"I Want You Here" by Plumb

     This is such a beautiful song! I cry each time I hear it and sobbed the first time I did. Plumb managed to identify with my aching heart so perfectly. There is nothing quite as painful as losing  a child and sometimes it's okay to ask "Why?".

1 Year Since I Held Him

Blowing out his candle - December 8, 2012

     December came back around. It seemed like such a long year. It was all I could do to just get through it. I am thankful for my family and my friends who helped me to hang on to my joy even through the darkest days. Most of all I am thankful for Christ's comforting Love. I didn't want Johnny's Birthday to be a day when we all wore black and cried the whole day through, though I knew there would be tears. I wanted to make his Birthday something special for our family, just like it would be if he were still here with us. So his big brother and big sister helped me make him a Birthday cake and we took it to the cemetery as a family. We even sang Happy Birthday! And as always, we prayed together by where his body lays. Evelyn and Ezra each brought him little Birthday gifts to lay at his grave. After singing Happy Birthday, we blew out his candle and cut and ate the cake. Though it was December, it wasn't too cold, but soon, Kris and I decided to buckle the kids in their seats and take a minute alone together. Then we comforted one another the way we do each time we visit him. Part of me just couldn't believe it had already been a year, it could have just been the day before when I was giving birth to him... another part felt like it had been ages since I had held him next to me. I missed him every day that year and I have missed him every day since.

Too busy eating cake to smile!

     

Aching for a Baby - My Miscarriage

     Time passed, but my desire for a baby to hold did not. I went from being literally terrified of having another baby - to being willing to have another baby - to wanting to become pregnant again more than anything. It took time for my heart and mind to go through these changes. Aching for a baby was a completely separate feeling from aching for my Johnny. I knew nothing would ever replace him or fill the space in my heart that belongs to him. Still the ache grew and to my great disappointment, I would miscarry in September 2012.
    Words can't explain the way I felt after my miscarriage. I wasn't even sure I was pregnant when I experienced this "missed miscarriage". I am thankful I didn't know. Accepting the loss would have been so much more difficult if I had known I was expecting. So many thoughts and emotions would go through my head following our second loss. Why wouldn't God give me a baby? Why wouldn't my body sustain life? Would I ever be able to have another child? How long should I wait before trying to become pregnant again? Was it a boy or a girl? I felt like I had been slapped in the face by the cruelty of the world. I was angry that there are so many women like me who want a baby so badly who are unable to have one while so many women who become pregnant don't want their babies and choose to abort them. It seemed so unfair. I was grieving all over again.
     This grief felt different but it took me again to grieving over my Johnny. And now I was mourning over a baby I never met, never felt, never knew was there. I had to process everything all over again and try to continue through life as normal at the same time. I didn't want to tell many people, at the same time keeping it to myself was near impossible. The ache for a baby became a stabbing, searing pain. I wrestled with trying to figure things out and control things when what I should have been doing was letting everything go.
     One day, my husband and I talked and I cried to him telling him how much I wanted a baby but that I wasn't sure I COULD. Peace flooded over me when he told me that if I had a desire for another baby, we would have one even if we had to adopt. I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting himself into, "Adoption is expensive. It takes so much time, paperwork, commitment, and energy". He looked at me and reassured me, "That's alright. We will find a way if that is what it takes, if that is God's will." Finally, I gave up trying to control everything. I gave up worrying over everything. I decided to fully intrust my womb to God and put everything completely in His hands.

Johnny's Song

      Soon after Trust Birth Conference, my grief became easier to talk about and my fear of becoming pregnant again began to leave me. I moved on to a different phase of grief. I don't know how to label it or explain it, all I know is that my heart was moving on, but moving on with him inside of it. I was opening up to the idea  that having another baby someday would not be the same as trying to replace him. I didn't feel ready immediately but I began to let go of my fears. I sat in my dining room one morning, with my guitar, and began to write him a song. It was my way of telling him everything I wanted him to know and sharing his story with others. It was one way I was able to let go while still holding on.

