Pregnancy After Loss - The Bumps Begin

      I was about 13 weeks along with my new little gift of hope in March of 2013. The pregnancy was real and I could tell you that "No one ever wanted a baby so much." but this wouldn't be true would it? I am not alone in my pain and I am not alone in my desire for a baby. It was a Friday, the day Stage LeFters homeschool drama group rehearses. I was gathering up the children and all of our things so we could be at the theater on time in order for me to Direct. I remember being short-tempered, stressed, moody, and overwhelmed that morning without being able to control it. We made it to the parking lot and at the exact same moment that I stepped foot onto the pavement, I felt a gush of blood. My mother took our older children so they could stay at theater and a mother from our drama group drove me home as I called my husband. The bleeding continued as I sat in the passenger's seat and as I walked into my house. I barely made it to our bathroom since I was overwhelmed in tears. My husband heard me come through the door and met me in the bathroom. By then there was so much blood my leggings and skirt were soaked through. My husband held me and cried with me as we feared the worst. We prayed and he helped me get cleaned up and calmed down, then tucked me into our bed where I called my Midwife. We thought for certain that I would miscarry when the cramps began. I remember worrying over what everyone would say or think or how I would bring myself to announce our loss. We had announced our pregnancy and this time I would HAVE to tell everyone. Would we be burying yet another little one?  I cried out to God telling Him that I couldn't possibly bear another loss. My friend came over when she heard the news. She prayed with me and cried with me and I must admit, I didn't give her much reason to hope. Yet, she still encouraged me with scripture and reminded me of the power of our God and His amazing grace. I am truly blessed to have such a friend. Later, friends of ours (the mother who brought me home and her husband) came over to pray with us. We prayed for a miracle, we prayed for safety and for healing. We prayed that fear would have no place in my heart. As we prayed, fear began to leave my body and it felt like overwhelming surrender to God's will. I felt peace even through the hardship.
 
     In the following days, I continued to bleed and to rest. Bedrest is not an easy task with other children to care for. My mother helped, my husband's mother helped, and my husband, Kris, did many household chores he hadn't ever done on a regular basis before. He stepped up and tackled both his normal responsibilities and my normal responsibilities while I was down. He was truly a Superman! Things would look up and then go back down again when I began bleeding more just one week after the bleeding had stopped. I found myself on bedrest again. My hope hung on a thread. I fought my fears continually but felt hope begin to thrive and my health to improve with prayer, good diet, and all the things we could do to help our little miracle. Pregnancy went on and bedrest ceased for a time. I refused to eat unhealthy, I refused to pick up anything heavy or to do anything strenuous, I refused to allow stress to overwhelm me. I bonded with our baby. I would sit in the bath and talk to my baby about anything and everything. I would cry to our baby when I missed their brother. I would pray over my baby. As our baby grew, we felt kicks and would even poke at him or her to wake baby sometimes so we could feel his/her movements. We looked forward to learning our baby's sex and searched for the perfect names. I worried less every day and thanked God for our little one every night. I had regular prenatals with my Midwife. She offered physical support as well as emotional support as she knows first-hand that pregnancy after loss can be very difficult. My hopes for a healthy baby grew stronger in the following months. We planned a homebirth and looked forward to a water birth in our home. This was my first pregnancy where I felt completely thrilled about my weight gain and my stomach growing. I never felt an aversion towards my symptoms of pregnancy, instead I fully embraced them. I LOVED my baby bump, I loved everything about each moment and made up my mind to cherish all of the small things. I knew too well the value of this time.

     Still, in the back of my head, I dreaded the 36 wk. mark. I did not know how I would handle pregnancy at the stage when we lost our Johnny. I did not want to allow fear to win the struggle between fear and hope that I felt inside of me. I wanted the rest of my pregnancy to be positive, I wanted to fully trust in God, and I wanted nothing to interfere with this dream, not even my own dreams.

June 11, 2013 (26 weeks)

A Visitor From Heaven

      I thought I'd take a break from my story of pregnancy after loss to write about the things that are happening now, this is why the past couple of posts have not been what I expected they would be and why this one is not either.  I promise to return to my pregnancy story soon.  This past Sunday was my Johnny's 2nd Birthday. His birth feels to me like yesterday yet so long ago at the same time. My family and I planned to spend a quiet day together remembering our John Israel. In the morning, after eating breakfast, the kids and I baked a cake. I cried off and on throughout the day but was able to be joyful even in the midst of my grief. We baked and decorated his cake then we all went to the cemetery where we sang "Happy Birthday" blew out his candles and released 2 balloons with messages written to him. It was too cold to ask the kids to eat cake outside so we drove back home and ate lunch and his cake together. Evelyn and Ezra both said something to Johnny before we cut the cake. Our son Ezra - "I love you baby Johnny." Our daughter Evelyn - "I miss you baby John." It was precious. I had been praying about a way to honor my son at this time of year that he would be turning 2 and it seemed that on his Birthday, God would open a door that I did not expect to arrive so soon....

 

     I was contacted by multiple women concerning a mother who had learned of her baby's passing. She was almost 40 weeks gestation and she and her husband would soon face her child's stillbirth. I was introduced to her and spoke with her on the phone. Then, through the amazing works of God, I was asked to attend their stillbirth. Her story is not mine to share. It was not coincidence that this all happened on Johhny's Birthday and that I would be asked to support her in her stillbirth 2 days later. I have never felt someone's pain the way I have felt hers. I felt privileged and honored to be a part of her birth but nervous that I could not help her enough, nervous that I would not be ready for all of this. I  pray God used me and continues to do so. Her precious baby girl and my Johnny are being held in our Maker's arms, perfect, whole, wanting for nothing, teaching us all the meaning of "Hope"as they joyously wait to see their families again someday....

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
And now it's time to say
We trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And we're so glad you're there
We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

By: Twila Paris

Natalie grant held

The Heart Suffers Still - Almost 2 Years Since Johnny's Stillbirth

       As we head to the beginning of December again this year, it only gets harder.... 2 years doesn't seem all that long ago to me. 2 years ago I was 35 weeks pregnant, craving peanut butter and honey sandwiches, enjoying baby movements, drinking a ton of water, and chewing ice. 2 years ago we were planning for our baby's home birth, washing and folding all of our gender neutral baby clothes, setting up the bassinet in our bedroom, and still trying to choose a girl name, just in case! 2 years ago we didn't realize what trials the next week would bring or that we would have to say goodbye to our baby so soon. We were blissfully baby bonding, blissfully awaiting the arrival of our little one, anxious to learn our baby's sex, excited to give our baby a name and to meet him or her for the very first time. 

Our Family - November 26, 2011 - 34 weeks

      It's so difficult to grieve still when the world around you seems to forget. During the first year after our Johnny's stillbirth, our family and friends seemed to remember and recognize our loss. Now, 2 years from his death, people seem to be forgetting. I am learning to find peace with this. It seems selfish to ask to world to stop and recognize the existence of a soul they never even met. Yet still, I can't help but want those who know us and knew us when we lost our Johnny, to stop and take a minute to show us they remember and show us they are praying for us. 

