny is teaching me about grief, about love, about fear, about trusting in the Lord in all things, and about a HUGE need in our culture for the unifying of women and mothers. We need one another. We need one another's openness. We need one another's prayers. We need one another's hugs. We need one another's grace. We need one another's empathy. We need one another's stories. We need one another's time. We need one another's forgiveness. We need one another's love.

For other hurting mothers, I want to share a few things I have learned to be true as a loss mom. Things I didn't understand before my losses. My hope is that these things will help you offer love, sympathy, and understanding to a mother who has lost a child. And yes, she DOES need YOU.

1.) A mother who has lost a child never forgets. The hurt is always there, like a hole in her heart. A hole she wouldn't wish away even if she could because she wants to remember her child no matter how painful the ache is.

2.) A mother who has lost a child wants to hear their child's name. She wants to be reminded that other people remember her child too. It makes us feel less alone in our grief. And NO ONE should be alone in grief.

3.) A mother who has lost a child often blames herself even if the loss was completely out of her control. Even if she did everything "right" or to the best of her ability/ knowledge/strength at the time.

4.) A mother who has lost a child always misses him or her. Always.

5.) A mother who has lost a child CAN have happy memories of her child. It's okay for you to share a joyful memory with her if you have one, even if it is small.

6.) A mother who has lost a child has lost the person she was before that loss as well. Be patient as she grows in her new identity and learns who she is now.

7.) A mother who has lost a child and has other children doesn't want to hear that she should just be thankful for the children that she does have. (She is already MORE than thankful for them and understands better than most the miracle that life is.)

8.) A mother who has lost a child will never feel like her family is complete. (At least, not in this life.)

9.) A mother who has lost a child doesn't expect anyone to know what to say and sometimes it is better to simply listen and not say anything. After all, sometimes...

10.) A mother who has lost a child needs to be heard. A listening ear can make a HUGE difference.

11.) A mother who has lost a child needs to be allowed to grieve and mourn no matter how long it takes. No matter if the grief comes and goes for years and years to come.

12.) A mother who has lost a child needs your prayers.

13.) A mother who has lost a child is married to a father who has also lost a child. He deserves and needs your prayers and encouragement too. He works hard to be there for that mother. Believe me.

(photo credit: Christina Joy Photography)

14.) A mother who has lost a child and has also been blessed to have a rainbow baby (or two) is like an infertile mother who suffered from the grief and hardship of infertility and then has been blessed with children but is also still dealing with that infertility. She rejoices for the blessings but still mourns the inability to have children.

15.) A mother who has lost a child is not trying to replace that child when she has more children.

16.) A mother who has lost a child has a family who lost a sibling too. They remember that sibling. They talk about him or her often. Small things to lift the children's spirits could make a HUGE difference for that family.

17.) A mother who has lost a child needs compassion, no matter what kind of loss she has experienced.

18.) A mother who has lost a child to stillbirth bonded with her baby just like a mother who carries and gives birth to a living baby. Please don't discredit her loss by treating it like anything less.

19.) A mother who has lost a child would do almost ANYTHING to experience the things most women complain about while pregnant: nausea, hip aches, being large and uncomfortable. Be careful and consider this fact before you complain. Especially if the loss is fresh.

20.) A mother who has lost a child has also lost the future of that child. The memories, the moments, the Birthdays, the favorites, the hobbies, the pictures, the milestones.... Little things can break that mother apart sometimes.

21.) A mother who has lost a child appreciates the little things others do. Cards, notes, words, hugs, smiles,  prayers, flowers.... They may seem small to you. You may not even feel like you are helping. But, you are. Because...

22.) A mother who has lost a child needs a whole lot of LOVE.

I am so thankful for the Love that surrounds me.

It is Love that carries me through and it is Love that comforts the soul on the good days and the hard days.