For Johnny

My little Johnny

You sleep with Jesus tonight

Though I know

You're safe and warm

It's been so hard

To be alright

I prayed with you

And I sang to you

I carried you

When you were gone

I carried through

When hope was lost

Please know that I 

Will always remember you

Johnny your daddy

He sleeps beside me tonight

And each time 

I cry for you

He's there to 

Hold me tight

He prayed with you 

And he talked to you

He carried you

When you were gone

He carried through 

When hope was lost

Please know that he

Will always remember you

And I know

That His Love

Is the only thing holding me

And I know 

That His grace

Is the only thing that I need

His faithfulness is all I see

Cause' He carried you

Into the light

He carries you

And you're alive 

Please know that He 

Will always be there for you 

Please know that we

Will always remember you

(All Rights Reserved; 2012)

Trust Birth Conference 2012

 

  Feeling renewed by all the Oxytocin being spread at Trust Birth Conference!

 
    Trusting in Birth is something many would think impossible for the mother who has tasted the bitterness of stillbirth. If Johnny had been my first and only child, this may have been true for me. But, I was blessed to have had two beautiful healthy babies born at home before his loss. The memory of what my first two births were like helped me to keep my faith in the miracle of birth. Had Johnny's birth story been different, the memory of my first two births may not have been enough. But, his birth was blessed and I was blessed to be able to give birth to him even in knowing that he would be born still. My trust would carry on. After his passing, I did not want to lose my trust in birth and I was afraid that I would. This trust for me comes because of my trust in God and my belief that our Creator designed women to be the vessels to bring new life into the world. To me, I felt as though losing my trust in birth would be like losing my trust in God. I wanted to do everything in my power to keep my trust strong.
    Attending Trust Birth Conference seemed perfect for me. I wanted to be surrounded by women who fully trust in birth. I wanted to know more about life's miracle. God opened the doors, and I went. It was an experience of a lifetime! I met so many incredible women from around the world. It was very humbling to be one of the youngest women at the conference and also to be one of the least experienced. These were women I could learn so much from and I was eager to soak in as much information as I could while I was there. Nashville, TN was so inviting and so exciting!

     During the week and a half that I was there I was able to talk about Johnny to women who cared to listen. I was able to see my sister and her family and to spend time with them. I was able to take classes from women like Carla Hartley and Dr. Sarah Buckley. It was incredible and I was able to genuinely smile everyday I was there. It felt like being loved from all around me. My husband and I talked every night and though I missed him and the kids, being apart from them made me appreciate them even more and made me talk about them to everyone. I was even able to meet up with an old friend from middle school and early high school while I was there and catch up with her. I even got my nose pierced while I was there!I made new friends at the conference and it felt like being refreshed everyday. There was an amazing artist there, Amanda Greavette, who had her original paintings displayed. I remember looking at the one pictured below and wanting to have such an emotional release as I looked at it. My eyes welled with tears because all of a sudden, there I was again, back in the hospital bed with my Johnny beside me. I was so tired and he was so still.

      When I would come home, I would make the decision to begin Doula school. I wanted nothing more than to help other mothers and to educate women about birth. I felt ready to begin my journey to being a birth doula and was so excited that I could honor my son as I helped families and babies in my area! Looking for a doula course took a while, but I finally settled on taking my courses through Childbirth International. I am so glad that I did!

For Mommy; For Johnny

     As I mentioned in my last post, soon after losing my Johnny, I began writing a list of goals and aspirations for both myself and for him as well. These were things I wanted to do for me and things I wanted to do in his honor. They ranged from the silliest little things, or the easiest things, to large goals that I have not yet fulfilled. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed WORTH DOING.

Here is a peek at a few of these goals:

For Mommy -

Attend Trust Birth Conference 2012 in Nashville, TN
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Get my nose pierced
Exercise and set physical goals
Focus on spending time with my children and becoming a better mother
Record my music

For Johnny -

Donate my breastmilk
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Learn and memorize 'It is Well with my Soul'
Frame and hang "It is Well' sheet music in our home
Frame and hang his photos in our home
Scrapbook his story
DO something to make a difference to other loss families!