     This year, just like last, we plan to spend his stillbirthday (December 8th) baking him a cake, dressing warm, and visiting the cemetery for a mini birthday party. Like last year, I will write him a letter and the kids want to make him a card. All I want is to spend the whole day remembering him, taking the time to grieve his loss, and thanking God for his existence. All I want is for people to respect that this is something we plan to do each year and that his stillbirthday is still and will always be important to us. The world around us may forget, the world around us may completely move on. We never will. 

A New Journey

     It was almost strange to me in the beginning - being the one who was pregnant. I had been practicing as a student doula and supporting more and more women in their pregnancies and births, but now it was my turn. It seemed too good to be true at first. At around my 8th week of pregnancy, all the new excitements had taken over me and had me smiling from ear to ear. Though fear may have been somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt so positive! In journal entries, I wrote on and on about my weight gain, my cravings, my absolute NEED for more food, and baby names. I was hungry almost every minute of the day it seemed and if I went a while without food, I felt that nausea and lightheaded feeling that pregnancy tends to bring.
     I wasn't the only one with this excitement. Our entire family seemed overcome with joy at the thought of a new baby and this excitement didn't ever wear off. I prayed daily for the strength to hope continually and the strength to conquer my fears. I prayed for our baby's well-being and protection. I began planning for my pregnancy and for our baby. I had chosen my Midwife and scheduled my first prenatal with her. I wanted a home birth again so badly. This time, I began looking at buying a birth tub for what I hoped would be my first water birth. We already knew we wanted to keep our baby's sex a surprise as we had with our first two children. This made name picking extra fun. We had a boy name chosen and set aside but we began looking at girl names. My husband really believed our little one was a girl since this is what our son, Ezra had announced to us before we knew we were pregnant. "Ellie" seemed to feel right to both of us in the beginning. So we set it aside and began playing with middle name ideas.
       But fear would make its way to the front of my mind as often as it could. I'm sure hormones and emotions didn't help me very much, but there seemed to be such a huge spiritual battle inside of me. I had thought it wouldn't begin to get hard until my 13th and 16th weeks since these were the weeks when I bled during my pregnancy with our stillborn son, Johnny. I was wrong. It didn't matter when it was, worry and doubt just attacked whenever they were able to. My husband was always so helpful during these times. He would rub me with essential oils and pray with me. Prayer always brought me peace. I remember one day when he was not home so vividly. I wasn't feeling well that day. I was fighting off normal pregnancy sickness. I felt tired and weak that entire day and was dealing with a terrible head ache. My emotions were everywhere and I was having a hard time controlling them. Worry overcame me. I went upstairs in my bedroom, away from the kids, prayed aloud, and said the words, "Nothing is wrong. Everything is okay." repeatedly until I began to believe them. Soon after was when I first made the decision and the commitment to trust in my God... NO MATTER WHAT... even if everything was NOT okay.
    

A New Pregnancy, a New Hope

January 28, 2013 -
      Last night, our Ezra decided to randomly announce that his mommy was going to have a baby and that it was a baby girl. It caught us by surprise that's for sure! I knew I was a little late but we hadn't even considered it yet. My in-laws looked at us expecting we were keeping something from them. But, we were every bit as surprised by his words as they were. On the way home from my in-laws house, we stopped at the store and bought a pregnancy test, hoping our little man was right. Who knew, maybe God revealed something to him that He hadn't yet revealed to us? This morning we discovered that he had and our Ezra was right about at least one part of his statement! I am pregnant! Becoming pregnant has always been exciting for me. It was so special when we found out we were expecting Evelyn - we would become parents for the first time! It was wonderful when the pregnancy test confirmed what I already knew in my heart with Ezra. It was exciting when I took the pregnancy test that confirmed my pregnancy with our Johnny. But, nothing can quite describe just how I felt this time. I felt rushed with joy and relief. I have never cried with so much happiness and thanksgiving! I was afraid to take the test this morning. Maybe I wasn't pregnant or maybe my hormones were not high enough to get a positive result, maybe I would only miscarry again.

  Ezra- our little prophet!

     The desire for another baby has grown so strong this past year. Losing baby Johnny left me with an overwhelming desire to mother a baby again. I think most mothers who have lost a child, miscarried, or faced infertility can understand the ache. When I miscarried in September, I thought I might miscarry again or worse, maybe I would never have a baby again. It has taken me months to truly let go and let God. I am just learning what it is to fully trust in Him. He is the giver of life. He opens and shuts the womb. How ridiculous it is for humans to believe even for a moment that we can control what only God can. He knows our needs. He knows my desire for this baby. This little one will never replace our Johnny or the baby we lost so early in my pregnancy. It will never take away the pain of a grieving mother or prevent me from wanting our Johnny again. This baby will not erase my miscarriage or the past year. But, I believe this baby is a miracle and will help my heart to heal. I will be grateful for every day with this little life and will not take it for granted.
     As much as I am excited and happy, I am nervous, I am scared. I just couldn't bear another loss. I am praying to my God that He will protect our baby and watch over this pregnancy. All I know is, I want this child so much. I want a healthy baby, boy or girl. I want a safe pregnancy and positive birth experience. Words just can't describe the desire within me and the hope that I am finding through this new life!
 

The family of snowmen Ezra and his daddy made this year.

 Look closely, the mama snowman has a pregnant belly!

 

"I Want You Here" by Plumb

     This is such a beautiful song! I cry each time I hear it and sobbed the first time I did. Plumb managed to identify with my aching heart so perfectly. There is nothing quite as painful as losing  a child and sometimes it's okay to ask "Why?".

1 Year Since I Held Him

Blowing out his candle - December 8, 2012

     December came back around. It seemed like such a long year. It was all I could do to just get through it. I am thankful for my family and my friends who helped me to hang on to my joy even through the darkest days. Most of all I am thankful for Christ's comforting Love. I didn't want Johnny's Birthday to be a day when we all wore black and cried the whole day through, though I knew there would be tears. I wanted to make his Birthday something special for our family, just like it would be if he were still here with us. So his big brother and big sister helped me make him a Birthday cake and we took it to the cemetery as a family. We even sang Happy Birthday! And as always, we prayed together by where his body lays. Evelyn and Ezra each brought him little Birthday gifts to lay at his grave. After singing Happy Birthday, we blew out his candle and cut and ate the cake. Though it was December, it wasn't too cold, but soon, Kris and I decided to buckle the kids in their seats and take a minute alone together. Then we comforted one another the way we do each time we visit him. Part of me just couldn't believe it had already been a year, it could have just been the day before when I was giving birth to him... another part felt like it had been ages since I had held him next to me. I missed him every day that year and I have missed him every day since.

Too busy eating cake to smile!