(photo credit: Christina Joy Photography)

Birthdays, Traditions, and Anonymous Gifts

     Two of his Birthdays have passed since I regularly updated my blog. (I WILL CONTINUE to try and do better! God may just have plans for me as a blogger yet!) Two more years without our John Israel. And yes, grief is still a part of our lives. Grief is such a complicated thing and so very different from person to person, from family to family, and from culture to culture. There really is no right or wrong way to grieve, no real method for it either. I believe that grief itself is evidence that we were simply not made for death. We were not created with death as a part of the plan. And God never desired death. Death is NOT God's Will. It never was. Yet, here we find ourselves in a world plagued with death. And death itself is the symptom of sin. How I long for a perfect world. A world where there is no more death, no more pain, no more suffering, no more sin or hate or war. This is what our God promises to His true believers through the ransom of His Son, Jesus Christ. He gives us HOPE for a restored and perfect world. Without this hope, I am not sure where I would be now or how I would be able to get through some days. I am not sure how I would be able to carry on in joy or with true happiness in this life.

     Johnny and his sibling, Harvest, are now memorials in our hearts. They serve as reminders to us that the Lord is faithful in keeping His promises. He is gracious. Always. And we can trust in Him through ALL things.

This cross marked Johnny's gravesite for a long time. It was put there on his 3rd Birthday. It's being there was a reminder that OTHERS remember our Johnny with us! He was and is loved.

     Our family is blessed each year to remember Johnny on his birthday and give thanks for his existence. It has actually become a joyful event and tradition for us! For the past 4 years, we have baked a cake together, taken it to the cemetery to sing "Happy Birthday", prayed together and then eaten his cake before Mommy and Daddy each take our own quiet time to remember him. The children ask questions every year, the older ones say how much they miss him, but mostly they joyfully remember their brother who sleeps safely while we look forward to the day he will be restored to us again!

Ezra, Evelyn, and Eisley getting ready to bake with Mommy on Johnny's 3rd Birthday!

     

3 years of remembering him and missing him.

     His 3rd birthday was especially tough on me. It felt like I had forgotten how to grieve, like I was learning how to grieve in a whole new way. Our Rainbow Baby was with us, she was healthy! It felt almost selfish to still grieve Johnny's loss. But, every child is different, every life is unique and special and it is more than okay to miss a lost child while still cherishing your living ones.

     For Johnny's 4th Birthday, we planned our day to do as we had done every year before. This year was different for a couple reasons. First, Eliana was with us (our Double Rainbow) and second, shortly before his 4th birthday, we were contacted by a memorial company near his cemetery. They wanted to let us know that an anonymous person wanted to donate towards his memorial for us and that they would like us to come to the office to choose his headstone so they could begin laying the foundation for his memorial and begin the memorial order. What?! I cried and cried after getting off the phone with the woman who contacted me. I was shocked. Kris felt both blessed and humbled. It was difficult for him to accept such a gift. It was overwhelming for us both. When we met with the woman at the office, we were given full details of budget, options, etc. It exceeded our expectations. Kris and I cried right there in front of her. I wrote a note to the giver and left it with her to give to them on our behalf. What else could we do? The scriptures talk about giving in SECRET. I completely understood why through the receiving of this gift. I don't think we could have accepted such a gift any other way and by it coming to us like this, it felt fully like a gift from above. Receiving a gift is wonderful, but sometimes, it IS easier to be on the giving end than the receiving. God humbles us and loves on us through one another, if we let Him, both by spreading His Love and by accepting it. 

When we arrived at the cemetery that December day, this is what we were met with.

"By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." - John 13:35

     We had much to THANK God for on his 4th Birthday.

Him. Who he is in our heart. What he did and does to change our lives. What his life has done for others. The gift of his foundation being laid. The gift of his memorial in the works.

The flowers and the little reminders that others had been there too. The love that has been given to us by those who remember him. Our "Sunshine Children" and the completely precious blessings that they are.

Evelyn

Ezra

Our rainbows and the healing that their lives have brought to our hearts and home.

Eisley

Eliana

Each other. (How thankful I am that even through grief, our love remains strong.)

The promises that our Father has so freely given to us. The gift of being able to come before His throne in prayer through every time and season.

And all of our children being together that day.

All 6 of our children. A beautiful reminder that they will all be together one day.