     And so my journey of accomplishing these goals began.... The first of these would be attending Trust Birth Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. And what an incredibly perfect goal it turned out to be. My midwives had told me about this conference soon after Johnny's stillbirth, but I wasn't sure how our finances would look by April and I knew that our theater group would need me in April as this was performance time for the musical Annie. It slipped out of my mind, then for some reason, it came back in and made it to my list. I spoke with all of the mothers of the drama group and asked them their thoughts on my not being in town during the first weekend of performances. They all agreed that this was something special that I should do. I was able to get a ticket from another mother in my area who wasn't able to make it to the conference. I chose and signed up for the classes I wanted to take while I was there and began planning my week-long stay away from home. My sister and her family live in the Nashville area so I was also excited to be able to see them during my stay. Everything came together perfectly and I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I didn't know exactly what to expect and this would be the longest I had ever been away from Kristopher and the kids. He assured me that they would manage and that he was supportive of my going. Before I would go, we would visit Johnny's grave as a family. It was Easter Sunday.

4-9-2012
     Yesterday, my Johnny would have been 4 months old. It still feels like yesterday. It was also Easter yesterday and we spent it with our family. Kris and I took Evelyn and Ezra to the cemetery. What an incredibly powerful day to go visit our son's grave - the day when we remember how our God's Son defeated death and the grave! The knowledge that He will someday do the same for our son and his grave is a wonderful promise to have! It has been a very personal way to teach our children about God's Love. I leave for Nashville tomorrow and I am so excited to go to Trust Birth Conference and to see my sister and her family! I pray that each class I take this week speaks to me in such amazing ways and that I go home knowing so much more than I do now and feeling confident in what path it is that God wants me to take from here.

Beginning my Journey of Grief

     In the months following the death of my Johnny, my family and I went on a journey. The journey called Life After Loss. If you have ever lost a loved one, you can more than likely relate to this. My journey was, of course, unique to my husband's journey, and the journeys of those around us. For me, I can honestly say, I am still journeying. When I look at all that I have gone through, all I have learned in the past year and a half, I can only thank my God for His faithfulness. I have literally been changed by my son's life and loss.
    In the first months my emotions were hard for even me to understand. I tried to get back to living, taking care of my children and starting back to directing theater and all the other things I do. Anything normal seemed therapeutic in a sense, but it didn't take away any of the pain. Instead, after my day of normal work and routine was through and the house got quiet, I would cry and cry some more. Most nights, I cried myself to sleep and my husband would hold me, pray with me, or cry with me.
     I hated my belly. Having an un-toned  tummy was just a reminder that I had no baby to show for it. I felt as though I was being judged and watched by everyone around me. Like people would see my leftover baby weight and wonder where my baby was or why it was still there when my youngest was already 2.
     I wanted to talk about him all of the time, but was scared of what others might think. How would people react when I talked about my dead son? I didn't want pity or "I'm sorry's"  just acknowledgement that he existed. I didn't even know why I wanted this from everyone.
     I wanted to do things for him and for myself. I began writing a list of goals - the things I wanted to do for him and things I wanted to do just for me, then I began doing them. It felt good to begin setting and fulfilling goals even if they were little things.
     I was terrified of getting pregnant again. My husband and I had always held tight to the view that children are a blessing. Since we had first been married, we decided to give God control over my womb. But for the first time, I did not want to give God that control.  For the first time I felt like I was justified in this. For the first time the idea of  preventing children appealed to me.
     My husband was so patient with me. He tried to encourage me but waited for me to get through whatever this was as well. He held tight still to the truth that every child is a gift and that it was wrong for us to want to prevent a gift, but he didn't push me and respected me. I know he was afraid of losing another child or even facing a pregnancy or birth again after Johnny's, but his belief that God is the giver of life and that life is a gift outweighed his fears even in the beginning of his grieving.
     I didn't want just a baby, I only wanted MY JOHNNY, MY BABY. There were days when everything inside of me screamed and ached for him alone. I couldn't imagine having another baby, wouldn't that be like trying to replace him? How would he know that I will always remember him if I had another baby so soon? How would I know that I would always remember him?
     I didn't know HOW to grieve. I spoke with a few women that I knew personally that had suffered a stillbirth or lost a baby as an infant. Their words were comforting. Knowing that these women had been where I was made me feel less crazy. I looked into the 5 steps of grief. These only confused me more. Some days I would feel like I had moved into the next stage of grief, only to feel that I had slipped back a step or two the following day! I  felt as though since I couldn't follow these 5 steps of grief, that I was doing it all wrong. My husband, Kris, reminded me that everyone grieves differently and that he felt the same way sometimes. I left these steps behind. It was so much less confusing. I decided to grieve in my own way, one day at a time.