For Mommy; For Johnny

     As I mentioned in my last post, soon after losing my Johnny, I began writing a list of goals and aspirations for both myself and for him as well. These were things I wanted to do for me and things I wanted to do in his honor. They ranged from the silliest little things, or the easiest things, to large goals that I have not yet fulfilled. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed WORTH DOING.

Here is a peek at a few of these goals:

For Mommy -

Attend Trust Birth Conference 2012 in Nashville, TN
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Get my nose pierced
Exercise and set physical goals
Focus on spending time with my children and becoming a better mother
Record my music

For Johnny -

Donate my breastmilk
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Learn and memorize 'It is Well with my Soul'
Frame and hang "It is Well' sheet music in our home
Frame and hang his photos in our home
Scrapbook his story
DO something to make a difference to other loss families!

     And so my journey of accomplishing these goals began.... The first of these would be attending Trust Birth Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. And what an incredibly perfect goal it turned out to be. My midwives had told me about this conference soon after Johnny's stillbirth, but I wasn't sure how our finances would look by April and I knew that our theater group would need me in April as this was performance time for the musical Annie. It slipped out of my mind, then for some reason, it came back in and made it to my list. I spoke with all of the mothers of the drama group and asked them their thoughts on my not being in town during the first weekend of performances. They all agreed that this was something special that I should do. I was able to get a ticket from another mother in my area who wasn't able to make it to the conference. I chose and signed up for the classes I wanted to take while I was there and began planning my week-long stay away from home. My sister and her family live in the Nashville area so I was also excited to be able to see them during my stay. Everything came together perfectly and I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I didn't know exactly what to expect and this would be the longest I had ever been away from Kristopher and the kids. He assured me that they would manage and that he was supportive of my going. Before I would go, we would visit Johnny's grave as a family. It was Easter Sunday.

4-9-2012
     Yesterday, my Johnny would have been 4 months old. It still feels like yesterday. It was also Easter yesterday and we spent it with our family. Kris and I took Evelyn and Ezra to the cemetery. What an incredibly powerful day to go visit our son's grave - the day when we remember how our God's Son defeated death and the grave! The knowledge that He will someday do the same for our son and his grave is a wonderful promise to have! It has been a very personal way to teach our children about God's Love. I leave for Nashville tomorrow and I am so excited to go to Trust Birth Conference and to see my sister and her family! I pray that each class I take this week speaks to me in such amazing ways and that I go home knowing so much more than I do now and feeling confident in what path it is that God wants me to take from here.

Beginning my Journey of Grief

     In the months following the death of my Johnny, my family and I went on a journey. The journey called Life After Loss. If you have ever lost a loved one, you can more than likely relate to this. My journey was, of course, unique to my husband's journey, and the journeys of those around us. For me, I can honestly say, I am still journeying. When I look at all that I have gone through, all I have learned in the past year and a half, I can only thank my God for His faithfulness. I have literally been changed by my son's life and loss.
    In the first months my emotions were hard for even me to understand. I tried to get back to living, taking care of my children and starting back to directing theater and all the other things I do. Anything normal seemed therapeutic in a sense, but it didn't take away any of the pain. Instead, after my day of normal work and routine was through and the house got quiet, I would cry and cry some more. Most nights, I cried myself to sleep and my husband would hold me, pray with me, or cry with me.
     I hated my belly. Having an un-toned  tummy was just a reminder that I had no baby to show for it. I felt as though I was being judged and watched by everyone around me. Like people would see my leftover baby weight and wonder where my baby was or why it was still there when my youngest was already 2.
     I wanted to talk about him all of the time, but was scared of what others might think. How would people react when I talked about my dead son? I didn't want pity or "I'm sorry's"  just acknowledgement that he existed. I didn't even know why I wanted this from everyone.
     I wanted to do things for him and for myself. I began writing a list of goals - the things I wanted to do for him and things I wanted to do just for me, then I began doing them. It felt good to begin setting and fulfilling goals even if they were little things.
     I was terrified of getting pregnant again. My husband and I had always held tight to the view that children are a blessing. Since we had first been married, we decided to give God control over my womb. But for the first time, I did not want to give God that control.  For the first time I felt like I was justified in this. For the first time the idea of  preventing children appealed to me.
     My husband was so patient with me. He tried to encourage me but waited for me to get through whatever this was as well. He held tight still to the truth that every child is a gift and that it was wrong for us to want to prevent a gift, but he didn't push me and respected me. I know he was afraid of losing another child or even facing a pregnancy or birth again after Johnny's, but his belief that God is the giver of life and that life is a gift outweighed his fears even in the beginning of his grieving.
     I didn't want just a baby, I only wanted MY JOHNNY, MY BABY. There were days when everything inside of me screamed and ached for him alone. I couldn't imagine having another baby, wouldn't that be like trying to replace him? How would he know that I will always remember him if I had another baby so soon? How would I know that I would always remember him?
     I didn't know HOW to grieve. I spoke with a few women that I knew personally that had suffered a stillbirth or lost a baby as an infant. Their words were comforting. Knowing that these women had been where I was made me feel less crazy. I looked into the 5 steps of grief. These only confused me more. Some days I would feel like I had moved into the next stage of grief, only to feel that I had slipped back a step or two the following day! I  felt as though since I couldn't follow these 5 steps of grief, that I was doing it all wrong. My husband, Kris, reminded me that everyone grieves differently and that he felt the same way sometimes. I left these steps behind. It was so much less confusing. I decided to grieve in my own way, one day at a time.