Eliana Grace

Eliana's Story -

     Soon after we moved our family from the city to the country, we found out we were pregnant with our Eliana. They DO say, "New house, new baby." and in this case, "they" were right. Our family was very excited to welcome a new addition! This pregnancy proved easier than my pregnancy with Eisley, both physically and emotionally. Staying on top of my health was a BIG job as we learned of some health issues I had. I worked hard to take care of myself and my baby, and it was obviously helping. I felt better during her pregnancy than I had felt since my second pregnancy! We began planning a home birth. We wanted to be able to home birth again so badly and prayed for this throughout my pregnancy. I had missed out on the last weeks of pregnancy with both Johnny and Eisley. This time I was determined to make it full-term and prayed for a well-baked baby daily. As time during my pregnancy went, both me and baby looking healthy, we decided that we wanted to plan a "free" or unassisted birth. (Remember, I am a doula and know a good amount about birth.) We began planning and preparing for our free birth and I began preparing for the waterbirth I had never had. A few close friends blessed me with a Blessing Way and a Baby Sprinkle. Thy prayed for me, for our baby, for Kris. They encouraged me and helped my mind rid itself of any remaining fear. I finally was at a place where I was pregnant after loss and after a very complicated pregnancy and I was fully trusting in God to answer our prayers and to bless my pregnancy and my birth experience.

40 weeks! God is good!

     We reached 40 weeks, actually, we reached beyond 40 weeks and then our birth journey began!

            Labor began with mild cramps - the kind I wasn't sure would stick. It was a Saturday morning and I decided to let my husband, Kristopher rest for a while longer before waking and telling him. I did some cleaning around the house and it seemed that my contractions were lasting and growing in strength. I finally ended up waking him around 11:30. (We try to sleep in and rest on Saturdays as much as possible.) "Things are starting!" I exclaimed! I was over 42 weeks in my pregnancy now (Or so we thought. My dates were a bit off I am sure.) Either way we were READY! He began cleaning with me a little and started getting the birth pool set up for our planned home waterbirth. I TRIED to wash the dishes, but it would prove to quickly become hard for me to do anything other than focus on the task at hand and concentrate on relaxing through each contraction. We decided then to call our "birth team" since it would take everyone about an hour and a half to get to our home. He began making the calls and I found myself in and out of a hot shower and then on the birth ball in our living room, struggling to find my "zone". Kris came back inside after making calls and read some of my birth affirmations to me and layed them on the couch in front of me so I could have them near as he tried to continue with the birth pool. He wasn't really able to get anything done though since I kept needing his help with counter pressure on my back.

     Our older children cleaned up their bedroom and checked in on me from time to time. Our Evelyn offered counter pressure here and there and our Eisley went down for her afternoon nap in perfect timing for me to work harder. Relaxation was proving very difficult this time and I couldn't understand why! I was getting flustered with myself and kept trying to mentally remind myself to surrender, to breathe deep, to un-clench my fists, wiggle my toes.... I began acting like a doula to myself. Kris encouraged me and let me know that everyone would be arriving SOON. "Good!", I thought.

    A HUGE wave of "tired" swept over me and I left my spot on the ball to lay on my side over on our couch. Kris helped me try to get as comfortable as possible, using pillows. Then, just as soon as I had just a tiny moment to rest, I felt overwhelmingly nauseous. He or my daughter, Evelyn went and got a bowl for me. I gagged a little but didn't throw up and immediately, my water burst all over our couch. THAT is when I realized that relaxing was proving so difficult because I was a lot further along than I thought. I was in transition and our baby was coming SOON! Kris helped me to my feet and my energy seemed restored. I took my panties off, he cleaned up a bit and put chux pads on our carpet under my feet. Next thing I knew, my birth support was arriving (PERFECT timing!) and Evelyn and Ezra were excitedly greeting them with, "Mommy's water broke!"