     

Aching for a Baby - My Miscarriage

     Time passed, but my desire for a baby to hold did not. I went from being literally terrified of having another baby - to being willing to have another baby - to wanting to become pregnant again more than anything. It took time for my heart and mind to go through these changes. Aching for a baby was a completely separate feeling from aching for my Johnny. I knew nothing would ever replace him or fill the space in my heart that belongs to him. Still the ache grew and to my great disappointment, I would miscarry in September 2012.
    Words can't explain the way I felt after my miscarriage. I wasn't even sure I was pregnant when I experienced this "missed miscarriage". I am thankful I didn't know. Accepting the loss would have been so much more difficult if I had known I was expecting. So many thoughts and emotions would go through my head following our second loss. Why wouldn't God give me a baby? Why wouldn't my body sustain life? Would I ever be able to have another child? How long should I wait before trying to become pregnant again? Was it a boy or a girl? I felt like I had been slapped in the face by the cruelty of the world. I was angry that there are so many women like me who want a baby so badly who are unable to have one while so many women who become pregnant don't want their babies and choose to abort them. It seemed so unfair. I was grieving all over again.
     This grief felt different but it took me again to grieving over my Johnny. And now I was mourning over a baby I never met, never felt, never knew was there. I had to process everything all over again and try to continue through life as normal at the same time. I didn't want to tell many people, at the same time keeping it to myself was near impossible. The ache for a baby became a stabbing, searing pain. I wrestled with trying to figure things out and control things when what I should have been doing was letting everything go.
     One day, my husband and I talked and I cried to him telling him how much I wanted a baby but that I wasn't sure I COULD. Peace flooded over me when he told me that if I had a desire for another baby, we would have one even if we had to adopt. I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting himself into, "Adoption is expensive. It takes so much time, paperwork, commitment, and energy". He looked at me and reassured me, "That's alright. We will find a way if that is what it takes, if that is God's will." Finally, I gave up trying to control everything. I gave up worrying over everything. I decided to fully intrust my womb to God and put everything completely in His hands.

Johnny's Song

      Soon after Trust Birth Conference, my grief became easier to talk about and my fear of becoming pregnant again began to leave me. I moved on to a different phase of grief. I don't know how to label it or explain it, all I know is that my heart was moving on, but moving on with him inside of it. I was opening up to the idea  that having another baby someday would not be the same as trying to replace him. I didn't feel ready immediately but I began to let go of my fears. I sat in my dining room one morning, with my guitar, and began to write him a song. It was my way of telling him everything I wanted him to know and sharing his story with others. It was one way I was able to let go while still holding on.

For Johnny

My little Johnny

You sleep with Jesus tonight

Though I know

You're safe and warm

It's been so hard

To be alright

I prayed with you

And I sang to you

I carried you

When you were gone

I carried through

When hope was lost

Please know that I 

Will always remember you

Johnny your daddy

He sleeps beside me tonight

And each time 

I cry for you

He's there to 

Hold me tight

He prayed with you 

And he talked to you

He carried you

When you were gone

He carried through 

When hope was lost

Please know that he

Will always remember you

And I know

That His Love

Is the only thing holding me

And I know 

That His grace

Is the only thing that I need

His faithfulness is all I see

Cause' He carried you

Into the light

He carries you

And you're alive 

Please know that He 

Will always be there for you 

Please know that we

Will always remember you

(All Rights Reserved; 2012)

Trust Birth Conference 2012

 

  Feeling renewed by all the Oxytocin being spread at Trust Birth Conference!

 
    Trusting in Birth is something many would think impossible for the mother who has tasted the bitterness of stillbirth. If Johnny had been my first and only child, this may have been true for me. But, I was blessed to have had two beautiful healthy babies born at home before his loss. The memory of what my first two births were like helped me to keep my faith in the miracle of birth. Had Johnny's birth story been different, the memory of my first two births may not have been enough. But, his birth was blessed and I was blessed to be able to give birth to him even in knowing that he would be born still. My trust would carry on. After his passing, I did not want to lose my trust in birth and I was afraid that I would. This trust for me comes because of my trust in God and my belief that our Creator designed women to be the vessels to bring new life into the world. To me, I felt as though losing my trust in birth would be like losing my trust in God. I wanted to do everything in my power to keep my trust strong.
    Attending Trust Birth Conference seemed perfect for me. I wanted to be surrounded by women who fully trust in birth. I wanted to know more about life's miracle. God opened the doors, and I went. It was an experience of a lifetime! I met so many incredible women from around the world. It was very humbling to be one of the youngest women at the conference and also to be one of the least experienced. These were women I could learn so much from and I was eager to soak in as much information as I could while I was there. Nashville, TN was so inviting and so exciting!

     During the week and a half that I was there I was able to talk about Johnny to women who cared to listen. I was able to see my sister and her family and to spend time with them. I was able to take classes from women like Carla Hartley and Dr. Sarah Buckley. It was incredible and I was able to genuinely smile everyday I was there. It felt like being loved from all around me. My husband and I talked every night and though I missed him and the kids, being apart from them made me appreciate them even more and made me talk about them to everyone. I was even able to meet up with an old friend from middle school and early high school while I was there and catch up with her. I even got my nose pierced while I was there!I made new friends at the conference and it felt like being refreshed everyday. There was an amazing artist there, Amanda Greavette, who had her original paintings displayed. I remember looking at the one pictured below and wanting to have such an emotional release as I looked at it. My eyes welled with tears because all of a sudden, there I was again, back in the hospital bed with my Johnny beside me. I was so tired and he was so still.

      When I would come home, I would make the decision to begin Doula school. I wanted nothing more than to help other mothers and to educate women about birth. I felt ready to begin my journey to being a birth doula and was so excited that I could honor my son as I helped families and babies in my area! Looking for a doula course took a while, but I finally settled on taking my courses through Childbirth International. I am so glad that I did!

For Mommy; For Johnny

     As I mentioned in my last post, soon after losing my Johnny, I began writing a list of goals and aspirations for both myself and for him as well. These were things I wanted to do for me and things I wanted to do in his honor. They ranged from the silliest little things, or the easiest things, to large goals that I have not yet fulfilled. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed WORTH DOING.

Here is a peek at a few of these goals:

For Mommy -

Attend Trust Birth Conference 2012 in Nashville, TN
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Get my nose pierced
Exercise and set physical goals
Focus on spending time with my children and becoming a better mother
Record my music

For Johnny -

Donate my breastmilk
Begin Doula and/or Midwifery school
Learn and memorize 'It is Well with my Soul'
Frame and hang "It is Well' sheet music in our home
Frame and hang his photos in our home
Scrapbook his story
DO something to make a difference to other loss families!

     And so my journey of accomplishing these goals began.... The first of these would be attending Trust Birth Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. And what an incredibly perfect goal it turned out to be. My midwives had told me about this conference soon after Johnny's stillbirth, but I wasn't sure how our finances would look by April and I knew that our theater group would need me in April as this was performance time for the musical Annie. It slipped out of my mind, then for some reason, it came back in and made it to my list. I spoke with all of the mothers of the drama group and asked them their thoughts on my not being in town during the first weekend of performances. They all agreed that this was something special that I should do. I was able to get a ticket from another mother in my area who wasn't able to make it to the conference. I chose and signed up for the classes I wanted to take while I was there and began planning my week-long stay away from home. My sister and her family live in the Nashville area so I was also excited to be able to see them during my stay. Everything came together perfectly and I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I didn't know exactly what to expect and this would be the longest I had ever been away from Kristopher and the kids. He assured me that they would manage and that he was supportive of my going. Before I would go, we would visit Johnny's grave as a family. It was Easter Sunday.

4-9-2012
     Yesterday, my Johnny would have been 4 months old. It still feels like yesterday. It was also Easter yesterday and we spent it with our family. Kris and I took Evelyn and Ezra to the cemetery. What an incredibly powerful day to go visit our son's grave - the day when we remember how our God's Son defeated death and the grave! The knowledge that He will someday do the same for our son and his grave is a wonderful promise to have! It has been a very personal way to teach our children about God's Love. I leave for Nashville tomorrow and I am so excited to go to Trust Birth Conference and to see my sister and her family! I pray that each class I take this week speaks to me in such amazing ways and that I go home knowing so much more than I do now and feeling confident in what path it is that God wants me to take from here.