A Few Jounral Entries

2 Corinthians 12:9 - My grace is sufficient for thee for my strength is made perfect in your weakness.

12/21/2011

God,
     It's almost been 2 weeks since I birthed our son Johnny. I know you have been our strength, our comforter, our helper. I can feel your love and grace surrounding us. Still, I hurt so much and I just don't understand. Please draw us closer to You. Please use our son's short life to Your glory. Please better me. Take care of him and tell him how much we love and miss him. Tell him we will never forget him.

12/31/2011

God,
      It amazes me how so much good can come from something so bad. Our son WAS CALLED according to your purpose. His life is drawing us to You. In his memory I have been able to donate my breastmilk to another baby and mother in need. Please continue to show us good things. Use me, help me to make Johnny proud. Help me make your Son proud.

1/1/2012

God,
     You give and you take away, Your will be done. I trust in You. You know better than I. Yet this void hurts to my core - the hollow feeling each time I think of him, the way my mind is in chaos, the feeling in the back of my throat each time I fight the urge to cry - they are all reminders that he is not here. I know he is with You, I thank you for that comfort and that gift. I miss the things I will never do with him. I never got to nurse him and never will. My arms will never hold him again. I will never tuck him in at night or make sure he stays warm. I will never journal his first words or hear his voice. I will never watch him grow, to learn to crawl or take his first steps. I will never watch him play in the bathtub or rub his feet at night. Give me strength to cherish the time I had with him and the grace to let go of the time I can't. Remind me each day that though he is gone for now, a day will come when I can be with him. Thank you for answering my call, for reassuring me that I will have the chance to raise him, that my baby is preserved for me with You.
     God, if I could talk with him now, I would  tell him that I love him, I would tell him that I'm sorry, I would tell him that I tried, I would tell him that I will always think of him and remember him, I would tell him that I will hold him again. Please tell him these things for me. When we are finally reunited, I know that he will know me and I, him. What a joyful day that will be. Maybe then I will finally understand. I need your grace, I need your love to help me through. Send angels to me still. I praise you for your presence during his birth. I know that you were with me. I know you're with me still.

     I want to talk about him freely without worrying about what others think. 

 

