"I Want You Here" by Plumb

     This is such a beautiful song! I cry each time I hear it and sobbed the first time I did. Plumb managed to identify with my aching heart so perfectly. There is nothing quite as painful as losing  a child and sometimes it's okay to ask "Why?".

1 Year Since I Held Him

Blowing out his candle - December 8, 2012

     December came back around. It seemed like such a long year. It was all I could do to just get through it. I am thankful for my family and my friends who helped me to hang on to my joy even through the darkest days. Most of all I am thankful for Christ's comforting Love. I didn't want Johnny's Birthday to be a day when we all wore black and cried the whole day through, though I knew there would be tears. I wanted to make his Birthday something special for our family, just like it would be if he were still here with us. So his big brother and big sister helped me make him a Birthday cake and we took it to the cemetery as a family. We even sang Happy Birthday! And as always, we prayed together by where his body lays. Evelyn and Ezra each brought him little Birthday gifts to lay at his grave. After singing Happy Birthday, we blew out his candle and cut and ate the cake. Though it was December, it wasn't too cold, but soon, Kris and I decided to buckle the kids in their seats and take a minute alone together. Then we comforted one another the way we do each time we visit him. Part of me just couldn't believe it had already been a year, it could have just been the day before when I was giving birth to him... another part felt like it had been ages since I had held him next to me. I missed him every day that year and I have missed him every day since.

Too busy eating cake to smile!

     

Aching for a Baby - My Miscarriage

     Time passed, but my desire for a baby to hold did not. I went from being literally terrified of having another baby - to being willing to have another baby - to wanting to become pregnant again more than anything. It took time for my heart and mind to go through these changes. Aching for a baby was a completely separate feeling from aching for my Johnny. I knew nothing would ever replace him or fill the space in my heart that belongs to him. Still the ache grew and to my great disappointment, I would miscarry in September 2012.
    Words can't explain the way I felt after my miscarriage. I wasn't even sure I was pregnant when I experienced this "missed miscarriage". I am thankful I didn't know. Accepting the loss would have been so much more difficult if I had known I was expecting. So many thoughts and emotions would go through my head following our second loss. Why wouldn't God give me a baby? Why wouldn't my body sustain life? Would I ever be able to have another child? How long should I wait before trying to become pregnant again? Was it a boy or a girl? I felt like I had been slapped in the face by the cruelty of the world. I was angry that there are so many women like me who want a baby so badly who are unable to have one while so many women who become pregnant don't want their babies and choose to abort them. It seemed so unfair. I was grieving all over again.
     This grief felt different but it took me again to grieving over my Johnny. And now I was mourning over a baby I never met, never felt, never knew was there. I had to process everything all over again and try to continue through life as normal at the same time. I didn't want to tell many people, at the same time keeping it to myself was near impossible. The ache for a baby became a stabbing, searing pain. I wrestled with trying to figure things out and control things when what I should have been doing was letting everything go.
     One day, my husband and I talked and I cried to him telling him how much I wanted a baby but that I wasn't sure I COULD. Peace flooded over me when he told me that if I had a desire for another baby, we would have one even if we had to adopt. I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting himself into, "Adoption is expensive. It takes so much time, paperwork, commitment, and energy". He looked at me and reassured me, "That's alright. We will find a way if that is what it takes, if that is God's will." Finally, I gave up trying to control everything. I gave up worrying over everything. I decided to fully intrust my womb to God and put everything completely in His hands.

Johnny's Song

      Soon after Trust Birth Conference, my grief became easier to talk about and my fear of becoming pregnant again began to leave me. I moved on to a different phase of grief. I don't know how to label it or explain it, all I know is that my heart was moving on, but moving on with him inside of it. I was opening up to the idea  that having another baby someday would not be the same as trying to replace him. I didn't feel ready immediately but I began to let go of my fears. I sat in my dining room one morning, with my guitar, and began to write him a song. It was my way of telling him everything I wanted him to know and sharing his story with others. It was one way I was able to let go while still holding on.

For Johnny

My little Johnny

You sleep with Jesus tonight

Though I know

You're safe and warm

It's been so hard

To be alright

I prayed with you

And I sang to you

I carried you

When you were gone

I carried through

When hope was lost

Please know that I 

Will always remember you

Johnny your daddy

He sleeps beside me tonight

And each time 

I cry for you

He's there to 

Hold me tight

He prayed with you 

And he talked to you

He carried you

When you were gone

He carried through 

When hope was lost

Please know that he

Will always remember you

And I know

That His Love

Is the only thing holding me

And I know 

That His grace

Is the only thing that I need

His faithfulness is all I see

Cause' He carried you

Into the light

He carries you

And you're alive 

Please know that He 

Will always be there for you 

Please know that we

Will always remember you

(All Rights Reserved; 2012)