Beginning my Journey of Grief

     In the months following the death of my Johnny, my family and I went on a journey. The journey called Life After Loss. If you have ever lost a loved one, you can more than likely relate to this. My journey was, of course, unique to my husband's journey, and the journeys of those around us. For me, I can honestly say, I am still journeying. When I look at all that I have gone through, all I have learned in the past year and a half, I can only thank my God for His faithfulness. I have literally been changed by my son's life and loss.
    In the first months my emotions were hard for even me to understand. I tried to get back to living, taking care of my children and starting back to directing theater and all the other things I do. Anything normal seemed therapeutic in a sense, but it didn't take away any of the pain. Instead, after my day of normal work and routine was through and the house got quiet, I would cry and cry some more. Most nights, I cried myself to sleep and my husband would hold me, pray with me, or cry with me.
     I hated my belly. Having an un-toned  tummy was just a reminder that I had no baby to show for it. I felt as though I was being judged and watched by everyone around me. Like people would see my leftover baby weight and wonder where my baby was or why it was still there when my youngest was already 2.
     I wanted to talk about him all of the time, but was scared of what others might think. How would people react when I talked about my dead son? I didn't want pity or "I'm sorry's"  just acknowledgement that he existed. I didn't even know why I wanted this from everyone.
     I wanted to do things for him and for myself. I began writing a list of goals - the things I wanted to do for him and things I wanted to do just for me, then I began doing them. It felt good to begin setting and fulfilling goals even if they were little things.
     I was terrified of getting pregnant again. My husband and I had always held tight to the view that children are a blessing. Since we had first been married, we decided to give God control over my womb. But for the first time, I did not want to give God that control.  For the first time I felt like I was justified in this. For the first time the idea of  preventing children appealed to me.
     My husband was so patient with me. He tried to encourage me but waited for me to get through whatever this was as well. He held tight still to the truth that every child is a gift and that it was wrong for us to want to prevent a gift, but he didn't push me and respected me. I know he was afraid of losing another child or even facing a pregnancy or birth again after Johnny's, but his belief that God is the giver of life and that life is a gift outweighed his fears even in the beginning of his grieving.
     I didn't want just a baby, I only wanted MY JOHNNY, MY BABY. There were days when everything inside of me screamed and ached for him alone. I couldn't imagine having another baby, wouldn't that be like trying to replace him? How would he know that I will always remember him if I had another baby so soon? How would I know that I would always remember him?
     I didn't know HOW to grieve. I spoke with a few women that I knew personally that had suffered a stillbirth or lost a baby as an infant. Their words were comforting. Knowing that these women had been where I was made me feel less crazy. I looked into the 5 steps of grief. These only confused me more. Some days I would feel like I had moved into the next stage of grief, only to feel that I had slipped back a step or two the following day! I  felt as though since I couldn't follow these 5 steps of grief, that I was doing it all wrong. My husband, Kris, reminded me that everyone grieves differently and that he felt the same way sometimes. I left these steps behind. It was so much less confusing. I decided to grieve in my own way, one day at a time.

A Few Jounral Entries

2 Corinthians 12:9 - My grace is sufficient for thee for my strength is made perfect in your weakness.

12/21/2011

God,
     It's almost been 2 weeks since I birthed our son Johnny. I know you have been our strength, our comforter, our helper. I can feel your love and grace surrounding us. Still, I hurt so much and I just don't understand. Please draw us closer to You. Please use our son's short life to Your glory. Please better me. Take care of him and tell him how much we love and miss him. Tell him we will never forget him.

12/31/2011

God,
      It amazes me how so much good can come from something so bad. Our son WAS CALLED according to your purpose. His life is drawing us to You. In his memory I have been able to donate my breastmilk to another baby and mother in need. Please continue to show us good things. Use me, help me to make Johnny proud. Help me make your Son proud.

1/1/2012

God,
     You give and you take away, Your will be done. I trust in You. You know better than I. Yet this void hurts to my core - the hollow feeling each time I think of him, the way my mind is in chaos, the feeling in the back of my throat each time I fight the urge to cry - they are all reminders that he is not here. I know he is with You, I thank you for that comfort and that gift. I miss the things I will never do with him. I never got to nurse him and never will. My arms will never hold him again. I will never tuck him in at night or make sure he stays warm. I will never journal his first words or hear his voice. I will never watch him grow, to learn to crawl or take his first steps. I will never watch him play in the bathtub or rub his feet at night. Give me strength to cherish the time I had with him and the grace to let go of the time I can't. Remind me each day that though he is gone for now, a day will come when I can be with him. Thank you for answering my call, for reassuring me that I will have the chance to raise him, that my baby is preserved for me with You.
     God, if I could talk with him now, I would  tell him that I love him, I would tell him that I'm sorry, I would tell him that I tried, I would tell him that I will always think of him and remember him, I would tell him that I will hold him again. Please tell him these things for me. When we are finally reunited, I know that he will know me and I, him. What a joyful day that will be. Maybe then I will finally understand. I need your grace, I need your love to help me through. Send angels to me still. I praise you for your presence during his birth. I know that you were with me. I know you're with me still.

     I want to talk about him freely without worrying about what others think. 

 

The Days that Followed

     Psalm 55:22 - Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

     How can I describe the days that followed the stillbirth of my son? There is so much I could tell you. In the first days it was all I could do to get out of bed and continue through life. My daughter, Evelyn, and my son, Ezra, were lifesavers during this time. They gave my husband and I something to live for and something to make life seem somewhat normal. I can't imagine going through something like this without already having little blessings. The kids seemed to understand a lot more than I expected. Each time I would cry they would ask if I missed "Baby John". They would comfort me. How humbling it was to be the mother and yet to have my children help take care of me. My husband had a hard time returning to work. His mind was on me and his family. He had difficulty focusing and concentrating while away from us and in his line of work, his brain is a much needed tool. I hated him being gone too. Finally, he asked for more time off and told the company that if they needed to replace him in order to meet deadlines, he would understand. Weeks later, he would be jobless.
     Families from the theater group I direct brought us dinners. It was one less thing to worry about and we ate like Kings and Queens in the days following. I pumped and donated my milk to a mother and baby in our area that were in need. It was comforting to me that there was a baby benefiting from my milk. I prayed continually, looked to the scriptures, and learned so much about my God in those dark days. My main prayers were for comfort, for strength, and that someday God would use this painful experience, that He would use me for something wonderful. I remember praying out loud so often after John's death "Use me, God. Please just use me." . I prayed for my husband. I did not know how else to support Kris at first. My fear was that I would become angry with God or that I would shut Him or my husband out. He made anger impossible. Each time I opened my Bible, He would lead me to exactly what I needed to read. My friend, Rebecca, gave me a Bible that she pre-highlighted for me. The Bible had highlighted passages about God's grace (John means God is Gracious) and the promise that God will preserve His people (Israel means God Preserves). She also highlighted areas that she thought would help bring me comfort, and they did. I was thirsty for God's grace and for His comfort. He never failed me. 
    I remember how much more personal and more real Christ's death became to me. I still cry when I think of God's Love for us - so much Love that He would sacrifice His only Son for us. His Son suffered in death, mine did not. My baby only knew bliss and comfort. He was in my womb, safe with his Mother for all of his short life on earth. He heard his Daddy's voice, and the voices of his siblings. He knew only love and knew no pain. My heart suddenly began thanking my God for his Son all over again. My selfishness could not understand how He was so willing to give His child up when all I wanted was my child back. Simple, God IS Love and I am human.