The Days that Followed

     Psalm 55:22 - Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

     How can I describe the days that followed the stillbirth of my son? There is so much I could tell you. In the first days it was all I could do to get out of bed and continue through life. My daughter, Evelyn, and my son, Ezra, were lifesavers during this time. They gave my husband and I something to live for and something to make life seem somewhat normal. I can't imagine going through something like this without already having little blessings. The kids seemed to understand a lot more than I expected. Each time I would cry they would ask if I missed "Baby John". They would comfort me. How humbling it was to be the mother and yet to have my children help take care of me. My husband had a hard time returning to work. His mind was on me and his family. He had difficulty focusing and concentrating while away from us and in his line of work, his brain is a much needed tool. I hated him being gone too. Finally, he asked for more time off and told the company that if they needed to replace him in order to meet deadlines, he would understand. Weeks later, he would be jobless.
     Families from the theater group I direct brought us dinners. It was one less thing to worry about and we ate like Kings and Queens in the days following. I pumped and donated my milk to a mother and baby in our area that were in need. It was comforting to me that there was a baby benefiting from my milk. I prayed continually, looked to the scriptures, and learned so much about my God in those dark days. My main prayers were for comfort, for strength, and that someday God would use this painful experience, that He would use me for something wonderful. I remember praying out loud so often after John's death "Use me, God. Please just use me." . I prayed for my husband. I did not know how else to support Kris at first. My fear was that I would become angry with God or that I would shut Him or my husband out. He made anger impossible. Each time I opened my Bible, He would lead me to exactly what I needed to read. My friend, Rebecca, gave me a Bible that she pre-highlighted for me. The Bible had highlighted passages about God's grace (John means God is Gracious) and the promise that God will preserve His people (Israel means God Preserves). She also highlighted areas that she thought would help bring me comfort, and they did. I was thirsty for God's grace and for His comfort. He never failed me. 
    I remember how much more personal and more real Christ's death became to me. I still cry when I think of God's Love for us - so much Love that He would sacrifice His only Son for us. His Son suffered in death, mine did not. My baby only knew bliss and comfort. He was in my womb, safe with his Mother for all of his short life on earth. He heard his Daddy's voice, and the voices of his siblings. He knew only love and knew no pain. My heart suddenly began thanking my God for his Son all over again. My selfishness could not understand how He was so willing to give His child up when all I wanted was my child back. Simple, God IS Love and I am human.

Romans 8:31-32 - What shall we say then to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 

 

    I began to think of Mary. What a wonderful example we have in her. Not just that she willingly carried our Savior and birthed him, not in the comfort of her home, not in a hospital or birthing center, but in a barn away from everything she knew. She was willing to face the judgements of everyone around her for her pregnancy, she understood that He belonged to God. She was willing to let him go and let him put himself in danger to minister on behalf of His Father. She knew the prophesies, that he would be killed, and yet she never tried to stop Him from His calling. She stayed by his side when they tortured him and beat him. She watched him breathe his last breath. And in her heart she knew He would live again. I decided that if I could learn to be one half of the Mother that Mary was, I would not have failed in Motherhood. I wanted to keep fighting to be there for the children I already had and to learn to accept in grace the loss of my son.
     I remember sitting on our love seat one day filled with grief and full of pain. I cried out to God and wondered if He truly cared about my sorrow when I knew that John was safe and that he was in Heaven, when I should be comforted just by these thoughts and the promise that we would be united with him again someday. I still felt heartache. I questioned "Why?" so often. Was this sin? Did God hear me, did He want to comfort me? I opened my Bible that afternoon while my Evelyn and my Ezra took naps and I began to read the story of Lazarus. And in the midst of such a miraculous and awesome story, one thing spoke to me more than anything. Just before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, he looked around to see all the Jews mourning over the loss of their friend and it says simply that "Jesus wept". I was so amazed by this. Why would he weep if he knew he would bring Lazarus back to life in the very next verse? Then I realized that perhaps he wept because he could feel their pain. He cared for each and everyone who loved Lazarus, he wanted to take the time to grieve with them and to comfort them. I closed my Bible and I cried again, this time because I knew that God cared. From then on, each time I have cried and felt sorrow, I have known that Christ has been there beside me crying as well. Not because he misses John too, but because he feels my heartbreak.
     My fear of grief coming between my husband and I was proven to be absurd. My husband and I looked to one another for comfort and strength often in the days following the loss of our Johnny. If we could get through his death, his birth, and his burial together, then why would we give up then? Together we aimed to place our trust in God and looked for Him to get us through the hardships that followed, even the loss of a job. We prayed that God would bless our family and get us through the storm. We prayed that God would bring good from all our trials. The road would still be a difficult one but we held on to hope and decided to continue to hold on to it for as long as it took our hearts to mend even a little.

Romans 8:24-25 - For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

 

    

It Is Well (With my Soul)

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

(Refrain) It is well (it is well),
with my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

(Refrain)

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

(Refrain)

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

(Refrain)
And Lord haste the day, when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

(Refrain) It is well (it is well),
with my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul.