            I returned onto the birth ball and labored a bit more before one of my team suggested I move to a different position where my hips could move and open more freely. Kris was again, trying to finish the task of getting the birth pool ready since I had other helpers and he could get away longer than 30 seconds. I knew moving would bring labor on further and I was reluctant, but I moved to a kneel beside our couch. Next contraction, she put her hand on my lower back and said, "Oh wow! Your baby is right there!" To which my mind responded, "I KNOW!" I was MAD that the pool wasn't ready. I wanted to be IN THE WATER NOW! And with the next contraction, I announced, "Tell Kris the baby is coming!" (So much for our planned waterbirth!) He came running into our living room and by this time, all 3 of our other children were sitting by the mantle watching, waiting for their new baby sibling. She was coming FAST. I couldn't relax or breathe. There would be no "gentle pushing" this time and there was nothing my mind or body could do to slow things down. I just had to accept that this time would be intense and pushing was different than the previous birth experiences I have had. I groaned and growled through her head being delivered. I heard the older children excitedly say they could see the baby and my husband asked if I wanted to tough her head. I shook my head "No." in response. Problem was, I couldn't gather my strength. Her head was only halfway delivered when my contraction stopped and I was praying for the next one to hurry up and trying to hang in there until it did! I reached down and touched my baby's head and my husband's hand all at once. ("Come ON contraction!")

     With one more contraction, the rest of her head and her body was born! Kris caught his daughter and my son announced, "It's a boy!" then quickly, the remark was corrected with multiple voices saying, "It's a girl!" I turned around to meet my baby. Kris placed her in my arms. She was beautiful. Different looking than my other newborns. I couldn't call her by name yet. We didn't have a girl name chosen! Oh no!

Seeing their new baby sister for the first time!

Eisley was a little less impressed, having been woken up from her nap and all.

Our Double Rainbow!

     I nursed our little girl almost immediately. She was READY with a strong latch. I sat on the floor of our living room, leaning against the couch with my baby and the whole room admired her with me. After the placenta came, I felt like I could relax. It was a short labor, but goodness, was I tired! The children played, my birth support cleaned and helped me get situated with my new baby girl in bed. We had to choose a name for her. We had our girl name down between 2 different names. So, we had a family meeting in the bedroom. Kris and I asked the children which they liked best and it was still split between us. So, we decided to let God name her. We prayed and flipped the rock from Eisley's journey and our girl was named Eliana (God has answered) Grace (Remember, John means 'God is gracious'.) It is PERFECT for her, for through her, God answered MANY of our prayers! 

    We are all thankful now that hers was NOT a waterbirth. Looking back, the Lord knew just what we all needed for healing. Her delivery was specifically healing for Kris. And her placenta was specifically healing for me. I had not seen Johnny's, I didn't see Eisley's. I knew that some of my health conditions directly affected placental development. Seeing hers, seeing how healthy it looked made me know all my hard work with diet, nutrition, and health was VERY worth it! That my body did a good job for our little one! It reminded me that God is FAITHFUL! 

Eliana's 'Tree of Life'

 Her birth was perfect and was very much an answer to our prayers, just like she is! She is our Homebirth rainbow, our double rainbow and she blesses us every day!

Eliana Grace - 1 Day Old!

Eisley Jean Hope

     Since I felt so torn during my pregnancy after loss between joy and fear, it is sometimes easy to focus on the hard things, the bad things, or the tough things that myself, or our family went through. I want to make a point simply to remember some of the joy that was brought to us during my pregnancy.
     The first of these that comes to mind is the moment that I first discovered that I was pregnant. Each pregnancy is so special in its own way, I had always been excited to confirm my pregnancies but words cannot explain how I felt in those moments of test-taking! I felt rushed with joy and relief. I don't think I have ever cried with such happiness and thanksgiving. I knew that our new baby would never replace our Johnny or our little Angel in heaven, but I believed wholeheartedly that a new baby would help my heart to heal, a new baby would fill my arms and the desire I felt for them to be filled.
     Another happy memory was how incredibly hungry I became in the first trimester. I was 9 weeks when I made Baked Potato Soup and ate 4 bowls in one sitting before eating a piece of pizza and 2 cinnamon sticks. This was my most epic eating splurge during the entire pregnancy. Hunger and cravings just wouldn't let up. A friend of mine surprised me with a sign that she hand-painted for our home. It reads: "Please FEED the MAMA Bear!" It still hangs in our kitchen.
     At 9 weeks, our family bought a second car. We had needed this for quite some time. Kris and I made shopping for our car a sort of date. Family watched the older children and we test-drove a few used vehicles before choosing one. And of course, on the way home, I was starving so we just HAD to stop for Chick-fil-A!
     During the tough times, the bedrest early on during my pregnancy, there was still good that came. Prayer was ceaseless. I know that I grew spiritually during these moments. I also saw the amazing love from God through family and friends bringing us dinners here and there, bringing me movies to watch, books to read, and coming to pray with me. I began working on crocheting a baby blanket. I normally have knitted, but wanted to try my hands at something a bit different. One granny square at a time, it began to come together until it was finally finished!