Romans 8:31-32 - What shall we say then to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 

 

    I began to think of Mary. What a wonderful example we have in her. Not just that she willingly carried our Savior and birthed him, not in the comfort of her home, not in a hospital or birthing center, but in a barn away from everything she knew. She was willing to face the judgements of everyone around her for her pregnancy, she understood that He belonged to God. She was willing to let him go and let him put himself in danger to minister on behalf of His Father. She knew the prophesies, that he would be killed, and yet she never tried to stop Him from His calling. She stayed by his side when they tortured him and beat him. She watched him breathe his last breath. And in her heart she knew He would live again. I decided that if I could learn to be one half of the Mother that Mary was, I would not have failed in Motherhood. I wanted to keep fighting to be there for the children I already had and to learn to accept in grace the loss of my son.
     I remember sitting on our love seat one day filled with grief and full of pain. I cried out to God and wondered if He truly cared about my sorrow when I knew that John was safe and that he was in Heaven, when I should be comforted just by these thoughts and the promise that we would be united with him again someday. I still felt heartache. I questioned "Why?" so often. Was this sin? Did God hear me, did He want to comfort me? I opened my Bible that afternoon while my Evelyn and my Ezra took naps and I began to read the story of Lazarus. And in the midst of such a miraculous and awesome story, one thing spoke to me more than anything. Just before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, he looked around to see all the Jews mourning over the loss of their friend and it says simply that "Jesus wept". I was so amazed by this. Why would he weep if he knew he would bring Lazarus back to life in the very next verse? Then I realized that perhaps he wept because he could feel their pain. He cared for each and everyone who loved Lazarus, he wanted to take the time to grieve with them and to comfort them. I closed my Bible and I cried again, this time because I knew that God cared. From then on, each time I have cried and felt sorrow, I have known that Christ has been there beside me crying as well. Not because he misses John too, but because he feels my heartbreak.
     My fear of grief coming between my husband and I was proven to be absurd. My husband and I looked to one another for comfort and strength often in the days following the loss of our Johnny. If we could get through his death, his birth, and his burial together, then why would we give up then? Together we aimed to place our trust in God and looked for Him to get us through the hardships that followed, even the loss of a job. We prayed that God would bless our family and get us through the storm. We prayed that God would bring good from all our trials. The road would still be a difficult one but we held on to hope and decided to continue to hold on to it for as long as it took our hearts to mend even a little.

Romans 8:24-25 - For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

 

    

It Is Well (With my Soul)

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

(Refrain) It is well (it is well),
with my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

(Refrain)

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

(Refrain)

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

(Refrain)
And Lord haste the day, when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

(Refrain) It is well (it is well),
with my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul.

   If you have not read or heard the story behind this hymn, it is one of the most profound and powerful stories I have ever heard. You can learn about it here -  http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/11/01/the-true-story-behind-the-hymn-it-is-well-with-my-soul/

Remembering Johnny's Funeral Service

 Psalm 22:10 - I was cast upon Thee from the womb: thou art my God from my Mother's belly.

Colossians 3:4 - When Christ who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 

     After coming home from the hospital, it was such a blessing to hug and love on the two children we already had! I rested that day on our couch, crying often, looking at the one picture of him I had on our camera (above), and wishing I could have my baby with me until the funeral. With every tear, my son, Ezra, would come comfort me, stroking my arm and asking if I needed a tissue. My husband, Kris, immediately began planning the funeral service. In order to leave the hospital, we had to tell them what funeral home we were working with and in addition to that pressure, we knew we did not want too much time to pass before we layed him to rest. I had out-of-state family that were coming to support us and wanted to be at the funeral. His services would be held just 2 days following his birth. It was so much for my husband to bear. His best friend, John, (yes he is who our son was named after) and my Grandfather helped him with phone calls and supported him through the process. Kris and I discussed what we wanted for the services, and it was the hardest, yet easiest thing we have ever had to plan. It was hard because the realization that he was truly gone and was not coming back was setting in. It was hard because we had never in our wildest nightmares imagined we would need to plan a funeral for one of our children. It was hard because we wanted our baby to be with us, healthy and whole. What came easy was that both my husband and I had the same hopes for his funeral. We hoped all those around us would see a miracle through his life and we hoped that no one, not us, not our family, not our friends, would become angry with God. We chose to bury him at Bellbrook Cemetery next to my Great-Grandfather and just above my Grandfather's reserved lot. The funeral home was such a blessing to work with. We chose Bible verses that we wanted read and I asked my parents to sing "It Is Well" during the service. It was such a fitting hymn (my favorite), not just because of the story behind the song but also because it was sung during his birth and brought me comfort as I gave birth to him. Kris and his friend John went out and Kris bought a new suit for himself and a dress and boots for me. We chose the things we wanted our baby to be buried with. To me that was the toughest thing we had to do.
     I woke up the morning of the funeral and hated the sight of his empty cradle beside our bed and the baskets of freshly washed baby clothes that I had prepared in my pregnant-nesting stages. On top of everything, my milk came in that morning and I had to begin pumping to relieve my full breasts. This was especially difficult to face as I wanted nothing more than to nurse my baby. So many of our family and friends came to the cemetery on that cold December day to be there for us. Kris' best friend met us at our home and drove out with us to make sure we got there safe. We arrived. My feet hit the as-fault and it sunk in what that Sunday was all about. Immediately my eyes welled with tears and I didn't think I had the strength to be there or to keep my feet and legs strong beneath me. But Kris was beside me and the faces of people who loved us enabled me to move forward. When we turned into the tent, the sight of his little white coffin was heartbreaking. I have never seen one so small. We sat together as a family during the service. The minister did such a wonderful job including everything we had asked him to. My parents made it through It is Well perfectly. At the closing, everyone waited in the cold to hug us before they left. many of them took Birth Announcements I had made that included that same wonderful picture that I cherished so much. I have never received so many hugs in one day! It was therapeutic. There was no doubt in our minds that we were loved and that people were praying for us. My grandparents drove in from Georgia to be there and picked up my sister from Tennessee along the way.just knowing so many people felt that is was so important to be there was comforting.
     When everyone was leaving, Kris and I stayed to watch his casket be lowered and covered. We prayed together and said our final "Goodbye"s. I thought what I would feel in those moments would be torture and anguish, but instead I felt peace overcome me just as it had overcome me during his birth. I know there were angels beside us that day and in all the days surrounding his loss.
     After the funeral, my sisters planned a luncheon at my sister, Cristy's, home. She had been there for me through the labor and decided that she wanted to do something special for us. My sister, Jennifer, helped her with preparations after she had gotten in town from TN and the two of them outdid themselves. Cristy rented tables and chairs, they cooked so much food, and decorated every table in baby blue. There were baby blue roses at every table and today if you were to walk into my sister's house, you would still see a bouquet of blue roses displayed in her foyer. I smile now every time I see them. We sat, surrounded by love, as we ate our lunch that afternoon. I even held a baby that day, not my own, but a little girl named "Laynie" who holds a special space in my heart. She was the first birth I assisted at. I was about 16 wks. pregnant with my Johnny when she was born at home. It was so wonderful to have a connection to a baby that day no matter how much my heart yearned for my Johnny.