   If you have not read or heard the story behind this hymn, it is one of the most profound and powerful stories I have ever heard. You can learn about it here -  http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/11/01/the-true-story-behind-the-hymn-it-is-well-with-my-soul/

Remembering Johnny's Funeral Service

 Psalm 22:10 - I was cast upon Thee from the womb: thou art my God from my Mother's belly.

Colossians 3:4 - When Christ who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 

     After coming home from the hospital, it was such a blessing to hug and love on the two children we already had! I rested that day on our couch, crying often, looking at the one picture of him I had on our camera (above), and wishing I could have my baby with me until the funeral. With every tear, my son, Ezra, would come comfort me, stroking my arm and asking if I needed a tissue. My husband, Kris, immediately began planning the funeral service. In order to leave the hospital, we had to tell them what funeral home we were working with and in addition to that pressure, we knew we did not want too much time to pass before we layed him to rest. I had out-of-state family that were coming to support us and wanted to be at the funeral. His services would be held just 2 days following his birth. It was so much for my husband to bear. His best friend, John, (yes he is who our son was named after) and my Grandfather helped him with phone calls and supported him through the process. Kris and I discussed what we wanted for the services, and it was the hardest, yet easiest thing we have ever had to plan. It was hard because the realization that he was truly gone and was not coming back was setting in. It was hard because we had never in our wildest nightmares imagined we would need to plan a funeral for one of our children. It was hard because we wanted our baby to be with us, healthy and whole. What came easy was that both my husband and I had the same hopes for his funeral. We hoped all those around us would see a miracle through his life and we hoped that no one, not us, not our family, not our friends, would become angry with God. We chose to bury him at Bellbrook Cemetery next to my Great-Grandfather and just above my Grandfather's reserved lot. The funeral home was such a blessing to work with. We chose Bible verses that we wanted read and I asked my parents to sing "It Is Well" during the service. It was such a fitting hymn (my favorite), not just because of the story behind the song but also because it was sung during his birth and brought me comfort as I gave birth to him. Kris and his friend John went out and Kris bought a new suit for himself and a dress and boots for me. We chose the things we wanted our baby to be buried with. To me that was the toughest thing we had to do.
     I woke up the morning of the funeral and hated the sight of his empty cradle beside our bed and the baskets of freshly washed baby clothes that I had prepared in my pregnant-nesting stages. On top of everything, my milk came in that morning and I had to begin pumping to relieve my full breasts. This was especially difficult to face as I wanted nothing more than to nurse my baby. So many of our family and friends came to the cemetery on that cold December day to be there for us. Kris' best friend met us at our home and drove out with us to make sure we got there safe. We arrived. My feet hit the as-fault and it sunk in what that Sunday was all about. Immediately my eyes welled with tears and I didn't think I had the strength to be there or to keep my feet and legs strong beneath me. But Kris was beside me and the faces of people who loved us enabled me to move forward. When we turned into the tent, the sight of his little white coffin was heartbreaking. I have never seen one so small. We sat together as a family during the service. The minister did such a wonderful job including everything we had asked him to. My parents made it through It is Well perfectly. At the closing, everyone waited in the cold to hug us before they left. many of them took Birth Announcements I had made that included that same wonderful picture that I cherished so much. I have never received so many hugs in one day! It was therapeutic. There was no doubt in our minds that we were loved and that people were praying for us. My grandparents drove in from Georgia to be there and picked up my sister from Tennessee along the way.just knowing so many people felt that is was so important to be there was comforting.
     When everyone was leaving, Kris and I stayed to watch his casket be lowered and covered. We prayed together and said our final "Goodbye"s. I thought what I would feel in those moments would be torture and anguish, but instead I felt peace overcome me just as it had overcome me during his birth. I know there were angels beside us that day and in all the days surrounding his loss.
     After the funeral, my sisters planned a luncheon at my sister, Cristy's, home. She had been there for me through the labor and decided that she wanted to do something special for us. My sister, Jennifer, helped her with preparations after she had gotten in town from TN and the two of them outdid themselves. Cristy rented tables and chairs, they cooked so much food, and decorated every table in baby blue. There were baby blue roses at every table and today if you were to walk into my sister's house, you would still see a bouquet of blue roses displayed in her foyer. I smile now every time I see them. We sat, surrounded by love, as we ate our lunch that afternoon. I even held a baby that day, not my own, but a little girl named "Laynie" who holds a special space in my heart. She was the first birth I assisted at. I was about 16 wks. pregnant with my Johnny when she was born at home. It was so wonderful to have a connection to a baby that day no matter how much my heart yearned for my Johnny.