     I had begun my studies towards becoming a certified labor doula before my pregnancy.  My studies continued during my pregnancy and it was so exciting to be almost done! All I needed to do was to read one more book and write a book review. What better time to do so than during bedrest?! I also felt like the Lord spoke to me during my pregnancy, confirming the next direction to take. I knew then that should become a certified Stillbirth Bereavement Doula and then a Childbirth Educator. These are goals of mine that I am working towards still.
     I also spent a lot of time during pregnancy researching cloth diapering, babywearing, and made up my mind to set my goal for nursing a little longer this time and to look into Baby-led weaning more to help with this. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed for the first year. Learning new things made it feel almost like a first pregnancy. It helped me to build and stir excitement over nervousness.
     I also went to my Midwife's home for Raindrop Technique. Raindrop is a mix of vita-flex, massage, and reflexology with essential oils. It is very normal to have a release of emotions during Raindrop. As this was my first time having Raindrop done, I was nervous as to what sort of emotional release might come. What surprised me was that I did have a release, but the release I felt was pure joy. I laughed and smiled without worry or care of what tomorrow might bring. I rejoiced without being able to stop my laughter. It felt good and I praised God for this release and this moment that was fear-free.
   
     I have many memories during my pregnancy that were happy.  And I am SO thankful for these memories. They got me through the tough times. They were the parts of pregnancy I SO looked forward to!

     After losing our John Israel, I also miscarried. We were not even sure I COULD have another healthy pregnancy. I prayed a prayer of dedication over my womb and completely gave my womb to the Giver of Life. Soon after, I became pregnant with Eisley!

     We were so excited but still very nervous. Complications arose early in my pregnancy, I thought for sure that we had lost her and that I was miscarrying. I bled very heavily and experienced cramping. The combination of these two symptoms didn't look promising. It was still too early in the pregnancy to hear a heartbeat via fetascope or even doppler and since I decided not to risk an ultrasound, all we could do was pray and wait. I was on bedrest until the bleeding stopped. But soon, bleeding would return and I would be back on the couch for more bedrest. My emotions were everywhere during her pregnancy and the biggest mountain for me to overcome was my own fear. I began to learn what it means to fully trust in God and to place my hope in Him. When things began going smoothly again, I began to plan my third home birth. I wanted nothing more than a healthy baby and a positive, natural home birth experience! It finally seemed as though this would be possible for me and for my family again! But, at almost 32 weeks, things would change.

            I woke up in the morning and sat down to check my e-mail. When I walked into the kitchen to begin making breakfast, my water broke. A flood of terror rushed through me and all I could think was, "Not again." It felt like deja vu, like my journey with Johnny was starting all over again. My husband was working from home that day and rushed in when he heard me scream and break into tears. I could hardly tell him what was wrong when the water seeped through my pants and onto the floor for him to see. We both sat on the kitchen floor in tears crying out in prayer to the Lord. I called my Midwife but had forgotten she was on vacation in Florida. She told me to call my other Midwife to have her come listen to our baby, but we could not reach her. Everyone who could back her up and come to listen were either out of town too, or lived too far away to get there quickly. We needed to make sure our baby was not in distress and make sure that if he or she was, that we were able to do something quickly. We called my mom to come watch Evelyn and Ezra and then headed for the hospital. In triage, we listened to our baby's heartbeat for about 2 hours. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. She was alive and still doing well. They sent me home for more bedrest and gave me a list of things to watch out for. We borrowed a fetascope and listened to our little one about every half hour to an hour at home. 2 days later, my Midwife was back from vacation and checked on baby and me. She told me to call her in case of ANY changes and planned to come back to check on us days later. I had to take one day at a time but also needed to make new place for this birth. 2 weeks of bedrest meant more crochet time. I busied myself with making projects for our baby and my husband was so amazingly helpful during those 2 weeks, caring for me, for our older children, for our home, and all the while still working!