     James 1:3-4 - The trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Johnny's Birth Story

 Romans 5:3-4 - We glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.

       Both of my first two birth experiences were special, each in their own unique ways and I will always cherish their memories. There is nothing I would change about either of my home birth experiences! (You can read about them in my previous post.) My third birth was an experience I will never forget... full of pain and sorrow, yet full of peace. Our third child, John Israel Collier, was born still. He was taken to Heaven before I ever held him in my arms. His life, though short, was a special life, one that glorified God to all those around us. I remember when the nightmare began. I was 36 weeks along and my water broke late on a Monday night. We were planning our third home birth, and were so excited through the pregnancy since it would be our first home birth in our new house. I was concerned since I believed it was too early, but I tried to be positive and went to bed that night thinking I would need my rest for the next day. No contractions started though, not even with the dawn of a new day. On Tuesday morning, I called my Midwife and consulted with her about all my concerns. She came that morning to check on the baby and I and to help in whatever way she could. We listened for his heartbeat but couldn't find one, so we waited while I ate breakfast, drank some apple juice, and walked around the house. Then we listened again. It was when I saw the look of complete concern overcome her face that I realized I couldn't clearly recall the last time our baby had moved. We prayed together, called my parents and called another Midwife in our area (the same one that had assisted at Ezra's birth), then listened again. Nothing. We then decided to go to the hospital for an ultrasound.
     I was so nervous, but already felt in my heart that it was too late. Still the words hurt so bad when the doctor verified our fears by telling us, “I'm sorry but the ultrasound shows that there is no heartbeat.” Kris and I cried together, we were confused and hurt. They wanted to admit me right then and induce my labor. But, I needed time. I chose to go home. I was terrified to give birth to him knowing that he was now dead. I didn't believe I could do it. But, I prayed that God would give me strength, that he would help me to do this, and that the birth could be the best experience it could be under such circumstances. After going home, we ate. I did all I knew to try to aid my body to start laboring naturally. Later, I went to my local Chiropractor for an adjustment, hoping it might help. When Kris and I came home from her office, I was so exhausted and decided to sleep. That night I had very mild cramps. I was so relieved. I thought this meant I would be in active labor by morning and could still birth our child naturally. But by morning, my contractions had stopped. I decided we should try going out and walking for a while. We took Evelyn and Ezra to my parents' house and so many people in my family were calling, telling us or my parents what they thought we should do and how we should do it. It was so stressful and overwhelming. It was too much. I had to decide how long I should give my body, how long to wait before deciding to go to the hospital to be induced. I wanted so badly to labor naturally, but thought I didn't have much time before risking infection. Did I still want to have him at home? Would that be to painful a memory? Should I try to go into labor naturally and have a hospital birth? It felt like so much pressure, especially when I was scared to death to birth our son and I was already mourning his loss. I was in a state of shock. We went to get some homeopathic medicines that we hoped could help induce my labor and went home. I feel like those couple of days were the longest days of my life. After praying together that whole day, my husband and I went to the Hospital at about 6:00 pm on Wednesday to be induced and birth our son. I can't tell you why I made this decision, only that I felt convinced this would be the best thing for me.

Psalm 56: 3-4 - What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee. In God I will praise His Word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me

Deuteronomy 31:8 -And the Lord, He it is that doth go before thee, He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed. 

 

"Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest."

Philippeans 4:13 - I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.

    My parents, Kris' parents, my Midwives and so many others came and stayed through the labor. My Midwives had switched their roles and came to be there and support me in whatever way they could, they came as my friends, and fulfilled the roles of doula and photographer. Everyone wanted to be there for us and the waiting room was full of people who cared for us. It was my first Hospital birth experience and I was scared. I knew they would stick me with needles and I had no idea who would be my nurses or who would be my doctor. I had no idea how different Pitocin induced contractions would be, since I had never experienced them. There were already many praying for us and even with all the fears, God gave us strength to get through. It was the most beautiful still birth I could have imagined, and unlike any other Hospital birth I have ever heard of or seen. Yes, I hated the needles. I hated them running all their tests and taking so much blood. I hated the IV, I hated the smell, I hated that I felt like a guest under their mercy and not the queen of the hour. But, I loved the birth ball, Kris loved the kneeling pad, I was grateful that the staff was very respectful of my wishes, I loved having the support I had in the room and from the waiting room, and I feel like I did need the Pitocin this time and I was where I needed to be to birth my son. All of our prayers were answered and I know that God sent angels to be there beside us. We used the birth cards I had made when I was pregnant with Evelyn and with Ezra. Hearing God's precious words  made me feel as though He was comforting me through. It wasn't until my mother, sister, and my Midwives began singing hymns that I felt the fear begin to leave my mind. They sang my favorite hymn, It is Well with My Soul, and I felt ready.

Psalm 46: 1-2a - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear. 

Psalm 18:6a - In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple.

    I was finally ready to meet our son, to hold him for the first and last time. I remember Kris telling me while I was laboring that our son was watching me give birth to him from Heaven. How amazing that thought was to me. I remembered that just like my first two births, this was something only I could do. I knew God had appointed this duty to me and He would not give me more than I could bear. I prayed out loud as I transitioned, telling God I was finally ready, and that I wanted to meet my baby. Almost immediately,  I felt the urge to push and our son began to leave my body. I told Kris he was coming and Kris took his ready position behind me with such strength and bravery, ready to catch our son. I was kneeling, leaning on the birth ball. I felt as though I was kneeling before God, as I was praying the entire time. My Dad was now in the room beside my Mom since I had asked for him to come in. He took Kris' old position, in front of me, holding one of my hands. I know my parents were praying. I was never alone and the room was filled with love and with God's spirit. All at once, Johnny left my body. Kris caught him and I eagerly turned to hold him. My heart broke as I wept over our son's body. But past his bruises he looked so peaceful, he looked so perfect. The doctor and nurses weren't even in the room for his delivery. It was a quiet birth in a hospital setting, something I had never imagined. It was perfect.

 Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted

   Kris and I cried together. I was helped into the bed and Kris placed Johnny in my arms again. He was so handsome and resembled our other babies in so many ways. Kris went to tell everyone in the waiting room that he had come and that I was okay. The bravery and support he showed through the labor and stillbirth of our son is indescribable. The doctor and nurses came to help me birth his placenta, get cleaned up, and check on me. I held my Johnny and we spent about 5 hours with him. He was born on  Dec. 8, 2011 at 2:06 am. He weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. and was 20 inches long. His cheeks were still chubby though he was much smaller than his sister and brother. His cheeks, nose and lips were perfect. He was fragile and so beautiful. Our daughter, Evelyn, now four, came to the hospital to meet him at around 6:00 am. She had cried as she asked me the night before if she could see the baby. We decided that we should not deprive her of meeting her baby brother when she had asked to. It would be months later when she would tell us that she remembers her baby brother and thank us for letting her meet him. Those 5 hours went too fast. I was tired. I  didn't want to let him go. The doctor had been asking us to let her know when we were ready. Though I wanted to hold him forever, I felt that we should not hold onto his body too long, believing his spirit was already preserved in Heaven. I sang a lullaby to him and prayed over him before I told Kris I was ready to say “Goodbye”. Kris sang to him and talked with him before he felt ready to part. Our family prayed a prayer of dedication and we called the doctor in to take him. It was the last time I would see my baby.