     James 1:3-4 - The trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Johnny's Birth Story

 Romans 5:3-4 - We glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.

       Both of my first two birth experiences were special, each in their own unique ways and I will always cherish their memories. There is nothing I would change about either of my home birth experiences! (You can read about them in my previous post.) My third birth was an experience I will never forget... full of pain and sorrow, yet full of peace. Our third child, John Israel Collier, was born still. He was taken to Heaven before I ever held him in my arms. His life, though short, was a special life, one that glorified God to all those around us. I remember when the nightmare began. I was 36 weeks along and my water broke late on a Monday night. We were planning our third home birth, and were so excited through the pregnancy since it would be our first home birth in our new house. I was concerned since I believed it was too early, but I tried to be positive and went to bed that night thinking I would need my rest for the next day. No contractions started though, not even with the dawn of a new day. On Tuesday morning, I called my Midwife and consulted with her about all my concerns. She came that morning to check on the baby and I and to help in whatever way she could. We listened for his heartbeat but couldn't find one, so we waited while I ate breakfast, drank some apple juice, and walked around the house. Then we listened again. It was when I saw the look of complete concern overcome her face that I realized I couldn't clearly recall the last time our baby had moved. We prayed together, called my parents and called another Midwife in our area (the same one that had assisted at Ezra's birth), then listened again. Nothing. We then decided to go to the hospital for an ultrasound.
     I was so nervous, but already felt in my heart that it was too late. Still the words hurt so bad when the doctor verified our fears by telling us, “I'm sorry but the ultrasound shows that there is no heartbeat.” Kris and I cried together, we were confused and hurt. They wanted to admit me right then and induce my labor. But, I needed time. I chose to go home. I was terrified to give birth to him knowing that he was now dead. I didn't believe I could do it. But, I prayed that God would give me strength, that he would help me to do this, and that the birth could be the best experience it could be under such circumstances. After going home, we ate. I did all I knew to try to aid my body to start laboring naturally. Later, I went to my local Chiropractor for an adjustment, hoping it might help. When Kris and I came home from her office, I was so exhausted and decided to sleep. That night I had very mild cramps. I was so relieved. I thought this meant I would be in active labor by morning and could still birth our child naturally. But by morning, my contractions had stopped. I decided we should try going out and walking for a while. We took Evelyn and Ezra to my parents' house and so many people in my family were calling, telling us or my parents what they thought we should do and how we should do it. It was so stressful and overwhelming. It was too much. I had to decide how long I should give my body, how long to wait before deciding to go to the hospital to be induced. I wanted so badly to labor naturally, but thought I didn't have much time before risking infection. Did I still want to have him at home? Would that be to painful a memory? Should I try to go into labor naturally and have a hospital birth? It felt like so much pressure, especially when I was scared to death to birth our son and I was already mourning his loss. I was in a state of shock. We went to get some homeopathic medicines that we hoped could help induce my labor and went home. I feel like those couple of days were the longest days of my life. After praying together that whole day, my husband and I went to the Hospital at about 6:00 pm on Wednesday to be induced and birth our son. I can't tell you why I made this decision, only that I felt convinced this would be the best thing for me.

Psalm 56: 3-4 - What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee. In God I will praise His Word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me

Deuteronomy 31:8 -And the Lord, He it is that doth go before thee, He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed. 

 

"Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest."

Philippeans 4:13 - I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.

