Our Rainbows

Blogging is harder than I thought it would be! Keeping up with my journey, trying to keep things in order, and playing catch-up with my story just hasn't worked out very well.

This is my story of learning to trust in the Lord in ALL THINGS. The big, the little, the difficult, and the easy. This story will never end, so long as I am alive. I called my blog 'For Mommy; For Johnny' because this is for me as it is for him. It is in memory of my son that I continue to talk about him, about miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, loss, and life after loss. But it is also in memory of him that I continue to work on a donation base as a birth doula. In memory of him that I cherish my living children all the more. In memory of him that I desire to LOVE to the best of my ability ever single day that I am alive.

When you lose someone you love, it affects who you are, what you do, what you think, what you say, the way you live. And I have come to realize over the years following our Johnny's death that this isn't a bad thing. God has the power to make all things work together for GOOD for them who love Him and are called to His purpose. It is choosing to believe, hope and trust in Him that is key. It is easy in our human nature to forget the amazing FAITHFULNESS of our Father. For me, Johnny is a stone. He reminds me that our God IS gracious, that He is faithful to keep all of His promises. H preserves His people. He does not desire death. Death is NOT His Will. And through His Son, Christ Jesus, the grave is defeated!

We now have two "Rainbow Babies" (two living children who came following the storms of loss.) TWO! God has been so good to us. Sharing their birth stories IS important to sharing the story of learning to trust in God. Sharing Eisley's story was HARD for me for a long time. I believe this is why I am so far behind with blogging. But today, I am posting to change all of that. Today, I begin sharing the birth stories of BOTH of our rainbows and how each of them have brought healing to my heart, my husband's heart, and to our family.

Eisley holding her baby sister!

Eliana and Eisley! Our Rainbows

What Can Words Do?

Words....

Today I have decided to write about words. It seems like such a broad topic for sure. What do words have to do with stillbirth, with grief, with loss, with healing, with growth, or with pregnancy after loss?

Everything.

There is power in our words. Power to encourage. Power to uplift. Power to love. Power to witness. Power to tear down. Power to discourage. Power to hurt. Power to sin. Power of LIFE and power of DEATH.

And we take that power for granted every day.

Proverbs 18:21a - Death and life are in the power of the tongue.

     On the 10th of December, I attended a stillbirth to support a mother and a father I did not yet know. I was nervous and did not know how God would use me. I prayed I would be ready to offer the mother and father the love that they so needed. I prayed I was strong enough to be useful as a doula, as a stranger-turned-friend, and as another mother who has suffered loss. My presence alone seemed helpful to this mother. Loss moms have a very unique connection. But it was the words I spoke that the doctor took the time to notice and thank me for. Most of these words were not my own but straight from the Word of God.

        My husband and I attended the Memorial Service for their precious baby girl. During the service, there was time opened for anyone who wanted to say something in honor of their baby or in encouragement to them. After listening to the beautiful words spoken by their loved ones....I was terrified, trembling because I did not know what to say. How could I express all that was in my heart or give the right words to these hurting parents? I just could not ignore the tugging on my heart. My husband knew my turmoil and reminded me, "God will give you the words." I believe He did because I don't even remember what I said. Later, this mother would tell me that on their way home after the service, they decided the service felt complete after I spoke.

The paper lanterns released for a much loved baby girl.

     Over the past months since all of this, I have met another mother grieving the loss of her baby boy. I have seen first-hand how words spoken through social media have both helped and hindered her healing. It is my goal to be a help to women who have experienced such heartbreak. God forbid I ever hinder their road towards healing and life after loss. I pray for these mothers daily. I believe that my words, not just the words I speak directly to them, but the words I speak on their behalf, the words I speak in prayer for them, and the words I speak about them make a difference in their lives and hearts.

     One of these beautifully strong mothers is now expecting her own Rainbow Baby. She seemed nervous to tell others about her pregnancy, afraid that the words she would hear from her family or friends would not be positive ones, but fearful ones. And here I am, my Rainbow Baby is almost a year old and I am still struggling with the thought of another pregnancy announcement (which I would love by the way!) because of some of the fearful words spoken to me by my loved ones following her arrival:


"You just can't take any more."
"Your past two pregnancies have just been SO hard."
"NOW, I'm sure you feel fulfilled since you have a healthy baby again. 3 kids are enough."
"Please don't get pregnant again. I just worry about you so much!"