 "Just as sure as I'm sure there's a Heaven, this was meant to be. No road is too long as long as you belong to me." 

    The cause of our baby's passing is still not known for sure. We did not know his sex until the ultrasound, and it was then that we gave him his name – John Israel Collier, which means “God is gracious; God preserves”. The perfect name. We decided the day of the ultrasound that we did not want an autopsy done. Our faith and trust in God told us that God did what was best for our son and for us, even if we do not fully understand why. My comfort is found in my faith that we will see our son again and he will be perfect and whole. Someday I will hold my baby again and we will raise him in a perfect world.

Psalm 31:24 - Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. 

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in His Word do I hope. 

My Birth Stories Before Stillbirth

                                                             Evelyn Bryce - 2011

   Evelyn's Story - I was 18 years old when our first child was born. My husband, Kristopher, and I decided to have our baby at home after doing a lot of research.... I mean, a LOT of research. I was nervous and scared for the well-being of my baby and wanted to know as much as I could about my body and what I was about to go through. We believed that God designed my body to give birth and that I could do so naturally yet we both had this false picture of birth that I had to work hard to leave behind me. We also believed birth should not be treated like an emergency, unless it first becomes an emergency. A home birth was the perfect choice for us. Our daughter, Evelyn Bryce Collier, was born in our home at 11:34pm on Thursday, March 20, 2008 – the first day of Spring. She was surrounded by an atmosphere of faith and love from the very start.
    On Monday, March 17th , as I tried to go to bed, I felt like something was different. I was having a hard time getting to sleep because I was feeling what felt like cramps. By the next morning, I was laboring and my contractions were getting increasingly closer and harder. We called my Midwife and other birth attendants and they were at our home soon after that. Everyone was a little surprised that I was truly laboring since I was about 2 weeks early and this is slightly unusual for “first-timers”. (Just more evidence that every labor and birth experience is uniquely different.) My husband went to buy a few last minute things for the birth before my Midwife and birth attendants arrived. When he came home, he surprised me with a wonderful “Hang in there. You can do this. I love you.” note, a toy for the baby, and two bears: a pink bear and a blue bear. We had chosen to wait until our baby's birth to find out whether it was a girl or a boy. We were excited, it was time! I couldn't talk during my contractions, I was throwing up, and I was having contractions about 4 minutes apart. I was in active labor! I would be for 59 long hours.
    So much happened during those 3 days, I wish I could write every single detail. Though my labor was long, I would not change a thing about it. I learned so much during my labor and had such a memorable, life changing experience. The support I received from everyone around me was incredible. My husband barely left my side, and when he did, he only did so because I told him he would be of more use to me if he had some sleep. He may have been a little nervous, but he knew exactly what to say to me and was my rock through it all. Each one of my attendants gave me every minute they could and dedicated days to my labor. Their energy and time given meant so much to me. They continuously offered their support, encouragement, knowledge, and anything and everything else they possibly could. My Mom and Dad were also there. We lived in their home at this time so it was wonderful that they were so happy to open their hearts and home to the idea of a home birth. They offered help and support however they could and were so positive and encouraging the entire time.
    It was a whole new version of birth, or maybe an old-fashioned version with a bit of a modern twist! So different than the kind you see on TV or in movies, so different than the typical labor mothers in America so often experience. I was free to move around as I pleased, to get as comfortable as possible, to stand in the shower, to sit in the birth tub, to eat, and on one night, even manage to sleep between my contractions. I was free to let nature take its course instead of forcing it to happen in my (or my doctor's) time, and I never looked at the clock. I used relaxation “tools” I had prepared for myself through pregnancy. I remember realizing about halfway through the first day that I was trying to run from my contractions instead of working with them and surrendering myself to the labor process. Once I knew what I was doing, I knew how to fix it. “Relax. Don't run from this. Surrender. You can do this” I managed to calm myself through the knowledge that I had, but faith was they key through it all. Faith in myself, but ultimately faith that God was with me and had created me to do this so well!
    There were so many unique memories made during those 59 hours. I danced with my husband, played music and sang with him, hugged, kissed, prayed, went on a walk in our neighborhood... we  even colored Easter eggs around our kitchen table. Kris and one of my attendants both read scripture and uplifting quotes, poems, and song lyrics to me that I had written down on cards during pregnancy. (One of my relaxation “tools” I mentioned before.) I was tired, but never scared, I never gave up, and I never doubted that our baby would be born right there in the home where I grew up.
    My Midwife made sure I stayed hydrated and had some food in my belly the whole time, which kept me going. But, I was still tired and I felt almost “stuck” when we decided to call my Chiropractor. I also asked for my sister to join us at this time, feeling like the added moral support may help me feel stronger. After she arrived, my Chiropractor traveled from 2 hours away to attend my birth and after he arrived, he adjusted my neck. About 30 minutes later, my water broke. I labored a while longer before he adjusted my neck again, and about 30 minutes after that, my baby was finally born. I could honestly feel the difference immediately after I was adjusted, especially the first time.  I am so thankful that he came and brought with him a very  positive, helpful, and supportive attitude. Needless to say I am very supportive of Chiropractic care through pregnancy. It seemed that small adjustment aided my hormones so much!
    The most incredible part of it all was when our baby finally decided to make her grand entrance into the world. I stood, supported by my father and a birth attendant on each side of me,  sweating as my body pushed her out.(The extra support was nice since my body was very tired, but as I found out with my next labor, this is not usually needed, just a wall, a lover, or a chair to lean or put a hand on.)  First came her head, then finally her body, one shoulder at a time. My husband told me later how surprised he was when he saw that I was smiling with each contraction during the "hardest" stage of my labor. She was finally arriving and I was so ready! I looked at my dad, he was sweating as much as I was. (It was hot in the small bathroom) I remember thinking to myself that it looked like he was laboring right along with me. Kris was at my feet, watching, waiting to be the first one to touch our child. He talked to me, giving me extra strength. I remember how amazed his voice sounded when he told me he could see the baby's head, that I was almost there! Then it happened, she arrived! Kris delivered her into my arms. She was beautiful. All wet and new. I cannot describe how I felt in those first few moments, it seems almost a dream now. I was flooded by emotion. I cried tears of joy and was so overcome with love for our new baby, for my husband, and for our new little family. I felt so proud, like I had just completed a task that only I could have done, yet so humbled that this life I was holding was a miracle handmade by God Himself.  Then we announced together, “It' a girl!” My sister asked, “What is her name?” And I replied, “Evelyn”.
    After a few moments of skin-to-skin bliss, I was helped from the bathroom to our bedroom and sat in my own bed where Evelyn stayed in my arms, undisturbed, for hours. I held her close to me and the two of us, both rookies, learned the art of breastfeeding together. I was thankful to have some guidance from some of the experienced mothers there, it seemed nursing didn't come very easily me and I could definitely use some pointers. My Chiropractor checked on us before he left for his long drive back, so happy that he was able to be a part of her home birth. Then, it was time to cut the umbilical cord, which my Mom volunteered to do. I finally birthed her placenta and then Evelyn was weighed and measured and checked up on. She was a beautiful and healthy 9 lb, 21 ¼ in. baby. And to me, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I slept in my own comfortable bed that night, Evelyn beside me, undisturbed and able to bond with my new baby and my husband.
    The birth of our daughter was everything and more than I had hoped it would be. Everyone seemed to have faith in my ability to give birth, it gave me strength through even the most tiring hours of my labor. How blessed I felt, to be the one who would deliver our child into the world. Through such an amazing, trying, and empowering experience God answered the prayers I prayed often through pregnancy – that my labor and birth experience would help teach me patience and that through it, I would truly transform into a Mother. She was 9 lbs, my first baby, and I had no tearing or any other complications. She was so healthy and so alert from the start. I know now that if I had had her in the Hospital, they would have never let me labor naturally for so long. I would have been induced with Pitocin and since Pitocin induced contractions are harder than natural contractions, I may have requested an Epidural which could have slowed the labor again and also could have caused the baby's heart rate to slow. This string of events could have led to a Cesarean Section. But I was not in the hospital I was where I felt most in control, my home. It was a beautiful first birth experience and it wasn't but two weeks later when I started saying I was ready to do it all again. And I would, almost exactly 2 years later.