    My parents, Kris' parents, my Midwives and so many others came and stayed through the labor. My Midwives had switched their roles and came to be there and support me in whatever way they could, they came as my friends, and fulfilled the roles of doula and photographer. Everyone wanted to be there for us and the waiting room was full of people who cared for us. It was my first Hospital birth experience and I was scared. I knew they would stick me with needles and I had no idea who would be my nurses or who would be my doctor. I had no idea how different Pitocin induced contractions would be, since I had never experienced them. There were already many praying for us and even with all the fears, God gave us strength to get through. It was the most beautiful still birth I could have imagined, and unlike any other Hospital birth I have ever heard of or seen. Yes, I hated the needles. I hated them running all their tests and taking so much blood. I hated the IV, I hated the smell, I hated that I felt like a guest under their mercy and not the queen of the hour. But, I loved the birth ball, Kris loved the kneeling pad, I was grateful that the staff was very respectful of my wishes, I loved having the support I had in the room and from the waiting room, and I feel like I did need the Pitocin this time and I was where I needed to be to birth my son. All of our prayers were answered and I know that God sent angels to be there beside us. We used the birth cards I had made when I was pregnant with Evelyn and with Ezra. Hearing God's precious words  made me feel as though He was comforting me through. It wasn't until my mother, sister, and my Midwives began singing hymns that I felt the fear begin to leave my mind. They sang my favorite hymn, It is Well with My Soul, and I felt ready.

Psalm 46: 1-2a - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear. 

Psalm 18:6a - In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple.

    I was finally ready to meet our son, to hold him for the first and last time. I remember Kris telling me while I was laboring that our son was watching me give birth to him from Heaven. How amazing that thought was to me. I remembered that just like my first two births, this was something only I could do. I knew God had appointed this duty to me and He would not give me more than I could bear. I prayed out loud as I transitioned, telling God I was finally ready, and that I wanted to meet my baby. Almost immediately,  I felt the urge to push and our son began to leave my body. I told Kris he was coming and Kris took his ready position behind me with such strength and bravery, ready to catch our son. I was kneeling, leaning on the birth ball. I felt as though I was kneeling before God, as I was praying the entire time. My Dad was now in the room beside my Mom since I had asked for him to come in. He took Kris' old position, in front of me, holding one of my hands. I know my parents were praying. I was never alone and the room was filled with love and with God's spirit. All at once, Johnny left my body. Kris caught him and I eagerly turned to hold him. My heart broke as I wept over our son's body. But past his bruises he looked so peaceful, he looked so perfect. The doctor and nurses weren't even in the room for his delivery. It was a quiet birth in a hospital setting, something I had never imagined. It was perfect.

 Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted

   Kris and I cried together. I was helped into the bed and Kris placed Johnny in my arms again. He was so handsome and resembled our other babies in so many ways. Kris went to tell everyone in the waiting room that he had come and that I was okay. The bravery and support he showed through the labor and stillbirth of our son is indescribable. The doctor and nurses came to help me birth his placenta, get cleaned up, and check on me. I held my Johnny and we spent about 5 hours with him. He was born on  Dec. 8, 2011 at 2:06 am. He weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. and was 20 inches long. His cheeks were still chubby though he was much smaller than his sister and brother. His cheeks, nose and lips were perfect. He was fragile and so beautiful. Our daughter, Evelyn, now four, came to the hospital to meet him at around 6:00 am. She had cried as she asked me the night before if she could see the baby. We decided that we should not deprive her of meeting her baby brother when she had asked to. It would be months later when she would tell us that she remembers her baby brother and thank us for letting her meet him. Those 5 hours went too fast. I was tired. I  didn't want to let him go. The doctor had been asking us to let her know when we were ready. Though I wanted to hold him forever, I felt that we should not hold onto his body too long, believing his spirit was already preserved in Heaven. I sang a lullaby to him and prayed over him before I told Kris I was ready to say “Goodbye”. Kris sang to him and talked with him before he felt ready to part. Our family prayed a prayer of dedication and we called the doctor in to take him. It was the last time I would see my baby.

 "Just as sure as I'm sure there's a Heaven, this was meant to be. No road is too long as long as you belong to me." 

    The cause of our baby's passing is still not known for sure. We did not know his sex until the ultrasound, and it was then that we gave him his name – John Israel Collier, which means “God is gracious; God preserves”. The perfect name. We decided the day of the ultrasound that we did not want an autopsy done. Our faith and trust in God told us that God did what was best for our son and for us, even if we do not fully understand why. My comfort is found in my faith that we will see our son again and he will be perfect and whole. Someday I will hold my baby again and we will raise him in a perfect world.

Psalm 31:24 - Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. 

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in His Word do I hope.