     Sometimes loss moms simply don't need to hear about the fears or worries of others, no matter how much we love them and don't want any more harm to come into their lives, it is CRUCIAL to speak words of a different breed. Loss moms deal with fear every day, they are already there. For me personally, it was first fear of another pregnancy, then fear of NOT getting pregnant, then fear of miscarriage, and then fear of another stillbirth.... It is up to OUR WORDS to help build them up, to help them to defeat their fears, to bring peace and to love. It's okay to keep our worries to ourselves. It's okay to simply state, "I am praying for you." or "I love you." And sometimes there may not be words that can be helpful, so it is okay to be quiet and LISTEN. Worry is not from God.

2 Timothy 1:7 - For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

     If our words do not help bring these things, then they are simply NOT from God. They are human, they are doubt, they are from a spirit very opposite from our Lord, they are not constructive to the mother who faces pregnancy after loss or the mother who grieves. If our heart is to love and help, it is important to step back, and to ask ourselves, "Are my words helping this person or causing them more fear?" If we can do this, we will offer more support to that mother than we may ever know. I want to simply encourage you and remind myself that our words matter. Our love for these hurting mothers should CAST OUT fear. Our words MUST reflect that mission. It doesn't mean that we should be naive and convince ourselves that nothing bad or negative could possibly happen. It means that even in the face of adversity or tribulation, we will hold fast to our faith, we will speak words that strengthen hearts, we will trust, we will hope.

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

     So today, in honor of hurting mothers everywhere, please take an opportunity to speak words of LIFE, of POWER, of LOVE, and of PEACE to even just one person. It could be a letter sent to someone you know who is struggling with fear or grief. It can be in an e-mail, over social media, a phone call, a text, or a simple word of encouragement given in person. I would feel so blessed if you would take this challenge and spread perfect love today and I would LOVE to hear about it!

Let's start this word revolution.

And my story of pregnancy after loss will continue soon. I promise.

My Story Continues....

     I have been struggling to continue posting and struggling to share more of my journey. Between finding time, finding the right words, and wondering if it was worth the effort, I gave blogging a rest for a while. Today, I was contacted by a reader. She is expecting her own Rainbow Baby and stated that God had used me yesterday as she read through my blog to help bring her peace. She requested that I continue writing.
     I cannot think of anything more motivating or any better purpose for this blog. I want my journey to encourage others and help strengthen hearts. Even just ONE heart is worth the effort it takes to write. So now, my story continues with the battle inside of me...
      When I look back on the rest of my pregnancy after loss, I see one dominant struggle: the battle between faith and fear. Through this constant battle, I learned to trust in the Lord to a whole new extreme. Now when I reflect on my journey, I see my character being stretched, I see God's faithfulness, I see just how much I loved my baby even though I was yet to hold her or meet her.
 
     I am a dreamer. I dream a lot even when I am not pregnant, but when I am pregnant, my dreams are more extreme, more meaningful, more real. While I was pregnant with our Johnny, I dreamed that he was born premature, I dreamed he was a boy (remember we always wait to find out our babies' gender at their birth.), I dreamed that there was something wrong with him and that he was considerably smaller than our first 2 children, I dreamed we named him John Israel and that I was insistent that he be called "Johnny". This dream became so real after we learned that he was dead at 36 weeks. Flashbacks of my dream came to me all at once and I knew that I needed to stop passing my dreams off as "just dreams" and pay more attention to them. I knew I needed to pray after such dreams. While I was pregnant with our new little one, the dreams came. In every dream about my baby, my baby was born premature. I paid attention to this and began asking my Midwife how early was too early to birth at home and what would we do in case of prematurity.

     At 28 weeks I wrote the following:

     "I am now 28 weeks along. Our baby is growing and moving more with each day. I feel so overwhelmed by such a mix of emotions lately. I am excited beyond words, just yesterday I cried tears of joy because I stopped and pondered the idea of having a baby to hold again. Beneath the excitement, there is this struggle between hope and fear. It is daily. I wish I could say that once I've made up my mind to fully trust in my God and to lay all fears aside that the struggle was somehow magically over and hope instantly wins. But, reality is that the struggle is continuous and I have to fight to keep hope not only alive but to keep the flame so kindled that it consumes my fears."