Booties and a Headband for the baby I wasn't even certain was a girl!

     Then I passed what I thought to be placental or uterine tissue. After calling my Midwife, we returned to the hospital at 4:00 am on Friday, August 9th with these new concerns.

            Our triage experience was less than positive to say the least. Because I was borderline 34 wks. at this time, all they wanted to do was induce my labor. They showed no concern for the changes in my fluid but were only concerned about my broken membranes. We were in triage for 12 hrs. and were never once respected as loving and intelligent parents. We monitored our baby and the heartbeat sounded strong and healthy. They could not understand why I did not want to induce labor. They threatened to send me home if I chose not to induce. Finally, after seeing about 6 doctors, we managed to work something out. I would stay at the hospital, accept antibiotics in case of infection, go through steroid shots to help our premature baby, have my temperature and blood pressure monitored, and have non-stress tests done morning and night. But first, they had to run an exam to verify that my water was indeed broken because they didn't believe me. When the test came back inconclusive, they would order a formal ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid. Finally, we were given a room and we were exhausted.

            Our plan was to continue bedrest at the hospital and only consider induction if there were signs of distress. I would be at the hospital for another week before there were any more changes. It was a hard time for us. Our family was in disarray. The older children stayed with my parents much of the time and visited me often. Kris, and I tried to process and plan for a premature baby born in the O.R. The nurses were wonderful, helpful and encouraging. The resident doctors were absolutely terrible. But thankfully, God provided us with a doctor specializing in high risk birth, Dr. McKenna. He was willing to work with us, respect us, and call the other docs "off our backs" for a while. The week in the hospital before her birth, was very stressful and felt like a prison. We spent much time in prayer and asked God for many signs along the way to let us know that we were in fact, making wise decisions for our baby's health. He is always faithful. He answered every prayer and provided us with signs and reminders that He was with us, that He is FAITHFUL. he cares for our family during the hospital stay and carried us through.

Here we are with one of our reminders. Kris was praying outside, asking the Lord for guidance. When he looked down and found this!

            We were faced with decision after decision. And for the most part, we chose to WAIT on the Lord. Then, a week later, things began to change. Her movement was different. Her heart-rate was different. I felt different. I experienced sharp, intense pain in my back without any signs of contractions. Then, I would pass more tissue. This time, I felt certain it was placental or uterine tissue which could only mean one thing - first stage placental abrupture. We then, decided to try natural induction using the breast-pump. It worked - too well. My contractions went from absolutely nothing to 1.5 minute-long contractions that were only about 30 seconds apart. And our baby did NOT like them. Her heart-rate went up to 185 for about 30 minutes. I laid on my side, breathed deeply, and finally, her heart-rate normalized. I felt certain that our baby wouldn't be able to handle Pitocin induced contractions since she couldn't take breast-stimulated ones. I thought for sure that our journey would end in an emergency c-section. I was ready for it and convinced that it was our only option. We literally prayed and flipped the rock (pictured above) to help us decide whether to try Pitocin or not. Again, He is always faithful! The decision to opt for Pitocin was made. She didn't like it at first either, and I had to lay down and breathe deep for a long time before she seemed to adjust to it. Labor was imminent now. And it would be TOUGH.