                                                                          Ezra William - 2011
                                         

    Ezra's Story - My second birth experience was similar in many ways to my first one, but very different in others. My husband, Kris, and and I knew with all our hearts and minds that we wanted another home birth. After the experience our daughter's home birth had been, we couldn't imagine anything else. I felt so much more relaxed and less anxious about this birth. After all, I had been through it before, I knew what to expect, and I felt like after conquering a 59 hour first labor... I could conquer anything. My husband and I chose to ask one of my attendants from our daughter's birth back as the Midwife for our second birth. She accepted. We knew we wanted a quieter birth this time and made that known to her. Don't get me wrong, I did not mind all the “traffic” during my first birth, just the opposite! I loved all the different sources of support! I needed them with her birth. Something just sounded nice about keeping it a bit quieter this time, to labor by myself longer, and to spend most of the labor alone with my husband. My hope was that this labor would be only ½ the length of the first one and this time, I was blessed with a short 6 hour labor.
    I was only 1 week past my due date,  but it felt like a month! I felt big and uncomfortable, excited, and ready to have our second baby. I woke up on Friday March 27,  2010, one week after our daughter, Evelyn's, second  Birthday, and I felt the same pre-labor “cramps” I had felt with the night before I went into labor with her. I felt like the best thing for me to do was to walk in order to naturally “induce” myself into labor. (I really wanted to have this baby, and soon!) So Kris, Evelyn, and I went to run some errands. I remember telling my parents we were going to go to the store to walk the baby out! My parents had a full schedule that day and a concert that night, so my mom told me not to have the baby before they got home. (We still lived in their home at this time.) Everyone laughed. Knowing how long my last labor was made this request so comical to all of us ! While we were at the store, my contractions became strong enough that I could no longer walk or talk through them and I was afraid people would start to stare as I started wanting to vocalize my way through them. We checked out and loaded up the car. In the car, Kris, timed my contractions and they were about 3 minutes apart. I was so excited when he told me he thought it was very likely I would give birth the same day that I went into labor! We got home (I love that our destination was home and not frantically rushing to the Hospital.) I got in some comfy clothes while Kris unloaded Evelyn and called my Midwife to let her know I was in labor but that I wanted to labor a while before we asked her and her assistant to come. He also called a friend of ours to see if she could help watch Evelyn during the labor and birth. After she came, we ended up sending her to the store before the labor picked up since we had forgotten a pink bear in case the baby was a girl. (The blue bear from Evelyn's birth was set aside for this one since we felt pretty confident he was a boy.) I started to panic at the thought of another girl since we did not have any girl names that we were even considering!
    I got through each contraction very similarly yet very differently than I had the first time. I felt like a laboring pro. My back ached (I forgot how much that hurt) so I hit one of my favorite spots from the first labor – the shower. Our friend got back and took over keeping Evelyn occupied for Kris. He and I both seemed more confident, more comfortable, and more at ease this time. I remember feeling at times during the labor like it was almost going too fast, “Just go with it! Hold on to this wild ride!” I would remind myself! I labored for a while before giving Kris the go-ahead to call my birth attendants. Evelyn played outside with her babysitter, then I heard the sounds of Veggie Tales coming from the downstairs as I labored upstairs with Kris right there with me, just the two of us in the privacy and comfort of the house I had lived in since I could remember. I heard my attendants come in the house. My Midwife came in so quietly to check on me, then graciously slipped away telling us they would be right downstairs whenever I needed or wanted them. The private and quiet atmosphere was wonderful, Kris and I both loved it. I wondered how Evelyn was doing. And at about the same moment that I wondered about her, she heard my vocalizing from downstairs and was curious, so our friend brought her upstairs and asked if Evelyn could see me for a little bit. I wanted nothing more! I was in my favorite spot again – the shower. Kris held Evelyn and brought her to the partially opened shower curtain. He talked to her, explaining why Mommy was making noises as more contractions came. She reached her little hand in, touching my belly and said “Okay Mommy.” and stroked it in a comforting manner. Then she went back downstairs to finish her show. Needless to say, after this experience, I am very supportive of other children being present for their sibling's births.
    All so fast, the labor picked up and I felt like the time was soon. I got out of the shower and asked Kris to get my nightgown and my birth attendants. (I had picked out one of my favorite nighties for the birth while I was pregnant since I decided I wanted to “dress up” for the occasion this time!) I labored  a while longer, feeling the urge to push. Our friend and Evelyn came to the top of the stairs since Evelyn wanted to see me again. I told them to stay before I hopped back in the shower  for only a few minutes.  And then it progressed to the grand finale! I stepped out, put a hand against the wall, and our baby crowned. Kris and I both reached down and touched his head together being the first ones to touch our son. “It's slimey!” I said with a little giggle! And then all at once, my water broke and out came his head, and then his body! Kris caught him from behind, since I was facing the wall. I turned, stepped over his cord, and Kris delivered our second child into my arms. “It's a boy!” he told me. Our Ezra. It was 9:20pm.
    After birthing his placenta, Kris cut his cord. I sat in our bed undisturbed, nursing, holding, and bonding with my baby. Kris tucked Evelyn in bed, then helped my birth attendants with clean up. I was in a haze where everything around me except for the precious life in my arms seemed to disappear. I don't remember all the little details, only how wonderful those first moments were. We weighed and measured him. He was healthy, big, and strong at 10 lbs. 21in. When my parents got home, the house was quiet, everyone was gone except for Kris, Evelyn, Ezra, and I. They couldn't believe it when Kris met them outside and greeted them with, “Well, you have a new grandson!” They quietly came to take a peak at him and say “Goodnight.” Kris tucked Ezra and I in, making sure we were both comfortable and then we all slept. It had been a truly eventful day!

                                                            Ezra & Evelyn - Winter 2012