     Dreams continued. I dreamed that our baby was a girl and we named her Eisley. It was a name that wasn't even on our list but it stuck with me. I looked it up and discovered that it means "Cheerful". Eisley Hope became my new favorite girl name option and I didn't hesitate to begin trying to convince my husband. I wanted my baby's middle name to represent something special, Kris and I agreed that Hope was perfect if our baby was a girl and if it were a boy, we would use Freedom as his middle name. Hope and Freedom seemed to represent what our little one was bringing to us, what God was teaching us through our baby's existence. Hope that survives tribulations and Freedom from the fear that both my husband and I battled and would battle through the rest of my pregnancy and our baby's birth journey as well.

Pregnancy After Loss - The Bumps Begin

      I was about 13 weeks along with my new little gift of hope in March of 2013. The pregnancy was real and I could tell you that "No one ever wanted a baby so much." but this wouldn't be true would it? I am not alone in my pain and I am not alone in my desire for a baby. It was a Friday, the day Stage LeFters homeschool drama group rehearses. I was gathering up the children and all of our things so we could be at the theater on time in order for me to Direct. I remember being short-tempered, stressed, moody, and overwhelmed that morning without being able to control it. We made it to the parking lot and at the exact same moment that I stepped foot onto the pavement, I felt a gush of blood. My mother took our older children so they could stay at theater and a mother from our drama group drove me home as I called my husband. The bleeding continued as I sat in the passenger's seat and as I walked into my house. I barely made it to our bathroom since I was overwhelmed in tears. My husband heard me come through the door and met me in the bathroom. By then there was so much blood my leggings and skirt were soaked through. My husband held me and cried with me as we feared the worst. We prayed and he helped me get cleaned up and calmed down, then tucked me into our bed where I called my Midwife. We thought for certain that I would miscarry when the cramps began. I remember worrying over what everyone would say or think or how I would bring myself to announce our loss. We had announced our pregnancy and this time I would HAVE to tell everyone. Would we be burying yet another little one?  I cried out to God telling Him that I couldn't possibly bear another loss. My friend came over when she heard the news. She prayed with me and cried with me and I must admit, I didn't give her much reason to hope. Yet, she still encouraged me with scripture and reminded me of the power of our God and His amazing grace. I am truly blessed to have such a friend. Later, friends of ours (the mother who brought me home and her husband) came over to pray with us. We prayed for a miracle, we prayed for safety and for healing. We prayed that fear would have no place in my heart. As we prayed, fear began to leave my body and it felt like overwhelming surrender to God's will. I felt peace even through the hardship.
 
     In the following days, I continued to bleed and to rest. Bedrest is not an easy task with other children to care for. My mother helped, my husband's mother helped, and my husband, Kris, did many household chores he hadn't ever done on a regular basis before. He stepped up and tackled both his normal responsibilities and my normal responsibilities while I was down. He was truly a Superman! Things would look up and then go back down again when I began bleeding more just one week after the bleeding had stopped. I found myself on bedrest again. My hope hung on a thread. I fought my fears continually but felt hope begin to thrive and my health to improve with prayer, good diet, and all the things we could do to help our little miracle. Pregnancy went on and bedrest ceased for a time. I refused to eat unhealthy, I refused to pick up anything heavy or to do anything strenuous, I refused to allow stress to overwhelm me. I bonded with our baby. I would sit in the bath and talk to my baby about anything and everything. I would cry to our baby when I missed their brother. I would pray over my baby. As our baby grew, we felt kicks and would even poke at him or her to wake baby sometimes so we could feel his/her movements. We looked forward to learning our baby's sex and searched for the perfect names. I worried less every day and thanked God for our little one every night. I had regular prenatals with my Midwife. She offered physical support as well as emotional support as she knows first-hand that pregnancy after loss can be very difficult. My hopes for a healthy baby grew stronger in the following months. We planned a homebirth and looked forward to a water birth in our home. This was my first pregnancy where I felt completely thrilled about my weight gain and my stomach growing. I never felt an aversion towards my symptoms of pregnancy, instead I fully embraced them. I LOVED my baby bump, I loved everything about each moment and made up my mind to cherish all of the small things. I knew too well the value of this time.

