Aching for a Baby - My Miscarriage

     Time passed, but my desire for a baby to hold did not. I went from being literally terrified of having another baby - to being willing to have another baby - to wanting to become pregnant again more than anything. It took time for my heart and mind to go through these changes. Aching for a baby was a completely separate feeling from aching for my Johnny. I knew nothing would ever replace him or fill the space in my heart that belongs to him. Still the ache grew and to my great disappointment, I would miscarry in September 2012.
    Words can't explain the way I felt after my miscarriage. I wasn't even sure I was pregnant when I experienced this "missed miscarriage". I am thankful I didn't know. Accepting the loss would have been so much more difficult if I had known I was expecting. So many thoughts and emotions would go through my head following our second loss. Why wouldn't God give me a baby? Why wouldn't my body sustain life? Would I ever be able to have another child? How long should I wait before trying to become pregnant again? Was it a boy or a girl? I felt like I had been slapped in the face by the cruelty of the world. I was angry that there are so many women like me who want a baby so badly who are unable to have one while so many women who become pregnant don't want their babies and choose to abort them. It seemed so unfair. I was grieving all over again.
     This grief felt different but it took me again to grieving over my Johnny. And now I was mourning over a baby I never met, never felt, never knew was there. I had to process everything all over again and try to continue through life as normal at the same time. I didn't want to tell many people, at the same time keeping it to myself was near impossible. The ache for a baby became a stabbing, searing pain. I wrestled with trying to figure things out and control things when what I should have been doing was letting everything go.
     One day, my husband and I talked and I cried to him telling him how much I wanted a baby but that I wasn't sure I COULD. Peace flooded over me when he told me that if I had a desire for another baby, we would have one even if we had to adopt. I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting himself into, "Adoption is expensive. It takes so much time, paperwork, commitment, and energy". He looked at me and reassured me, "That's alright. We will find a way if that is what it takes, if that is God's will." Finally, I gave up trying to control everything. I gave up worrying over everything. I decided to fully intrust my womb to God and put everything completely in His hands.