            By far, her labor pushed my limitations more than I had ever experienced before. The pain was severe. Pitocin was increased along the way and it would be at a level 16 before it would be time to push her out. I felt out of control and I think that was the worst of it. Kris said I looked as though I coped very well, but inside, I was in agony. Every time I felt like giving up though, there seemed to be something to help me get through it. My favorite nurse from Miami Valley Hospital came in and covered the nightly "lunch" hour for our nurse. I have built a relationship with her as I have practiced as a doula. It was refreshing to see her and hear her say, "You are doing so well!" I have never wanted an epidural so badly. But, as I am educated about epidural and its side-effects, I wanted to avoid it with every strength I had. I did.

             When I transitioned and started feeling" pushy" we called the doctor in to go to the OR. I was kneeling on the bed when they wheeled me from Labor and Delivery. I didn't want to go. I wanted to birth my baby on my own with my husband, just as I had done so many times before. I didn't want to call them in. But Kris was scared our baby could need immediate attention at NICU. I didn't want him to feel afraid or nervous. I needed him. But, as soon as they started wheeling me and telling me to lay down, I knew I shouldn't have told them she was coming. I should have just pushed her out in L&D on my own. I refused to lay down. The pain I was in was far too excruciating to think about obeying their demands. I just wanted to cope through, the best I could and have my baby.

            We arrived at the OR. The lights were blaring. There were about 12 people scrubbed to their elbows, watching me, just waiting to perform a cesarean if necessary. My husband was told to scrub up. all I could do was bury my face in my arm and pray. I talked to my baby and to my God and tried so hard to block everything else out. We had specifically requested for no men to be in the room. We were told previously that the head surgeon needed to be there but that he could stand behind a curtain unless he became needed. We requested that he do this. But, of course, like most everything else we had requested, he did not comply. My husband didn't stand for this. We had been disrespected enough. I heard him and the doc going back and forth. I heard Kris say, "Get HIM behind that curtain NOW." The doc replied with, "You realize I'm your only hope if there's an emergency right?" And then my Knight replied, "That's fine. But there is no emergency here. Just my wife birthing our baby." Finally, the doctor huffed, and presumably stepped behind the curtain. Then, the manager of the OR wanted to know how far I was dilated. My resident doctor had agreed not to check me. She said since this was my 4th baby, she trusted me when I said my baby was coming out. But, the manager put her under pressure. Then, about 4 people began arguing over whether or not I needed to be checked. My husband, God love him, tried to keep their hands far away from me. But the arguing was stressful and I was losing my calm and my control again. So I said, "Just check me!". Of course, I was dilated to a 10. And her response was "You can push now." Wow. Really? No kidding? Kris replied for me, "My wife will push when she is ready to." and just one or two contractions later, our baby crowned. And NO, I did not push. My body pushed for me. In front of this large audience of people, our baby was born. They didn't allow my husband to catch her. We tried to talk them into letting him catch her for days before her birth but they would not hear it.  It broke his heart and mine. But it hurt worse when the doctor didn't even do it and our baby just fell to the bed. But, our daughter was beautiful! She was alive! She was breathing! I almost got to meet her, then, all too fast, they clamped and cut her cord and took her away to the next room to check her over. Kris and I decided that he would stay with her once she was born, so off he went to watch over their procedures and our baby.

            My emotions and hormones were everywhere. All I wanted was my baby and my husband. I was left lying on the bed with an audience of strangers who just got full view of my vagina. Then the doc started tugging and pulling on the cord. It hurt but I didn't have the energy or the clarity to stop her. They took my placenta and I never got to see it. Then they pushed on my uterus and acted concerned about the amount of blood I had lost/was losing. Finally, a nurse wheeled me into the room where my family was. They began explaining her state and how she was doing. She did need to go to NICU since her breathing had gotten a little rocky. Kris and Eisley would go together and the nurse would take me back to Labor and Delivery.

            I was there for over 3 hours. They increased my Pitocin and wouldn't even tell me how high it was. I know it was at least double what it was during my labor. I was done with pain and asked for pain medication. Nothing worked. They wanted me to sleep, to eat, and to go to the bathroom before I was allowed to go see my baby, concerned about the amount of blood I lost. Needless to say, I needed the rest, but I couldn't rest. All I could think about was our baby. Thank goodness for my Mother in Law staying in the Labor and Delivery room with me! I don't know WHAT I would have gone through without her there. Finally, they got a wheel chair for me and took me down to see her. She was hooked up to a feeding tube, a ventilator, and was in the incubator. I couldn't hold her. I couldn't nurse her for 24 hours. All I could do was sit there helpless. I cried and cried. In front of everyone, in front of all the strangers at NICU.