     Still, in the back of my head, I dreaded the 36 wk. mark. I did not know how I would handle pregnancy at the stage when we lost our Johnny. I did not want to allow fear to win the struggle between fear and hope that I felt inside of me. I wanted the rest of my pregnancy to be positive, I wanted to fully trust in God, and I wanted nothing to interfere with this dream, not even my own dreams.

June 11, 2013 (26 weeks)

A Visitor From Heaven

      I thought I'd take a break from my story of pregnancy after loss to write about the things that are happening now, this is why the past couple of posts have not been what I expected they would be and why this one is not either.  I promise to return to my pregnancy story soon.  This past Sunday was my Johnny's 2nd Birthday. His birth feels to me like yesterday yet so long ago at the same time. My family and I planned to spend a quiet day together remembering our John Israel. In the morning, after eating breakfast, the kids and I baked a cake. I cried off and on throughout the day but was able to be joyful even in the midst of my grief. We baked and decorated his cake then we all went to the cemetery where we sang "Happy Birthday" blew out his candles and released 2 balloons with messages written to him. It was too cold to ask the kids to eat cake outside so we drove back home and ate lunch and his cake together. Evelyn and Ezra both said something to Johnny before we cut the cake. Our son Ezra - "I love you baby Johnny." Our daughter Evelyn - "I miss you baby John." It was precious. I had been praying about a way to honor my son at this time of year that he would be turning 2 and it seemed that on his Birthday, God would open a door that I did not expect to arrive so soon....

 

     I was contacted by multiple women concerning a mother who had learned of her baby's passing. She was almost 40 weeks gestation and she and her husband would soon face her child's stillbirth. I was introduced to her and spoke with her on the phone. Then, through the amazing works of God, I was asked to attend their stillbirth. Her story is not mine to share. It was not coincidence that this all happened on Johhny's Birthday and that I would be asked to support her in her stillbirth 2 days later. I have never felt someone's pain the way I have felt hers. I felt privileged and honored to be a part of her birth but nervous that I could not help her enough, nervous that I would not be ready for all of this. I  pray God used me and continues to do so. Her precious baby girl and my Johnny are being held in our Maker's arms, perfect, whole, wanting for nothing, teaching us all the meaning of "Hope"as they joyously wait to see their families again someday....

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
And now it's time to say
We trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And we're so glad you're there
We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

By: Twila Paris

Natalie grant held

The Heart Suffers Still - Almost 2 Years Since Johnny's Stillbirth

       As we head to the beginning of December again this year, it only gets harder.... 2 years doesn't seem all that long ago to me. 2 years ago I was 35 weeks pregnant, craving peanut butter and honey sandwiches, enjoying baby movements, drinking a ton of water, and chewing ice. 2 years ago we were planning for our baby's home birth, washing and folding all of our gender neutral baby clothes, setting up the bassinet in our bedroom, and still trying to choose a girl name, just in case! 2 years ago we didn't realize what trials the next week would bring or that we would have to say goodbye to our baby so soon. We were blissfully baby bonding, blissfully awaiting the arrival of our little one, anxious to learn our baby's sex, excited to give our baby a name and to meet him or her for the very first time. 

Our Family - November 26, 2011 - 34 weeks

      It's so difficult to grieve still when the world around you seems to forget. During the first year after our Johnny's stillbirth, our family and friends seemed to remember and recognize our loss. Now, 2 years from his death, people seem to be forgetting. I am learning to find peace with this. It seems selfish to ask to world to stop and recognize the existence of a soul they never even met. Yet still, I can't help but want those who know us and knew us when we lost our Johnny, to stop and take a minute to show us they remember and show us they are praying for us. 

     This year, just like last, we plan to spend his stillbirthday (December 8th) baking him a cake, dressing warm, and visiting the cemetery for a mini birthday party. Like last year, I will write him a letter and the kids want to make him a card. All I want is to spend the whole day remembering him, taking the time to grieve his loss, and thanking God for his existence. All I want is for people to respect that this is something we plan to do each year and that his stillbirthday is still and will always be important to us. The world around us may forget, the world around us may completely move on. We never will.