Jaundice was just one bump we had while in NICU. We called her our "Glow Worm"

          Our journey in NICU and in the month following Eisley's birth was a tough one but we are SO very blessed to have her in our lives and so very blessed by God's faithfulness and His love through the tough times. The staff at the MVH NICU was such a blessing. The nurses and doctors there have such love for the babies that they help care for. She was only in NICU for 4 days. I was so tired, but stayed at the hospital and nursed her, pumped, bottle fed, and held her skin to skin as much as I possibly could during those 4 days. I even had a previous doula client who came and brought me lunch one day! When Eisley was given the okay to go home, I cried like a baby again. I called Kris (who was at home with Evelyn and Ezra) immediately to come and help us get HOME! And after some tests: hearing, car seat, etc. we were released.

Happy to be going home soon!

     Evelyn and Ezra didn't meet Eisley in NICU. We waited until we brought her home. They, like us, immediately fell in love with our girl - Eisley (Cheerful) Jean (God is Gracious; Also the feminine form of John and also her Grandma and Great-Grandmother's moddle names) Hope (Romans 5:3-5). Our Rainbow. Our miracle. And we were all so HAPPY that bedrest, hospital, and NICU stay das were behind us and that we could all be together.

     Our cheerful girl is 3 years old now and I am still in awe of the amazing blessing that she is to all of us! She is such a special little Rainbow after our storms! She is SO worth the struggle that we went through to get her here safely. I am so thankful for the faithful protection of our God that was over her during her journey to us! Sometimes I realize she never met Johnny or knew of him and that in this life, she won't. Sometimes that makes me sad. But she talks about "Baby Johnny" just like her siblings do. She talks about him as if she does know him, as if she knows just how special she is to us, and just how much we needed her spirit of cheerfulness and hope in our family.

     If I could tell someone who is pregnant after loss, just one thing, it would be this: Pregnancy after loss is not easy, even if you have a smooth, healthy pregnancy. But pregnancy after loss is SO VERY WORTH IT!
    

Our Rainbows

Blogging is harder than I thought it would be! Keeping up with my journey, trying to keep things in order, and playing catch-up with my story just hasn't worked out very well.

This is my story of learning to trust in the Lord in ALL THINGS. The big, the little, the difficult, and the easy. This story will never end, so long as I am alive. I called my blog 'For Mommy; For Johnny' because this is for me as it is for him. It is in memory of my son that I continue to talk about him, about miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, loss, and life after loss. But it is also in memory of him that I continue to work on a donation base as a birth doula. In memory of him that I cherish my living children all the more. In memory of him that I desire to LOVE to the best of my ability ever single day that I am alive.

When you lose someone you love, it affects who you are, what you do, what you think, what you say, the way you live. And I have come to realize over the years following our Johnny's death that this isn't a bad thing. God has the power to make all things work together for GOOD for them who love Him and are called to His purpose. It is choosing to believe, hope and trust in Him that is key. It is easy in our human nature to forget the amazing FAITHFULNESS of our Father. For me, Johnny is a stone. He reminds me that our God IS gracious, that He is faithful to keep all of His promises. H preserves His people. He does not desire death. Death is NOT His Will. And through His Son, Christ Jesus, the grave is defeated!

We now have two "Rainbow Babies" (two living children who came following the storms of loss.) TWO! God has been so good to us. Sharing their birth stories IS important to sharing the story of learning to trust in God. Sharing Eisley's story was HARD for me for a long time. I believe this is why I am so far behind with blogging. But today, I am posting to change all of that. Today, I begin sharing the birth stories of BOTH of our rainbows and how each of them have brought healing to my heart, my husband's heart, and to our family.

Eisley holding her baby sister!

Eliana and Eisley! Our Rainbows